finishing the dishes, i dry off my hands grabbing my wedding bands off the hook my husband screwed into the wall when i complained i didn’t have a place to put them when i did the dishes. he always cooked while i wrangled the kids to get ready for bed and then we’d switch, him helping them brush their teeth and me cleaning the kitchen. looking down at my hands i center my wedding bands and head the couch to throw on netflix hoping it will help lull me to sleep.

waking up rolling off the couch, i head to the coffee machine to begin my morning. the chaos of the day unfolds from the usual wake up routine of three kiddos getting them dressed, packed, and out the door ready for school. We’re sitting in the long drop off line waiting to get out of the car, while they sing loudly to “be a man” from mulan. my coffee barely holding me together this morning, they hop out of the car shuffling into to school my youngest turning around and waving goodbye. then it’s off to my own job for the day and then back again sitting in the pickup line waiting for the three smiling faces of my boys. buckling my kids in, i hand them each snacks that i packed this morning getting them ready to roll off to their after school sports.

sitting on the bleachers watching them practice i take some time to write out my grocery list for tomorrow. soon im loading them back up into the car to head home. we fall out of the car and bringing the mess with us into the house, ushering the boys upstairs to get showered and changed into pjs while i rush to make dinner. sitting around the table talking about our days and then chasing them up the stairs to brush their teeth. finally, we’re reading books and i’m watching their eyes flutter shut.

i wander back down to the kitchen to pickup the mess and wash the dishes. walking up to the sink i reach down to remove my wedding bands as normal, grief wrecks my insides as i remeber he’s no longer here. fuck cancer. instead i leave my wedding bands on and turn to the living room wrapping myself in a blanket still smokey with his scent. my mind spirals thinking of everything he will miss. letting myself break a little, i cry, knowing the boys can’t see me, i close my eyes hoping to see him in my dreams.