i have prepared for this. i’m ready. i wore my perfectly pressed, easy-to-move-in, navy blue pantsuit for this moment. i ate a good breakfast and only had one cup of coffee. i freshened up with a mint and have been sipping water just enough so that i don’t have to pee but my throat isn’t dry. i am ready.
i stand up from my chair in the university library and make my way to the fourth floor, the stairwell labled with signs that say “BE QUIET” “STUDY HALL” “PHONES MUST BE ON SLIENT” the higher you go in the library the quieter you have to be. reaching the fourth floor i take in a breath and walk into the expansive hallway stretching all the way to a normal looking door at the end. there is a small blue piece of paper to my right that has the words “dissertation defense presentations” haphazardly written on it with an arrow pointing down the hallway. you would think the signage would be more substantial considering how much of a formal affair defending one’s dissertation is.
staring down the door i continue walking closer, looking down at my watch 4 more minutes until my allotted time. behind that door lies a panel of doctors who will determine if i’m cut out to have those three little letters after my name. behind that door holds 6 hours of presentation, discussion, question and answer, verbal analysis of what i have put my blood sweat and tears into for the past 6 years. behind that normal looking door with a small “active presentations, do not interrupt” taped to it holds my entire future.
taking one last breath i reach out grabbing the handle and walk into the most important day of my career.
i’m drowning. i can’t take in a breath, water is filling my lungs. i feel trapped my body tense, shaking.
suddenly everything goes black.
minutes later or at least i think it’s minuets. my eyes open i see the face of a man. i blink, he looks like a paramedic. moving my eyes, i see my sister slumped in the corner of my parents’ kitchen mascara running down her face. turning my head i see the black and white floor tiles come into focus.
my ears start to open and sound comes rushing back, her sobs loud as they hit my eardrums. my body feels heavy, my head foggy, lungs burning in my chest, drool coating my jaw.
“and he’s back.” the paramedic says a supportive smile crossing his face. a confused look must pass over my face, as he holds a small container up to my eyes “narcan. does wonders in bringing people back from an overdose.”
overdose.
suddenly the sobs register and disappointment sweeps through me. not again. this time my sister witnessed it all. she must’ve called for help.
not. again. i need help. one day no one will come to my rescue and i’ll drown under the fake waves once and for all.
stay focused. head up. pointe your toes. find your line. drive your heels. again.
head up. pointe your toes. straighten your arms. drive your heels. again. practice makes perfect.
straighten your arms. hit your t. lever out. practice makes perfect. chin up. eyes up. be more graceful.
again and again, my coach always harping on the details. i know i’ll be glad when i get the gold, but right now i’m annoyed and sweating. my mind wandering as i finish my last rep of blocks down the vault runway. why do we have to wear these dam leos?! i can’t wait to shower and fall asleep when i get home. did i finish my group project? oh shit i forgot to review my study guide today, i’m gunna fail the exam tomorrow. and it’s spirit week, i wonder if i’ll run into my crush during second perio——
HIT YOUR T. LEVER OUT. STAY FOCUSED. CHIN UP. EYES UP. BE MORE GRACEFUL. FIND YOUR LINE.
snapped from my thoughts, my coach’s voice grates against my ears. two more hours then i’ll be home.
AGAIN.
finishing the dishes, i dry off my hands grabbing my wedding bands off the hook my husband screwed into the wall when i complained i didn’t have a place to put them when i did the dishes. he always cooked while i wrangled the kids to get ready for bed and then we’d switch, him helping them brush their teeth and me cleaning the kitchen. looking down at my hands i center my wedding bands and head the couch to throw on netflix hoping it will help lull me to sleep.
waking up rolling off the couch, i head to the coffee machine to begin my morning. the chaos of the day unfolds from the usual wake up routine of three kiddos getting them dressed, packed, and out the door ready for school. We’re sitting in the long drop off line waiting to get out of the car, while they sing loudly to “be a man” from mulan. my coffee barely holding me together this morning, they hop out of the car shuffling into to school my youngest turning around and waving goodbye. then it’s off to my own job for the day and then back again sitting in the pickup line waiting for the three smiling faces of my boys. buckling my kids in, i hand them each snacks that i packed this morning getting them ready to roll off to their after school sports.
sitting on the bleachers watching them practice i take some time to write out my grocery list for tomorrow. soon im loading them back up into the car to head home. we fall out of the car and bringing the mess with us into the house, ushering the boys upstairs to get showered and changed into pjs while i rush to make dinner. sitting around the table talking about our days and then chasing them up the stairs to brush their teeth. finally, we’re reading books and i’m watching their eyes flutter shut.
i wander back down to the kitchen to pickup the mess and wash the dishes. walking up to the sink i reach down to remove my wedding bands as normal, grief wrecks my insides as i remeber he’s no longer here. fuck cancer. instead i leave my wedding bands on and turn to the living room wrapping myself in a blanket still smokey with his scent. my mind spirals thinking of everything he will miss. letting myself break a little, i cry, knowing the boys can’t see me, i close my eyes hoping to see him in my dreams.
i’m not going down without a fight. the ties around my wrist are are so tight i can feel my pulse thrashing against the restraint. there’s a bag over my head keeping me from seeing where we’re going, but they didn’t gag me. i scream so loudly it feels like my vocal cords are shredding, hoping desperately for someone to hear me. they must not be worried that i’ll be heard, the thought momentarily stills me. with the fight i have left in me i struggle against my captors hoping to rip free of their grasp. still screaming, i hear the sound of a heavy door creaking and sweeping across the floor as it opens. quickly i’m shoved forward, falling to my knees i suck in a sharp breath stunned from the fall. behind me i hear the door shut swiftly, i pause trying to take in my surroundings. calming my heart and holding my breath i listen, straining to hear something anything to hint at where i am. nothing. i hear nothing. wherever i am feels as if time has stopped, no sounds, not even the shuffling of my own feet on the floor as i try to find anything that can help tell me where i am. it is deadly quiet almost as if the space itself is absorbing sound. i find what i assume is a wall, sliding down it so that i can sit, attempting to ease the anxiety from my body. breathing in and out i notice the smell of old books, a comforting scent, as i begin come to terms that i am completely utterly alone.
the house used to dance along with us, the story it told:
but now the house lies dormant, no song to be heard, a robotic repeative dance in its place:
i miss the hum of the house. i see you there. a roommate once more. stuck in this loop. somehow we have become lonely together, losing the dance along the way.
