I don’t know why.

I just couldn’t help myself.

“What do you mean, Rylee?”

I didn’t hurt anyone.

I mean- not this time.

“So, how are you doing?”

I really wish you would just…

Hush. I mean I’m trying to talk.

How am I doing?

Well I’m doing okay.

I’m hanging in there.

In there by my noose.

“And are you-“

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

“I’m trying to help you.”

I don’t need help.

I just need to talk.

And to talk without interruptions.

Interruptions from the voices, I mean.

“Go ahead, we’re listening.”

Everyone’s always afraid.

They always run in two seconds.

Or either shut me down, lock me up.

But then I saw him.

He wasn’t afraid.

He didn’t pity me.

He actually didn’t care about me.

Did I find that comforting? Yeah.

Sadly, yeah.

I don’t expect you to listen.

To what he said to me…

The toxic parts, cheating.

The dark parts- sex, etc.

Not calm no, violent.

You taught me something.

Violence was good with you.

That dominant girls were cool.

I guess that’s enough about that.

How about the three-some part?

No. Should probably fast forward.

……………….. ⏩ …………………..

You liked toxic, that’s for sure, haha.

Loved seeing me talk to other guys.

Liked it when I was sitting in your lap.

Because you felt like you had control.

Lowkey emo, your hair in your face.

“Avoiding cameras,” you smiled.

It sent chills down my spine.

God, I loved that high.

You’d be rough and hard.

Force me to do stuff.

And I liked it.

But you liked me mad.

That was the only time though.

I don’t talk about you much, no.

Because, yeah, it hurts when I do.

How I clung to you with everything.

Tore my nails from their beds…

How I was so mad at you, haha.

Mad at the one who didn’t care.

Never asked how I was-

And I liked that.

I did.

Was I surprised at you?

When that message came through?

“I’m sorry. I’ve changed.”

I didn’t reply, I couldn’t.

I thought about it.

My heart said yes.

My head said no.

A day later you texted again.

“I have a spare room in my house. Was wondering if you’d take the chance to escape. You know where you belong.”

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help myself. Almost two years ago, I clung to you until my nails were ripped out. I wanted you because you didn’t want me. You were the first that didn’t care. And I liked that.

And now- I’m sorry for a different reason. Because I promised myself something.

I would never. ever. be manipulated. again. So come my way, perfect smile and gorgeous lips. Come my way with your hair in your face, shady and quiet. Touch me again.

Because I swear to God, I’ll manipulate you until the day you die- don’t misread- it’ll be by my hands. I’ll make you swallow that perfect smile of yours. I’ll bust those gorgeous lips. I’ll shave your head, make you scream so you’re not quiet. Touch me, I dare you. I’ll break each one of your fingers, until you beg me…

Because I like that.

Once you told me; “It’s not a threat, babygirl.” You kissed me from my ear to my collarbone. Shivers went up my back and I closed my eyes. You whispered sweetly, biting my ear, “It’s a promise.”

You’re damn straight it is.