(TW: Transphobia.)

Having my favourite author retweet my post was a heart-stopping moment of pure excitement. This wasn’t some small indie writer, this was someone who wrote a series with unfathomable success.

I did a little happy dance; and I was more than excited.. just the notification had shown up. But as I clicked it and read the comment with the retweet, all joy left me. All of it.

“Transgender people act like this and expect us to think they’re normal”

My heart stopped... I mean I was publicly out I had my pronouns in my bio + a tweet a few years back where I announced myself. But this felt like a stab in the chest. In began to constrict and I couldn’t breath, my heart rate elevated and my breathing quickened and I felt myself spiralling out of control.

‘Calm, breathe in, 1.2.3.4.5, breathe out’ I tried to tell myself, the technique of trying to prevent an anxiety attack that I had been working on with my therapist for years now.

Trying to not break down as tears welled up in my eyes.

I looked at the post again; they had shared my TikTok video of me dancing in drag. It wasn’t even about me being trans, that was just my fun hobby. Getting dressed up and having a good time.

I tried to ignore it as my phone continued flaring up, tweets, messages, tags... it was beginning to be too much. Why. Why would they do this to me. I was a nobody.

I turned off my phone and hoped it would all blow over. I couldn’t do anything but think about all the hateful words that were all over my profile and inbox now. Just a continuous word vomit from trolls, transphobes and shitty people who had nothing better to do than make people miserable.

After a few days I turned back on my phone and the same was still pouring in, and I realised this author had continued there tirade of hate. I had a missed call from a friend and almost 100 text messages asking if I was okay.

I responded and apologised for not getting back to them.

As I clicked send another ping came up; a message from the author themselves.

I trembled a little a small panic pinged in the back of my mind.

It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I told myself... hoping to solidify that thought before opening it.

A message stared back at me;

“I will bring you down if it’s the last thing I do. You need help. You’re damaging so many people, stop pretending and accept that you will be nothing but a woman.”

Tears started cascading down my face, I wasn’t prepared for that. I was a guy. I was. And nothing anyone said would change that, but being misgendered still burnt me deep.

“Why are you doing this?! I am no-one... why me?!” I responded almost regretting it. I should have just ignored them.

“Because I hate you and everyone like you. You all need to be locked up, and I will do everything in my power to do so” the author responded.

I took a screenshot and posted it on my account, explaining that this is what they were doing and saying.

I shared it on both my Twitter and Facebook pages, and it got shared around so quickly and some people showed their support but it just fuelled more hate. I wasn’t going to let the author win. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let them do this to someone else.

I thought about calling the cops but they wouldn’t really do anything; they’d probably blame me somehow anyway. That’s what had happened in the past.

I put my phone to silent and hoped for the best by the morning.

When I awoke there was over 1000 messages/comments/tweets about what had been happening and there was media companies trying to buy my story and everything else.

The author was angrier than ever and had sent a flood of messages, and had retweeted my screenshots saying they were fake and trying to devalue their good name etc. It was a living nightmare.

The author had sent me 1 message that scared me more than any “I know where you live, and I will stop you if you don’t admit to making all this up”

My throat welled and fear flooded through me like a tidal wave...