God I’m sweating, I honestly don’t think I’ve been this nervous. Ever! And this is somebody that’s tackled great beasts of the ocean (and I’m not talking hammerhead sharks or schools of conger eels here! Think of Godzilla or the Loch Ness Monster and you’ll have an idea). I’ve took on infernos engulfing towns and cities. Broken dams about to wash away thousands of innocent people. Hell, I’ve even talked master criminals out of poisoning half the globe (the threat of severe violence always works).

No, those were simple events compared to this. I’m bricking it! I’ve called a family meeting. It’s normally my wife Julie who organises these, usually a stern word or three for the kids (and sometimes yours truly) about not tidying up, not flushing the toilet (that’s usually directed at me…) or the fact that there appears to be approximately 103 pairs of socks missing a sock to make it a pair. The kids hate it, I hate it and it always ends the same way. We all listen, agree to not do it again. Then we do it again.

Julie has been here for a couple of minutes and she’s already asked 79 times why I’ve called the meeting. But I can hear them coming down. Pretty prompt for them I have to say, although I can hear them moaning.

“Wonder what this one’s about?” moans Jimmy.

“Probably you not flushing the bog…AGAIN!” laughs May.

“Erm, that’s always dad, come on, you know that!” squeals Jimmy defensively.

They all come in, silenced when they see me and Julie sat at the table. Julie looks confused (like I say, I never arrange these and she can’t work out what she’s done wrong if anything) and I must look a right idiot. Big red face, hands shaking a little trying to be cool and calm whilst sat in my pyjamas and slippers.

“What’s up dad?” they all say pretty much in unison.

“Please sit down, I’ve something important to tell you,” I pretty much splutter.

And as I look around at four pairs of expectant, inquisitive eyes, I say the words I swore to never ever say to anybody, never mind my own flesh and blood. “Now is the time I guess, it can’t wait any longer. My lovely family, I have to reveal that I am…”