I’ve turned off my emotions. It’s easier this way. The pain I endure everyday can no longer hurt me. When you have no emotions, nothing can hurt you. Not the abuse you endure, or the loneliness you feel every night before bed.

My mom was the only person who ever complimented me; she always told me that I am talented in everything I do. Writing, singing, dancing, fixing things, cleaning, and being a good friend to my friends. The only thing she doesn’t know how good I am at is pretending that I have emotions. Pretending to be normal.

I’m only 14 years old and yet I’ve become so conditioned to not allow my emotions to surface. Not to my dad, or my sister. I can force a smile, a laugh, and even pretend like I don’t have flashbacks from the abuse I endure every time I come home. I haven’t even begun living and yet I am emotionally dead. Meaning, I cannot express my emotions at all. I can’t even express when I’m cold, when I’m hot, when I’m feeling alone, or even when I feel happy.

Going to school and seeing my friends functioning normally makes me pretty jealous. I’ve just started high school which is supposed to be a huge part of a young adults life, a pivitol moment in life. One that decides our future.

I watched the kids in my Spanish class chatting amongst themselves, each one smiling and laughing. It was a combo class; different kids from different grades. I sat at the back of the class, I seen a tall guy looking at me.

I pressed me lips together and looked away; but throughout the class my eyes kept looking over to the guy. He had blue eyes and brown hair. He was attractive even I could see that, he was muscular but not in a lifts weights kind of way. More like he was lean and fit, but could lift 150 pounds easily.

He would meet eyes with me and I would look away. Dang it was he cute.

At the end of class he came over to me as I got my stuff together, “hey.” He said, his voice was like silk. Masculine, tough and yet something about it was comforting. A crooked smile remained on his face, ‘holy crap.’ I thought as I felt myself blush. I cleared my throat and replied to him, “Hey.” I stood up, he was taller than me; but not too tall that I couldn’t kiss him on my tipy-toes. ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN THINKING! HE’S PROBABLY WANTING TO ASK YOU TO STOP STARING AT HIM DURING CLASS!’ I yelled at myself in my head.

I began to walk away and he followed, “my name is Duane. It’s nice to meet you.” My heart began to flutter, ‘such an attractive name. ‘ I looked over to him who looked at me, ‘wow. I could get lost in his eyes.’ “My name is Layla. It’s nice to meet you too.” I smiled, I couldn’t help it. It’s like his presence made me feel relaxed, more relaxed than I’ve ever been my entire life. “I have my next class upstairs but I’d like to talk to you more.” He said.

‘HOLY CRAP, HOLY FREAKING CRAP!’ I smiled, then nodded. He gave me his phone, “give me your number and I’ll text you.” I nodded again, taking his phone.

He waved to me saying goodbye. I felt like I was swooning over this guy. My friend Nichole came over to me, who had apparently witnessed the entire thing. “WHO was THAT?!” She asked, wrapping her arm around mine. “His name is Duane, he’s in my Spanish class.. he asked me for my number.”

She pushed against me, “WELL, DUH HE DID! HE’S TOTALLY HOT DUDE!”

I giggled, “Shhh! He could hear you!”

“What grade is he in?” Nichole asked, I grinned. “He’s a Junior.”

After two more days of school passed, Duane came over to me after Spanish class. “Hey, Layla! Sorry I didn’t text yet, my parents grounded me.” I looked at him with a confused but happy smile, “what’d you do?” He chuckled, “I didn’t do the chores I was told to do.” I chuckled, “been there, done that.” We walked together down the hall to the stairwell, “here.” He gave me a piece of paper. “See you in two days.”

I took the paper, “you too.”

I turned, and there Nichole was. My goodness does she follow me around. “What does it say?!” She said loudly as she came over to me excitedly. I gave her a look of ‘shut up!’ She laughed, “I don’t know! I just got it!” I said, I walked quickly with her as we went to our next class. I opened the note:

“Want to meet up at the park next Saturday at 4:00? Yes or no? Drop this off at locker 352.” Read the note.

“Dude it’s like that song, check yes or no!” Nichole said, as she read the note over my shoulder. I nudged her and got geeky. “Shh!” I bit my lip and folded the note up.

“Are you going to go?” Nichole asked, I looked her her and said “if Ryan Reynolds asked you to meet up somewhere you would go, wouldn’t you?!” We laughed. I felt eyes on me and see Duane looking down from the top floor of the school. My eyes got wide and I felt my face grow hot. I grabbed Nichole and began walking faster. Duane’s face had a huge smile on it. “Crap! Crap! Crap!” I said as I rushed Nichole and I to Choir. “What!?” She asked, “HE HEARD ME DUDE!” I said in a loud whisper.

I came out of choir and there he was, waiting for me. “Um… hi.” I said shyly. “Ryan Reynolds, huh?” I tried not to look embarrassed but the laugh that came out of him told me it was pointless. I laughed with him, “here.” I said, handing him the note. I felt someone touch my back, I turned and looked at Nichole. Her eyes narrowed, her double chin became pronounced and she raised her eyebrows twice. ‘Dammit Nikki!’ I thought. I pressed my lips together, holding my breath. Until I seen Duane’s face again, his face looked like he was holding in the biggest laugh and was about to lose it. I couldn’t help but laugh.

He stared at me purely and joined me in laughing. We walked up the stairs, laughing and talking.

Next week came suddenly. My mom dropped me off at the park, and I walked up to Duane who was sitting on top of a table. I always thought when you meet the one you’d get butterflies but with him, I feel peaceful. Like around him, I can truly be myself.

We spent the next two hours talking as we sat next to each other on the table. His hand slowly made its way towards mine, and I felt pure happiness when his skin got in contact with mine. I looked over to him, “I know this is hard to believe but I really like you, Layla.” He said. His voice vibrated so sweetly. I blushed and nodded, “I… me…” I cleared my throat, “yeah.” He raised his eyebrows, “what’s that mean?” He laughed.

Usually when I can’t talk it’s because I can’t form the words I want, because they are about emotions. I chuckled, “I… L-like you, too.” His eyes became soft, and he leaned towards me.

‘WAIT WHAT?!’ I thought, as his lips got closer to mine. His hand reached to touch my cheek, but was startled away by my mom honking the horn. We both jumped and pulled away from one another and I jumped down. “I’ll… um… I’ll see you at school? Text me, okay?” Duane smiled and got up. Walking me over to my moms car, “see you at school.. I will.”

6 Months past, I felt myself craving Duane. Everyday he would text me first, never giving me the chance to give him a ‘good morning, handsome’ text before his ‘good morning, beautiful.’ I felt myself falling for him, slowly. But now it felt as though I couldn’t contain it anymore. I asked him to meet me after school, before my mom picked me up.

“Hey, babe. What’s up?” Duane asked as he approached. I turned, feeling my entire body react to his voice and presence. When he is around I feel gity, like a little girl who has just got her first puppy. “Hey! I have soemthing I want to say…”. I searched for the words. ‘How the hell do I tell him? He usually always does everything first. The first hello, the first move, the first to text, the first to take my hand.’ I looked at the ground.

Silence followed, “are you… breaking up with me?” He said, hurt radiated from his words. “NO!” I said, “not at all! I just…” I looked at the ground again. “Did you cheat?” I looked up at him, “n-no… I just can’t tell you… I want to but it’s hard.”

He nodded, he looked hurt. He’s thinking the worse case scenario when all I want to do is confess my love for him. He began to nod and walk away.

“Wait! Just wait!” I said, pulling out my phone.

“I can’t find the right words to say this.. when I’m in front of you it’s nearly impossible; but texting is what I’m use to when it comes to expressing myself. I always write so this feels more natural. I love you. I love you so much that it drives me crazy. So much that I feel like I can’t live a day without you. When I don’t see you during the day I worry about you and miss you like crazy. Duane, I love you.” I sent the text.

His phone pinged. He looked at it, and read the message.

He chuckled. Looking up at me, I looked down at the ground. Ready to hear that he didn’t feel the same, that this is was all a game to him. I was ready to get hurt.

Everytime I expressed myself to someone they always shut me down. My pain, happiness, joy, love, excitement. Every time, shut down by the people that surround me.

He walked towards me, I felt his hands grab my face. His lips collided with mine. ‘What?’ I thought, his soft lips embracing mine. I put my arms around him, placing my hand on his neck as the other wrapped itself under his arm to hold his shoulder.

I felt my entire body want to explode, I melted into him. His lips and mine kissing each other lovingly and passionately. He pulled away, looking me in the eyes he smiled. “I love you too.”

He pulled me in for another kiss then a hug.

For the first time in my life I felt truly happy. Like everything I’ve been through fell away into nothingness. I felt safe. I felt wanted. Needed. And loved for the very first time.

I’m now 24 years old, and I get the same feelings I did back then now. For the man that found my heart when I was lost in the dark. For the man who showed me real love. For the man who gave me my freedom.

My first love. My husband. My soul mate.