Hi Vanessa! I just finished reading this story and I did really enjoy it. The story idea that you chose is simplistic (that isn’t a criticism) and it allows me to give you some helpful feedback.
The first piece of feedback I’d like to share with you is in regards to your first sentence. I wasn’t sure if writing the word “dust” was an accident and you meant “dusk”, but I wanted to share another way you could describe the scene:
The sun fell behind the trees on this crisp October evening.
The reason I chose to phrase it like that is because of the vivid picture that paints in the reader’s mind. When writing any sort of story, you always want to remember that the reader is an active participant in your story. You want to be able to give them a scene that allows their imaginations to create something unique.
The other reason I worded it like that, was because adding the word “crisp” evokes another of the reader’s senses. It isn’t always attainable to constantly be incorporating all of the five senses (because writing is mostly visual) however it does help to include words that evoke other senses from time to time.
The next piece of advice I’d like to share with you is in regards to offering backstory through emotion and action.
When you’re describing that William and Samantha are walking hand-in-hand, that created an image in my mind. It was shifted though, when you had written that Samantha was forbidden from dating William. Within those two sentences, there lies a great opportunity to describe emotion and action.
An example of this could be:
After missing the school bus, they walked down the sidewalk hand-in-hand. William’s skin was firm and warm against her own. She didn’t care that his skin was far darker than her own. She simply just saw him. She loved him, regardless of her parents protests.
Even though you described the scene in fewer sentences than I did, what I did was to allow the reader to be an active participant in your story.
Another piece of advice I’d like to share with you is when you specified that they were both juniors in high school. If you wanted to, you could omit that piece of information from your story because it isn’t adding anything necessary to your story. You’ve already shared that William and Samantha are walking home because they missed the school bus. So unless there’s a specific reason to include that information, I’d take it out. If you did wish to keep it however, my advice to you would be to include some sort of dialogue that shows readers that these are high school students.
An example of dialogue between William and Samantha would be:
“I hope my G.P.A. doesn’t drop too terribly because of this.” Samantha said. William laughed and pulled her closer.
“Sam, you have the rest of this year and all of next year before graduation. Missing one day isn’t the end of the world.”
Writing a dialogue like that presented two things:
1. Readers got further insight into who Samantha is. (In this case, she’s very achievement seeking.) That creates opportunity for your readers to bond to your characters; they no longer feel static anymore.
2. You’ve allowed readers to figure out that they’re in high school, rather than spoon-feeding them each detail.
In addition to my comment about spoon-feeding information to the readers, I would omit the detail that they were located in Dayton, Ohio. To me, I don’t necessarily see where that piece of information becomes vital to the story.
When you include very specific details in a story, as the writer it can feel necessary because you don’t want your readers to be confused in any way. What I’ve noticed happen (through my own trials and errors) is that giving specific details can shrink the reader’s imagination and take them out of the story.
The next area I’d like to share and help you in, is in showing versus telling. You have a great example of this in your story.
“Samantha felt uneasy and gripped William’a hand tightly, as a group of young white males were approaching them in this dark alleyway.”
Written like this, it’s a great example of telling. I’d like to share an example of how the scene can be re-written when you use more showing instead.
At the other end of the alley, Samantha noticed a large group of males holding large sticks and stones in their hands. She slowed her pace and hoped that William would realize how dangerous this was. She squeezed his fingers before grabbing at her cell phone in her pocket.
Now would be an excellent time to include the dialogue you’ve written, because you’ve set up the scene. Readers can feel how nervous Samantha is.
Granted, the way you had this written wasn’t bad in any way. I just wanted to share with you the difference that can be made when you give some foreshadowing to the dialogue.
A quick side note: using the word “appeared” can hurt a person’s writing. It’s not that the word should never be used, but when you’re using it, the word “appeared” insinuates that it may or may not be (in this case) large tree limbs. It’s just my personal opinion that when writing a story, readers like to know whether or not an item is what it says it is. (If that makes sense.)
When writing dialogue, I’d like to share with you what I consider to be the “dance” between dialogue and action and how when combined together, it creates a very well written scene.
As an example, I’m going to use the dialogue you wrote that begins with “William, do you know them?” Samantha asked very fearfully with tears in her eyes.
Here is an example of dialogue and action blended together: (I did slightly edit the dialogue, simply for the example)
Samantha’s mouth was dry. “William, do you know them?” He nodded and pushed Samantha behind him.
“Don’t worry, I got you.” All of the men wore jean jackets with large patches embroidered on the sleeves.
“I know them. They call themselves the Drexel Gang. They have a hideout on the other side of the train tracks.”
“Maybe we should turn around,” Samantha whispered. “We don’t need any trouble.”
William kept his eyes firmly on the leader of the group. “I’m not afraid of them.”
I hope that the example that I created was helpful in showing you how dialogue and action really bounce off of each other and how much it can enhance your story.
I do have a few more pieces of advice, but I’m going to stop now. I know I’ve written an extremely long comment and I don’t want to overwhelm you (or worse), make you feel like I’m just pulling your story apart piece by piece.
You are an excellent writer and I can see a lot of potential in your stories. In this particular story, I liked how you incorporated the idea of having a mixed couple in a relationship and the reality that can happen from that (in this case, parents who oppose the relationship). I also enjoyed that you kept the story moving. You didn’t stay in one area for too long, or continue to describe the same scene multiple different ways.
I hope that the advice I did offer you will be helpful and in no way discourage you from continuing to write. I know with writing it seems like there are thousands of rules, and yet somehow no rules at all. I am in no way any sort of expert, and everything I’ve shared with you is based on my own writing experience and journey. But I’m still learning too.
Again, keep up the great work!
