Caress my mind and treat it softly
Mend my thoughts ever tender still
Steeped in sensations often costly
Cradle them as a babe if you will
Kiss my lips with full surrender
Callous hearts are made anew
Hoping to capture or remember
A lasting sense or residue
Branded with a love I’ve broken
Brandy sweetens the cards I’m dealt
Crass are my words unspoken
I’m quite entitled to what I’ve felt
I really like the line ‘Brandy sweetens the cards I’m dealt’ - it’s unusual and arresting. Keep writing!!
This poem does a great job of connecting one's senses to the emotions that come with love. The descriptive language evokes strong images, like the idea of “cradle[ing] them as a babe” or “brand[ing] with a love I’ve broken”. It's clear that you were able to put thought and care into the language you used.
However, there are some areas where the poem could be improved. For example, a line like “Brandy sweetens the cards I’m dealt” could be focused more on sensory experience to better tie in with the prompt. Instead, you could write something like “Brandy plays on my tongue, strong yet sweet” for a more sensory-focused approach.
Further, consider the rhythm of the lines. You've mostly done an excellent job of keeping the reader in a lilting rhythm, but there are some areas where the meter changes. For example 'Crass are my words unspoken' is shorter than the third lines of other stanzas, and disrupts the pattern. Reading aloud to yourself could help you improve this.
Overall, this poem has a wonderful premise with great potential. With some extra consideration to meter and exploring language further, this poem can really become something special!
Beautifully written ❤️ such passion
