Mama I miss you The boys miss you Dad misses you We’re not ok I cry randomly Our hearts hurt You were our rock Now we cry and remember the good times Sad beyond belief Feelings at our feet Trying to move on When will it end Let the hurt stop I can’t call or text I bought your house Now the memories live on Mama we miss you To infinity and beyond
April 22, 2023-Day 45 on Hospice , she was given 3 months Right in the middle of med time I said I’m just gonna jump right in and give you a hug while I can That was the warmest hug and embrace I think I ever remember having. She gave hugs but to me it felt awkward. She pulled me closer with what strength she has left and squeezed me, gave me a smooch on my forehead and said she loves me. I can’t remember the last time she hugged me like that. That hug had a flood of emotions and thoughts You won’t see me get married even though I said I wouldn’t. You were right, he’s my person. You won’t be here to see the kids grow. The tears wouldn’t stop.
But why did my gut feel like it was the last time I get one of mamas hugs. Fuck Cancer!
Love is the lie that keeps us alive. Alive just long enough to die Til death do us part is the saying But why does love have to be a lie The warm embrace of a partner That loving touch we crave In and out every single day I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me who My ride or die is. That doesn’t mean anything but a ton of work. I’d rather be partner for life by choice then ever by the book. Actions speak louder than words. To stay alive we need love or we’ll die
The slow nauseating feel when you’re around food The death to your tastebuds Losing taste for the things you love One By One You still crave those things But you only think you know how they taste The fried chicken you want daily is used for smell As you can’t taste the Kentucky fried goodness The mashed potatoes and gravy becomes spicy and unwanted but the craving is still there The Pepsi you’d have daily with that marborlo light Now is no where in sight The taste is so far gone My moms fading to no where in sight
Hush little ladies don’t you cry Mama’s gonna zip those busy lips tied All day long they scream and cry Why can’t you behave like my good little guy He’s quiet and there unheard and unseen A quiet proper boy indeed Unlike you whining three Tammy, Claire and missy Come here, give mommy a hug Used a needle not a gun The silence is deafening The noise is done
Here it is the final choice to be made Do you stay or go? Do they bring joy to your life? Do they add anxiety and stress? Do you miss peace? Feel like you’re missing something?
If you feel any one of them. Let me make this decision easy
Just go….. If you are even at all hesitant or unsure Just go No hate or ill will
I want the best for you But I want the best for me too
Let me let you in on a secret It’s not just what’s best for me it’s what’s best for my little 3
The sky is a very ominous sight It’s still ……dark What silence and noise are quietly deafening The ground and everything is wet
The fence is knocked down You can hear the thunder rumble, sounding so close The light show in the sky within the clouds It’s beautiful in its own way
Grays mixed within black A pop of pink and purple peeking through too
As is with depression it’s always gloomy and stormy some days better than others when those pinks and purples pop through it can be a great day even in the darkest of moments
As the storm brews The booms lightening strikes The clatter of bowling pins falling down Is the rumble of the thunder
Let’s start off by saying iykyk
Energy is the capacity or power to do work. Have you ever met a 5 year old? They can be little jerks. It’s fine, I’m talking about mine!
This age will take you to church. They’re feral and eat anything in sight But their favorites are Dino nuggs and veggie fries It’s about facts and actions.
Rights and freedoms are for everyone. Little gremlins working day and night making sure the world is just fine You’re gonna hear them coming these kids are so heavy footed it’ll make your floors cry.
These kids are smart. I mean like who else stands with their mates and just walk out of class!!!! They’re tough skin is nothing for the guts they have
Free is the way the honey badger will be. That actions comes with responsibilities They will bring an uprising like no other They’ll tell you “NO” to your face. It’s cute but scary
They’ll leave their mark, hands held high Standing firm knowing their truth isn’t a lie Confusing you with each try They stick up for others, making hearts cry They know what they want any other choice would be wrong
These kids don’t take shit from anyone. Are feral and smart, sly and quick. They don’t fear the big bully Not even Goliath Cuz my sweet little boy is not the one.
Don’t cross him, it will turn real quick when my boy goes Zero to Honey badgers in the blink of an eye The age of Gen Alpha are honey badgers And funny fact Honey badgers who don’t give a fuck
That week I packed myself up in my truck drove to my sisters and cried I cried so much I was drunk I was wreckless Toxicity fueling me Until it happened The guy I met up with was nice He smooth talked a broken woman But when I said “NO!!!” That’s when he called be a whore. I was violated A part of me was stolen I wanted to die I felt alone I felt judged hard I said nothing I just went to the beach alone Sat down close to the tide Secretly hoping it would swoop me in and under Too many rely on me I had a bottle of wine in one hand Anxiety meds in the other Here comes the violent toxic Thoughts Intrusive Thinking The pain I want to cause upon myself. Deep breathing now I watched the sunset Beautiful colors Hearing the waves crash I am loved I am tough I am enough I am 1 in 4
The long days and even longer nights. Up at 3am giving us all the fight. She’s frail and boney, but feisty as ever. But damn you if you don’t give her the lighter, you may lose a thumb. Smokes and Pepsi. That’s moms thing, take that away Not knowing what mood you’ll get. It’s hard watching the memory go Not remembering who you are. She’s confused and scared, I can see it in her face. Talk to her like she’s your mom and not a baby. Why my sister does that I’ll never understand. But when mom stopped asking for Marb golds and pepsi, I unfortunately knew this was the end. I was losing my mom this month and it was becoming too real.
Ughhhhh this sucks, go hug your mom!
