That’s always the most popular question when someone is murdered… “Why”? Everyone has to have a reason, an understanding, or an explanation, but my question is not “Why do it”?, but “Why must there be a reason”? I will never understand people’s need to have an explanation for everything; it adds so much unnecessary stress and frustration. The one question that no one ever asks is “Why not”?, and I believe it is perfectly valid. I already know the obvious answer because it’s morally wrong and whatever else. But take away the morals and reasoning and think about the question again.

According to statistics, the average serial killer will come from a broken home with abusive or absent parents. So, it makes sense for them to start killing, I mean if the people who brought them into this world brought them harm why wouldn’t they bring harm to strangers? On the other hand, some people were lucky enough to have parents who loved them, but the rest of the world was not so kind. The list could go on and on, but one explanation as to why a serial killer stands out more than others to me. Some researchers believe that the MAOA gene plays a role in regulating neurotransmitters, and may influence aggression and emotional control, with low activity variants potentially increasing the risk of violent behavior. However, people have to remember it’s crucial to understand that human behavior is complex and influenced by a combination of genetic, environmental, and social factors.

Therefore, with three different influential variables that no one has any control over in their life, anyone could become a serial killer. I share this information with you to give you a different perspective on the situation at hand and my reasoning behind it. Well, I guess you could say, I am attempting to help you understand my perspective. I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that what every serial killer wants?”, that’s not necessarily accurate. Some don’t care whether you see things from their perspective or not and some believe they have the only perspective or don’t have any at all towards the concept. I, on the other hand just want someone to understand or say that they understand my compulsions, and indeed mean it. Family and friends can try to be understanding and supportive but they can only do so to an extent. If they dig too deep or try too hard they either end up afraid for you, they will try to say it’s a concern, but deep down you can see the fear start to form in their eyes.

Anyway, before I end up too far off subject, we’ve covered the basics of what creates a serial killer. I don’t check any of the boxes that come on that list; Both parents were loving and caring, I grew up in one house until I was eighteen, I was a straight-A student and was captain of the cheerleading squad. I had a perfect life growing up, but there was always a void I felt like I could never fill. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch, I had an almost animalistic compulsion to rip something to shreds with my teeth and hands. Now most professionals would say I have built up anger from a traumatic event and as I have said before, that’s not the case. I have done plenty of research beyond therapists and psychologists, and they all pretty much come to the same conclusion. By the time I was eighteen, I had given up on my research and just learned to control my compulsions well and attempt to anyway.

The way I see it, every human being has a right to feed into their compulsions at least once in their life in some shape, form, or fashion. If you can’t feed into your compulsions or guilty pleasures once in a while they will end up eating at you or come busting out of you faster and stronger than you can control. But, that is also just my opinion on the matter, however with that being said I believe a compulsion could be a close similarity to addiction. A lot of serial killers say that the act of killing itself gave them a high they had never imagined. Well, like any other addict, they are going to continue to chase that first initial high, never being able to have it again and end up hooked. I guess you could say that was similar to my situation, but I’m not an addict nor does my family history have drug problems.

I first felt the high when I was twelve years old, the neighbor’s cat had gotten out and made its way into our yard. We had a huge pitbull at the time, who had unfortunately heard the cat in the yard before I did. By the time I realized what was going on, the cat was barely alive. I picked it up off the ground, and as I watched and felt the cat take its last breath, this amazing feeling of euphoria and bliss came over me. At the time I didn’t fully understand what the feeling was or why I had felt it, but I knew I couldn’t tell my parents. I just knew I had to feel it again at least one more time, so I started to search for abandoned animals in alleys and under bridges. I came across a litter of kittens, you could tell they had been abandoned for a while now. I laid out some kitten food so they would come to me and when they would come into my lap I would grab them by the throat and squeeze until I felt the neck snap like a twig.

See, now here’s the twist, each time I killed I wasn’t searching for my first initial high. The high just got better and better with each kill. I knew I could control it because once I felt myself start to become dependent on the high of the kill, I had to stop. I had to give myself a tolerance break, I guess you could call it. I knew like any other drug you have to do so much to build a tolerance to it, well I can’t build a tolerance to something if I don’t do too much of it. Right? Well, anyway as I grew up, I learned tricks and ways to hide my “addiction” from my parents. I wish I could say they had noticed something was different about me, but if you ask them, I became happier and was the happiest they had ever seen me.

Graduating high school and moving out of my parent’s house gave me a lot more freedom than I was used to. I was also going to school to become a veterinarian, which gave me access to feed my “addiction”. At first, the animals were the perfect satisfaction for me, then after being in the industry for so long, I learned a lot about animal abusers. When animal control would bring in animals that had been abused most of the time they were either, pretty much almost dead or too injured to satisfy my itch. So, I decided to try to satisfy the itch with an animal abuser instead of the animal itself, and let me tell you that the first man that I tore to shreds felt so exhilarating that there are no words to describe the feeling.

The story is pretty much the same as it was with the cats but instead of just breaking their necks or feeling the life leave their body after running them over. I rip these men’s throats out with my teeth and slice open their stomachs to watch the organs spew out like a pinata. The way I rationalize my killings is I am getting rid of men and women who hurt innocent animals that couldn’t fight for themselves. Plenty of people say they would kill someone who could do something like that. Could they commit the act, if it came down to it? Most people would say that depending on your morals and perspective, my actions would be acceptable. On the other hand, other people would say that murder is murder and I had no right to decide whether they lived or not for their actions.

I respect both perspectives of the argument, but neither is arguing the truth that all I did was switch my victimology. I learned that there can be such a thing as a high-functioning addict, no matter what you’re addicted to.