Im ashamed to admit….im a janitor. I smoked a shit load of weed in highschool and failed every class….4 times….even gym….even guitar. I worked at a womens shelter and these broads were mean as hell and strong to boot. One day my boss says to me, he says “cut the fuckin grass retard!” So i hop on the lawnmower and get down to business. Everythings goin pretty dope until i fuckin drive into the koi pond. The lawnmowers fucked, fish are all dead. I personally dont really give a fuck but my boss feels jipped and has his panties all in a bunch. He pulls me into his office, obviously just trying to show off his printer. Then he looks me in my eyes and says, he says to me, he says “go fuck yourself!”

This was my big chance to impress my boss. I went straight to the broom closet and began devising a plan, i needed to impress my boss. i needed to show him i was no dummy. I needed to fuck myself. I tried bending my pecker downwards but quickly realized it was small and that hurt a lot. I stayed up all night that night researching. I stumbled across a pornhub vid describing the secrets of self penetration. I had to go to hollywood. I had an extensive criminal record so i went to tavistock instead. According to the video there were 3 keys to fucking yourself. # 1 flexibility, # 2 cock length , and # 3 spare time. I tied my legs to a stop sign and tied my head to a truck while it sat waiting a red light. The light went green, the engine roared, sadly the rope pulled the stop sign out of the ground and i was instead dragged down highway 59 all the way to hickson before I could chew the rope and free myself. I felt defeated. I did some yoga poses in the church parking lot but still was nowhere near being able to penetrate myself.

Flexibility wasnt an option, i needed more length. I tied my flaccid penis to a stop sign and tied my head to a truck waiting at a red light. The light turned green, the engine roared but unfortunately whoever was in charge of the stop signs around here was lazy as shit and i pulled the stop sign out of the ground and was dragged all the way to norwich down highway 59 . As i sat battered and bruised in a norwich ditch i glanced behind me and it was as if the 2 stop signs tied to my body were trying to tell me something. Stop, they red. But i didnt listen.

My boss thought i was a joke, but i was determined to get the last laugh. I wasnt gonna stop until i fucked myself harder than anyone had ever fucked themselves. I noticed a herd of cows to my left. Then i noticed a truck to my right. It hit me and dragged me down highway 59 all the way to delhi. Everyone in delhi is fucked, and since i had gotten myself there, i had fucked myself.