I had never given too much thought to my death.

In my 23 years of life I had only ever considered that I would die of old age. Maybe in my home, surrounded by loved ones. Maybe in a hospital, surrounded by nurses. I hadn’t thought about it much because it didn’t matter to me. It would be an inevitable end to a long and fulfilling life. One I had barely even started. It wasn’t my time yet, and it certainly wouldn’t be for many, many years.

Until today.

The moment I stepped my foot off the pavement and into the road, I could feel that something was different. The air became still. My movements slowed. Even before I saw the car I knew; I was going to die.

My body was on autopilot, planting one foot in front of the other, nearing the centre of the road. I felt my feet moving slowly, too slowly, as my mind raced. This was it. This was the end. All my life has been leading up to this moment. I was never meant to be a lawyer like I had planned. I was foolish to think I would even graduate. I would never get my dream job, get married, travel the world, have children, celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, promotions, christmases. I would never get to be old. Never see my children grow up, my parents grow old. Never again would I mourn for friends or family, comfort a friend after a heartbreak, make a partner smile in a way only someone you love can.

I was only ever going to arrive here, on this street, on this day. I thought I would be graduating tomorrow. But that was never going to happen. In this moment, I realised that every decision I had ever made would lead me here.

And so I stepped forward.

The car came into my view, screeching carelessly around the corner, heading towards me. I was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off. There was no-one around to see me, to warn me of the danger, to call out in horror. The few times I had considered my death, I had never thought that I could be alone. Tick, tock, tick, tock. The car was close now, I could hear it swerving, perhaps the driver was drunk. Maybe too young to drive. Either way, they would not see me in my dark clothes, alone on a dimly lit street, not until it was too late. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

No. I wouldn’t have this. I had worked far too hard to have it all lead to nothing. I had a life planned out, people I loved, people who loved me. Fuck destiny.

My feet felt stuck to the road. I knew I was meant to keep walking, this had been decided for me, I keep walking, the car hits me, I die, that’s the plan. Tick, tock. I focused all of my energy on my feet. If I could just pull myself back... turn around.. run... fall to the ground... anything....... I was fighting against my own body now, dragging myself backwards. Tick, tock. Tears were streaming down my face as I felt the car approach me. One foot faltered. Tick. Every ounce of my being was fighting for my life. Tock. I pulled and pulled for what felt like an eternity, even as I felt the cold metal of the car against my leg. Tick-. Then, I was on the floor.

My leg throbbed and a sharp pain shot through my shoulder where I had landed. My head was ringing, my fingers were numb, adrenaline coursed through my body.

But the ticking had stopped.

I was alive.

My mind filled with thoughts I was never meant to think, emotions I was never meant to feel. I saw things I was never meant to see; the back of the car, a bird flying above me, a man running towards me, holding me, the flashing blue and red lights of the ambulance. I was never meant to hear those sirens, or the comforting voice of the paramedic, the beeping of the machines. Everything was suddenly more real, more beautiful. Everything around me was so alive.

And so was I.