I felt it. The tingle that tenderizes my lips, so fragile if touched. My husband went out to a work party to celebrate the Christmas holidays. I couldn’t come along. He said, “it’s just a company party”, no plus ones. He was always working, long hours and overtime. He was exhausted by the time he had gotten home that he would forget my good night kiss.

I couldn’t complain because I had no permeant job, he had to make enough so that we can earn enough to start a stable family. He hasn’t touched me since our honeymoon. He didn’t want to be tempted to create a child too early when we weren’t ready.

When he wasn’t ready. He had a beautiful home, a mortgage that was achievable long before we would retire. I saw this home as our forever home and I wanted to invest in it too.

I got a part-time job without him knowing. He was gone before I would leave for my shift. I worked as a dishwasher at a pizza place. I absolutely hated the work. But I thought about what I could add to our home with the money I made every hour.

This is for us.

I wanted to have 4 kids. It’s a lot to manage, but I already planned they would share rooms with the extra 2 guest rooms we had. I was sitting in my damp uniform as I watched T.V. I was too tired to change, no one was there to care.

For a little less than 6 years, I’ve stayed at the same job. I stuck it out because I was too old, or unqualified for others.

Over 150,000 I have saved for future furniture spending and child planning. I was proud to say I made money for my future. Although it could not compare to my husbands job.

I couldn’t complain about his absents. I knew him since we were in high school, young and in love, I know him better than he knows himself. We grew together, we learned together and stayed together even when he was studying hard in post secondary.

He likes to drink. So did I once, but I stopped thinking if he noticed, he would realize I’m preparing for him to bear a child with me.

I stared at a bottle of wine that was placed in the middle of the glass coffee table. The tingle in my lips becoming itchy. I start to scratch at my lip but the pins and needles that vibrated in my lip wouldn’t stop. So I scratched harder and harder, till my lip started to bleed.

It wasn’t me.

My phone pinged a chiming sound and that’s when my heart dropped. I picked up my phone. I looked at the message that was sent from my husband,

“I won’t be coming home tonight.”

I knew he didn’t love me anymore.

.

.

.

For a while, I suspected he hadn’t cared about our future as much as I did. Even with the constant reminders he’d tell me, “I’m working for us.”

Our marriage didn’t really have a honeymoon stage. He didn’t finish our night together, he pulled away and said goodnight. He wasn’t ready for our future. I wanted him to be.

But I can’t make him do what he does not want to do. On my birthday, I pleaded for him to call in. Instead, he ordered roses to the house with a card saying ‘I’m sorry, I love you, happy birthday -Hun’, not even a heart but I gave the benefit of a doubt that he was busy with work.

It was bound to end.

I always complained when he came home late, I’d scream at him for not kissing me goodnight. He was tired of hearing my nagging. I was tired of the same problems.

My body felt numb. My eyes were dry than having the moist liquid billowing in my eyes.

I walked into the kitchen with sluggish trots. I grabbed a glass and grasped in hand. Back to the living room, I held by the glass by the stem taking the bottle from the coffee table and filled my cup till the bowl was filled.

It’s over. I know it.

I stirred the glass and took a sip.