Paranoia is a feeling hard to describe. Like a shadow constantly following you. Like an echo you hear in people’s voices, steeped with bad intent. Like a deep breath you took that stopped mid air. Paranoid… that’s what they labelled me. And by now I believe. Maybe all along it was my mind playing tricks on me. So I take the pills and life has gotten better. I have a job now. I work at the fruit stand at the market. I hand people their apples without a voice in my head questioning their words. I collect the coins and wish them a good day without my eyes following them. It’s good. This is what peace must feel like.

I even met you. Tall, handsome, kind. I don’t know how you do it, but with you I feel safe.

I’ve never felt safe with anyone.

“Mari?” I pick up my phone. It’s you, but your voice sounds different. You sound…panicked. “Mari, are you there?” Usually you speak calmly to me, because you know how much I need it.

I jump out of my train of thoughts “Yes, yes, yes, of course I am! Are you okay?”

“Oh thank God”, you breathe heavily into the phone. “Okay, I know this will sound very, very weird but I need your help and you cannot ask any further questions, okay?” I am trying to process what he is saying. “I need to borrow the $4000 your mother inherited you.” He sounds as if he is not alone. “Only for a short while. I will give it back to you in no time.” Why is he speaking so fast? It feels as if his words only start reaching me now. He wants what? The money my mother inherited me?

“You don’t need it right now anyways, don’t you? Do you think you could lend it to me?” His voice becomes fragile and weak at the end of that question. I stare into the air. I don’t know what to say. I try to swallow but there is a massive lump in my throat.

I shouldn’t trust..I shouldn’t trust….this is so… wrong?! So off?! Isn’t it?

But… but he’s my safe person. I made a list with my therapist and he is my safe person, my mind repeats.

“Mari?! I know this must seem so weird, but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t needed.” He sounds more insisting now, tinted with an impatience I’ve never heard before.

Does his voice sound deeper than it usually does?? Is this even him? No, no, not these ideas again. We don’t do that anymore Mari, remember?

I’m trying to process a million thoughts at the same time. But what if it is him and he needs me. He’s in a bad situation and something has happened to him. Oh my God, nothing can happen to him. Not him, he’s my safe person. My breath has become faster. No further questions he said. He needs me.

“What, what do you need me to do?” I stutter into the phone.

“Go to the bank, get the money, put it in an envelope and leave it at the bench on the other side of the road. Be there in half an hour, just drop it and leave. I will give it back to you in no time, I promise”

I become very quiet. I don’t know what to do, everything within me is telling me to not trust, to not believe, to stop whatever this is… but he’s my safe person, right?! He’s just stressed. His voice sounds different when he’s stressed.

“Okay, I will be there 30 minutes.”, I say back into the phone almost robotic.

“Thanks Mari I will explain it all to you later. I promise.” Beep, beep, beep… the phone line goes dead. $4000. He needs my $4000. My mother’s money. I am still trying to process what just happened. For all I know he is a normal, decent man. Works as a substitute teacher, good with kids, good with people, orderly. We’ve been dating for what is it…three months now? I never thought I would ever date again after all that happened. I never thought I could trust again after all that happened.

I need to learn trust again, that’s what they told me, right?! This world is not against me. I close my eyes for a moment, I take a deep breath. Remember Mari, this world is not against you, I repeat mentally. I need to trust again. Everything within me tells me something is wrong, but I need to trust again…right?

He is my safe person.