Nice one, Ethan! You got me curious at the start about what the character had seen on his phone. I pictured the girl inside the room with him smiling. Then, continued reading about being stuck like a mouse in a mousetrap and really enjoyed the metaphor. But I got slightly confused after that…
Following that, I realised that the trap was somehow literal but still didn’t quite understand where the airl in the story was and how she was watching him. You mention she watched from the “skylines” and I really didn’t understand what this meant.
I didn’t feel like I knew either character particular well nor their relationship with one another. It would be great if you had given us some context. Names would have made us feel a tiny bit more attached to them. And if you could have described the characters in more detail I think we would feel even more attached to them. What do they look like? How can we learn more about their past and their personality through the way you describe them?
It flicked between tenses a bit too which made it hard to follow. One line it says “he was” and the following line it says “he’s been running for hours”. “He’s been” is short for “he has been” which is present tense (present perfect continuous).
The twist at the end was pretty brutal, especially given that we have no context about who the characters were. Is she evil? Do they know each other? Was her action redeemable in some way?
Overall, this could have made a really good little story if you’d fleshed out the characters a bit more and given the reader a little extra context about what’s going on. You’ve got the imagine so keep practicing 😊
P.S. You mentioned you wanted feedback on Voice, Pace and Spelling/Grammar.
For Spelling/Grammar, everything seemed okay except for the tense switching I mentioned earlier.
Pace was reasonably good, too. There was a feeling of desperation as the piece continued. He got more and more weary and desperate until the climax at the end.
Voice-wise I think you could improve it a little as I went into more detail above.