I needed a job bad, i needed smackers. I fired up microsoft word and opened my resume. I changed my name to Elon Musk and edited my job experience to say i had been a nurse for 600 years and that i single handedly cured the bubonic plague. I said my hobbies included saving the world and inventing new medicines and occasionally fist fighting germs. A local nursing home was thrilled to have Elon Musk joining their staff so the hired me on the spot. About 10 minutes into my first shift some old guy died. I reached into his pockets and stole his wallet and cell phone. I furiously opened his wallet lookin to find some cash for the vending machine. I was disappointed when I found no cash at all, just a note scribbled on the back of a photo of jeff probst shirtless. The note read “ I am count dracula. I have been alive for 10 thousand years. I have bitten countless mortals and brought unspeakable terror to the world. Van helsing is a bitch. Fuck werewolves. I sometimes am a bat, and i sometimes sleep upside down when the nurses arent paying attention. As im sure you have noticed, there is a wooden stake in my heart.” Only then i noticed that there was indeed a big old stake in his chest. I sat on his face and bucked my hips like a bull rider. His fangs hurt my gooch but still I remember what mike craib had told me “any girl can squirt”