i feel pathetic.

why can i never leave? why does everyone leave me first?

maybe im the problem. i thought i was just meeting bad people. but i guess its just me. thats the only answer i have left.

maybe its because i fall too hard, cry too much, love too deeply.

or maybe its my overthinking. the way i feel like he doesnt love me if his tone is off or if he says we spend too much time together. its normal too need space. but i interpret it different. and i cant stop.

why am i so dependent on the people in my life? 

i wish i could be happy alone like everyone else i know. just like he tells me i should.

he shames me for not being happy when we are apart. he tells me its draining to have someone who cant be away from him. im suffocating.

any words to make me feel like shit for the way my brain works, ive heard.

yes, i know its my fault. i dont want to hear it. i allow my world to revolve around one person, and if something is off with them it ruins my entire day.

trust me, ive tried to fix it. i make new friends, hang out with them. but all i find myself wanting to do is be with him. ive tried finding new hobbies. coloring, writing, picking up shifts at work, anything. nothing helps.

this is why he left me.

its also why he came back. he knows i will always be here.

its why he keeps leaving me over and over. he knows i will never be able to accept the end of our relationship, and i will beg and plead for him to stay until he gives in.

i wish i could go on a tangent about how he loves the attention i give him and stays because he knows im wrapped around his finger, but thats just not true. i know he loves me. its just, i love him more.

and theres nothing that will change that. i love to a capacity that no other human being will ever be able to achieve.

so leave me again, again, and again.

i promise ill still be here, waiting for you to love me.