The night before I was Jamison Gunther, now I was a famous philosopher.

I woke up and found myself in a green room lying on a soft couch. I was startled to say the least, but I had no time to think, because 3 workers pulled me up from my resting position and frantically escorted me to the stage, warning me, “you’re on in 10 seconds, Bonny!”

I was just offstage, right behind some curtains, and I saw the announcer on stage hyping the crowd up.

“You know him, you love him, you follow his every word! May I present to you the famous philosopher, Bonny Arback!”

The workers pushed me onto the stage just as the announcer left. The stadium was packed. Thousands of little eyes on me. My pits were sweating like nobody’s business. I am not Bonny, I am Jamison Gunther!

I was thinking that I could just bluff my speech and talk about something easy like ‘live life to the fullest’ to get it over with. I just wanted to get back to my original body, but then I had a thought. A dubious thought. Let’s seize the moment here, shall we?...

I cleared my throat and tapped the microphone. “Hello everyone, I am famous philosopher Bonny.. uh.. Ar.. I am Bonny! And.. uhh.. I would like to talk to you today to discuss the meaning of life. You see, life is complicated; some things make you sad, and some things make you happy. But you know what makes everyone happy? The gift of giving. When we make other people happy, we make ourselves happy.

“That is why I ask all of you, my adoring fans, to Paypal as much money as you can to my friend Jamison Gunther! His PayPal link is paypal.me/jamisongunther. Everyone write this down! I’m serious! Paypal.me/jamisongunther, no spaces. You got that? He is in dire need of money. If you all do this for him, it will make him extremely happy, thus making you all happy. Again, the PayPal link is paypal.me/jamisongunther.

“Any amount you send to Jamison is enough, and you will feel happy, but if the amount is not in the triple digits then you should feel terrible. Jamison needs our money. He is dying. Personally, I will be withdrawing as much money as I can from my bank account and donating it to Jamie.

“And, oh yeah, one more thing that I would like to say before I leave. Having a significant other in your life makes life very meaningful, so if you’re single, you should hit up Jamison Gunther. Take it from me, he is a hot stud and an excellent kisser. Ladies, he is the perfect man. There are pictures of him on his Instagram; his handle is JamisonGunther7. I highly advise you all to check him out, and don’t be afraid to DM him a flirtatious message.

“Alright, thanks for listening. I’m out. Peace!”