I know that he loves me but I don’t know why I deserve to suffer so badly. For the last two months, I haven’t spent any time with him — my friends feel like he’s either cheating or getting high, either way it goes I don’t want to leave him. I know it sounds crazy but we’ve only been texting, I haven’t heard his voice or seen his face, yet I’m still in love. I know he’s telling me what I want to hear and I’m being pacified but anything is better than being so alone. I have a deep, deep fear that I’m going to die alone because I’m so intelligent and I always feel like my intelligence pushes people away, so many people feel like I’m annoying because they think I know everything, but I don’t I just feel things through. I guess my emotions leading me can be irritating to others because maybe they didn’t want to hear the worst of the worst but I’m just cautious. The same way that I’ve been so cautious towards his court date. I don't want him locked up, with a Capius, or deemed as a flight risk. I want him free and at home with me living a normal life.

Here we are, a week away from his court date, I still haven’t heard from him. Mind you, I went to the doctor during Thanksgiving and they told me that I have a cold. The fever went away, I took standard medicine and slept but I’m left lingering behind with this bad, bad cough. I googled it, “exercise induced asthma in the winter time” so I stopped working out. I want to schedule another appointment but I’m afraid I’m going to be wasting my time and money — I don’t have money to waste because I’ve been paying a lot of bills and taking care of him.

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Today makes three days away from his court date and I still haven’t heard from him, it’s his birthday and I’m panicking really bad. I just kept calling him and calling him, he still hasn’t answered the phone. I’m not fine. I’ve been going to therapy, attending appointments and nothing is working because he’s taking a toll on my heart. I thought I was going to die today because twice I coughed, I coughed really bad and I could feel my throat constrict before I knew it my head went black. When I woke up, my neighbors had me on the back of a stretcher, the stress got to my chest and I was in the hospital. They diagnosed me with anxiety and asthma, gave me another inhaler and told me I was fine.

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I just left court, they sentenced him to five years. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. I’m trying to type this and breathe but I can’t breathe, the stress of it all is hitting in me in the chest yet AGAIN, the anxiety meds aren’t helping - I can’t feel them kicking in yet and I pumped the inhaler twice, I’m wheezing as I’m stumbling on this keyboard