I know that he loves me but I don’t know why I deserve to suffer so badly. For the last two months, I haven’t spent any time with him — my friends feel like he’s either cheating or getting high, either way it goes I don’t want to leave him. I know it sounds crazy but we’ve only been texting, I haven’t heard his voice or seen his face, yet I’m still in love. I know he’s telling me what I want to hear and I’m being pacified but anything is better than being so alone. I have a deep, deep fear that I’m going to die alone because I’m so intelligent and I always feel like my intelligence pushes people away, so many people feel like I’m annoying because they think I know everything, but I don’t I just feel things through. I guess my emotions leading me can be irritating to others because maybe they didn’t want to hear the worst of the worst but I’m just cautious. The same way that I’ve been so cautious towards his court date. I don't want him locked up, with a Capius, or deemed as a flight risk. I want him free and at home with me living a normal life.
Here we are, a week away from his court date, I still haven’t heard from him. Mind you, I went to the doctor during Thanksgiving and they told me that I have a cold. The fever went away, I took standard medicine and slept but I’m left lingering behind with this bad, bad cough. I googled it, “exercise induced asthma in the winter time” so I stopped working out. I want to schedule another appointment but I’m afraid I’m going to be wasting my time and money — I don’t have money to waste because I’ve been paying a lot of bills and taking care of him.
.
Today makes three days away from his court date and I still haven’t heard from him, it’s his birthday and I’m panicking really bad. I just kept calling him and calling him, he still hasn’t answered the phone. I’m not fine. I’ve been going to therapy, attending appointments and nothing is working because he’s taking a toll on my heart. I thought I was going to die today because twice I coughed, I coughed really bad and I could feel my throat constrict before I knew it my head went black. When I woke up, my neighbors had me on the back of a stretcher, the stress got to my chest and I was in the hospital. They diagnosed me with anxiety and asthma, gave me another inhaler and told me I was fine.
.
I just left court, they sentenced him to five years. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. I’m trying to type this and breathe but I can’t breathe, the stress of it all is hitting in me in the chest yet AGAIN, the anxiety meds aren’t helping - I can’t feel them kicking in yet and I pumped the inhaler twice, I’m wheezing as I’m stumbling on this keyboard
“I WANT THE TRUTH” She was screaming into my phone, I couldn’t really take it. I mean, I did care about her, but the truth was that I wasn’t really ready to be honest about the scientific fidings of Ocean #1895.
“Look, I know what you saw on the news, I know you want to know about what we learned about Ocean #1895 but I just can’t tell you. I wish I could, but I can’t. The truth is that if I do, especially over the phone, I could lose my life.”
She sighed, “FINE, I’M ON MY WAY OVER.” She hung up.
That’s the hardest part about being friends with people who aren’t scientist but needing space to share scientific findings and receive emotional support over the work. Obviously, a lot of science is confidential and you can’t really tell everyone every single thing, but the amount of emotional support needed is insane. I wanted to confirm what my friend saw on the news but I knew she was going to just lose her mind over it. I know that she wants me to open up, but I really don’t want to lose my life over vital information. That’s what I hate about the media and the government, they leak information but not details. They don’t tell the public that scientists don’t have all of the facts but they start off with information that makes the public go wild and then ‘we’ (as in the people employed in these spaces) get badgered which then leads to all sorts of lab drama.
I had to get out of my thoughts, I was hanging on the couch looking down at the carpet wishing my life was different. You see, when you’re a scientist it’s hard to have friends because you’re always asking ‘why’ and people find you rude. I want normal friends, friends who aren’t trying to chase science with me. This was draining and really stressful.
By the time I had the emotional strength to make a cup of tea there was a knock at my door, it was Kelsey.
“Kels…” I sighed, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Look, I know you can’t tell me everything, just tell me the truth about what’s going on because I want to protect something that has happened.” She folded her arms into her chest and then I allowed her to walk into the house.
“Okay…” I sat back on the couch and proceeded to talk to the floor because what I was about to share was more than enough for any human to describe, “the truth is that we went down to Ocean #1895 aka The Atlantic Ocean. It was in the middle of summer when we started our tour, yes, this pass summer.”
Before I could finish she kicked off her shoes and sat criss cross apple sauce beside, “okay… and?"
“And, we went down in submarines, we all had on our suites, ready for the worst. We were touring, as usual, doing the normal ocean scans, and that’s when we stumbled upon it on accident. We found this two basketball court sized, just like the news reported, creature that had over a thousand tentacles and about 50 eyes on all four sides. The fish were swimming around it and it just glided there. We could see these baby creatures coming from the tentacles and we grew very afraid. It was in that moment that we sped out of the ocean and back towards the lab. We all threw our bodies onto the counters and just eyed each other down, we couldn’t believe what the fuck we saw.”
“Mhm, so do you think that’s how Rainn went missing?”
“I think Rainn went missing that way, yes, because when she went into the water three years ago she went alone. I’m not sure if it’s been calling people into the water and then killing them. We all felt this magnetic call that was beyond our conscious mind. I can’t explain it, it was almost as if we stayed a second longer it was going to eat us alive.”
“FUCK FUCK FUCK, I JUST WANT US TO FIND RAINN.”
“But listen, her name was ‘Rainn,’ who is to say that they didn’t want her for their own experiement, she was a pisces, she loved water, she danced in the rain, she worked in the water, and one day all alone she was drawn down there… and it probably ate her the way it could have us.”
There was silence between us.
So when I moved to Olympia, Washington three years ago I had no idea that my life was going to change. My sister told me to get a dog, within the first year I didn’t listen, but by the second year I was so lonely on this side of the world that I had no choice but to buy one. The dog kept me a little healthier, I was use to drinking in my room and just playing the game. I remember when a deer hit my car when I was headed to work, I drunk even more. My sister always tried to tell me that I shouldn’t drink, but I always told her that our grandfather was my role model, besides, I can attain disability anyway so I didn’t care about my mental health.
To make a long story short, I went through a bad depression. The depression hit year two month seven of being deployed in Washington. I thought I was going to be able to handle being away from my family on the East Coast, but as it turns out that was not the best decision at all. I got really, really homesick and I missed my mom so much. I wasn’t use to not being able to see her on the weekends like I was before, the plane tickets to live over here are through the roof so weekend trips were out. When the depression hit I started to drink so bad that I didn’t care about being to work on time, I just wanted to be with my mom. I found myself in my room crying, “mommy… mommy…” at the big age of 26. You would think that at 26 years old I was emotionally mature enough to handle myself, but I wasn’t. I found myself drinking, drowning in my sorrors and then showing up in a wrinkled uniform in the morning. There were times when my dog would want to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t really in the mood to take him out, but I always found a way to drink it all away.
Then the day came, the day where they placed the notice on my door because I got dishonorably discharged. They placed the notice on my door and then I found myself thinking, “this can’t be real life.” With a dishonorable discharge I wasn’t sure who was going to hire me and I couldn’t help but to feel like my entire life was sliding away. I wasn’t the type to work a normal job because I always had my game. I want a job, but what? My sister always told me to try IT, but IT wasn’t fun. Besides, who wants to be paid to click on boxes all day and just open up browsers? I stared at the notice on my door in disbelief that my life was really sliding down the drain this way. I wanted to get back to the old me, the me that did like being away from home, but that boy on the inside was long gone. I just blinked my eyes. I didn’t want to call my mom to tell her the bad news, I was missing her and I needed her. So what did I do? I called my sister… “Sis, I got a notice on the door.”
“What?”
“I got a notice on the door…” I sighed, “they putting me out.” I blinked my eyes and just thought about what she was going to say, better to break the news to her than my mom.
“Okay, when are you packing your stuff? Do you have savings?”
I just blinked again, “I’m going to pack it today, I’m not paying for this shit, fuck it. I want to come home.”
I could hear my sister’s annoyance on the other side of the phone, “whateverrr, okay, I’ll send for you. What about the furniture?”
“I don’t have money to move it, I’m just going to sell it. Don’t send for me, I want my car, I’m going to drive home.”
My sister sighed, “you said that before… so mommy doesn’t know?”
“Hell nah mommy don’t know, but I’ll be to you, just send me enough money to get to you.”
It didn’t take long for my sister to send me $500 to start the trip, that’s why I love her so much, she’s always in my corner. When I got off the phone I looked at the dog and the dog looked at me, “it’s time buddy…” and we got ready to get in the car.
I shouldn’t have ever popped up at his house, I really thought that I was in love with him and I wanted him to get better. I knew he told me the story about taking pills but I didn’t think that it would lead me here. Just yesterday, I had a premonition that things were going to go south. I thought about what it would be like to pop up at his house and my daydream told me that I would end up a dead body. Now, today, I woke up in the backseat of some man’s car. I remember a few months ago when I thought about him wanting to be around me to sell me, well, today, I think about him actually selling me.
The truth is that love isn’t enough to sacrifice safety for. When I was writing in my journal last night I asked myself, “does love make me chase him all over the world?” Meaning, if he is on the run, should I always pop up to where he is? Today, I have learned my lesson… if someone wants to run away allow them, don’t chase them down because then you’ll end up in the back seat of the car just like me.
I think the day is November, I’m not sure. The last time I remember checking my phone it was November 13th and the day was sunny. I had the brilliant idea of skipping work to pop up at his house at 10 AM. It’s Virginia, it’s cold. I thought that if I pop up to his house early in the morning then I could see exactly what he’s been up to because afterall, he hasn’t been answering me. For all I know, he could be luring me to him by ignoring me. Well, today, I don’t know what the day is or the hour, I am having so many regrets about how the morning unfolded. I’m wishing that I never would have left the house and that I minded my business. That fucking premonition, it is really eating me up because I literally said to myself, “if I pop up at his house I’m going to end up a dead body,” and now here the fuck I am. I hate this so much.
My thoughts are racing, I’m sweating and looking around panting, there’s no screams to be made because I don’t even know where I am. From what I can see I’m being held, duck tape to the mouth, body to the back seat, and feet tied by rope, in the back seat of som old Cadillac in the middle of an abandoned parking lot. I’m looking around. I’m looking all the way around and I don’t see a soul. I don’t see a building, nothing, just miles and miles of concrete. I don’t know if I’m in Richmond, Virginia or Henrico or neither. I feel so out of place, my eyes are praying that somebody can come by… I want to scream HELP so bad, but for what? I don’t know if he got out the car, I don’t know if he left me behind, I don’t know what he did, but I feel like I’m a fresh catch that’s about to be baited.
It would have been on Tuesday that he left my house and told me he was alright, “I’m okay Buttercup, good night.” I felt loved, I had his t-shirt in my hamper and I couldn’t wait for him to be with me again, as usual.
Tonight, it’s Saturday, I still haven’t heard from him and my message ‘what’s up’ didn’t deliver to him either. I’ve been waiting for him to text to call or to tell me he’s on the way back over but I haven’t heard anything.
My phone started to ring at 1:05 AM, he always call me in the middle of the night so I didn’t think anything of it.
“Hi Baby!” I’m always so happy to hear from him, “what you doing? You need me?"
He was breathing on the other end of the line, I rolled my eyes — I knew he was drunk. Before I was about to say anything, anxiously he said, “Come get me."
I shook my head, another night of a random adventure, “Babe, I’ve been waiting on your call… where are you?"
“The hotel you came to, I need you, please.”
Him saying ‘I need you’ wasn’t quite like him. I’ve been with the man for five years, his pride will never admit to needing a woman, even if he does need a woman. I was a little thrown off by the line.
“Are you sure?” I cocked my head to the side, I know him better than I know myself.
“I SAID I FUCKING NEED YOU.” He was growling into the phone.
My stomach dropped, it wasn’t the call I was waiting for…
When I woke up, first thing in the morning, I was in a room where I was being held by a king sized bed that was dressed in all white covers. I was wearing a silky, silver gown and my nails and toe nails were done, freshly. My hair was long, by my side as if I had magically grown it in my sleep and I could feel a breath of fresh air coming into my window.
I stretched, taking in the breeze. It was too beautiful to be true, the air was gentle upon my skin and I wanted more. I slid out of the bed and walked to the window, what I saw next took me by surprise. I looked out of the window and down to find myself somewhere in the middle of the sky. I couldn’t believe where I was, I could barely see Earth. I knew I was high up because the view looked something like a movie and I could relate it to times I had spent in an airplane.
I couldn’t believe where I was and it was in that moment that the adventure began.
I walked away from the window, with my heart racing, and then tried to find a door. When I searched for the door I found it, as it was huge and large with gold knobs. I turned the knob and the door swung open, halfway on its own. In the hallway, I could see nothing but golden walls and I could hear a dinner happening somewhere not too far from where I was.
I wanted to make it to the dinner, I could hear the chattering and then laughter but I wasn’t sure how to get there. My feet were bare, I wanted to put on shoes, but there were none. As I looked down the hallway, to my left and to my right, I could tell the floors were going to be cold; and, not even a sock was in sight. I moved from the door and into the hallway where a long, white rug slid down towards the main room.
As I began to make it towards the main room, where I believed people were waiting for me, I found myself wondering why I didn’t smell any food. When I realized that I imagined a dinner but there was no smell of food I grew annoyed, immediately. I guess my expectations were too high, but I wanted to be around people who were going to feed more and keep me well. My body was rested, but I felt my stomach eating my back and from there I could tell that I hadn’t eaten in while.
How did I end up in the sky? Why was I hearing people, not seeing them or smelling food? Where were my clothes? What was happening to me? All of these questions began to make me ponder my existence and what I was doing. I needed someone to be there but it seemed as if no-one was around, despite the chattering in the background.
But, I didn’t give up, I pressed on. When I made it to the main room, there were endless book cases and in the corner I finally found a species that looked to be people but who felt majestic. the people. There was a group of 15 people who were in the corner with their books cackling like hyenas. They had cups of tea and coffee, sitting around a table while laughing about what they had just read. No, there wasn’t any food in sight, but when I sat down at the table they greeted me. Up close, I could tell they were from some foreign land because they had large wings coming out of their backs which were tucked, one, who seemed to be a compassionate leader said to me, “Welcome, to the Sky Fortress ran by The Angels of Knowledge Descent, we are here to bless you with more knowledge in order for you to soar higher.”
It started when I was younger, I believed that I had a fishbowl but then as it turned out, I really was an aquarium owner. It made sense as I got older because my parents had fish bowls all over the house. This fish, I was in love with. I named him Guppy. He was huge! I was in love with Guppy. Guppy was the type of fish that made me want to take an adventure.
The old bookstore had always been my escape, but today it felt different, almost magical because I found a golden door. The door was heavy and it was bolted against the back wall near a long line of bookshelves. The golden door was to faraway land and I knew it. I could feel it through my veins, my intuition was telling me that I could go far away.
“I did it with Kyre last night…” Jasmine’s voice was cracking a little bit on the phone, tears were rolling down her eyes, “he didn’t wear a rubber, I don’t know if I’m going to get my period.”
April was on the other end of the receiver, her voice was cracking too, “I don’t know if we can buy a Plan B but I can get one of my cousins to get it for you. Don’t feel bad Jasmine, you okay?”
April went from high end accomplice on a crime to innocent, protective angel real quick. She wasn’t sure about what type of trouble they were about to get in or what was going to come from Jasmine’s actions.
“No, I should be fine. Let’s not worry about it, you got some weed?” Jasmine started laughing as she wiped the tears away from her eyes, she was experiencing all kind of emotions from shame, to sorrow, to pure bliss - it was a lot to take in all at once.
“YOU KNOW I GOT YOU.” April was too enthusiastic on the other end of the phone, “You want to link right now?”
The moon was hanging high and tight in the sky, Jasmine was sitting on the floor of bedroom staring out of her window just thinking, “Why the fuck not hoe?”
April was laughing to herself, “let’s go.”
“BABY MAMA,” Kyre was walking through the brambles of the woods with his arms out ready to give Jasmine a hug, “I MISS YOU ALREADY GIRL, YOU GOT MY HEAD FUCKED.”
Jasmine started laughing, April was sitting on a log lighting a blunt, “I didn’t tell you he was coming because I didn’t want you to stay in the house, but he did match me.”
Jasmine started to laugh to herself, “April, you didn’t have to.”
“I did though, I wanted you to see him - I know you love the fuck out of him girl, get high and give him a kiss, that’s your man.” April was instigating, she was trying to see something nasty happen to be honest.
Jasmine wasn’t in the mood to display public affection so she took the blunt from April and started to chief it, she passed it back to April and then looked at Kyre in the eyes, “Where’s Carl? We can’t be the only ones in love.”
“Carl is handling something,” Kyre looked down at the ground beneath them and began to think to himself, “I’ll let him know his good friend April need some attention,” then Kyre patted April on the back before they took the time to laugh at their inside joke.
“Thank you Kyre, and you’re going to treat my good friend Jasmine here well, right?” April was laughing looking at Kyre, but she had a hint of seriousness inside of her.
“You know it, I’m not about to let her down, I care about her.” Kyre was smiling back with wide eyes, “let’s not ruin this high.”
The first day in Jasmine’s new favorite gym class couldn’t come fast enough. Jasmine was more than enthusiastic to meet with Kyre and couldn’t wait to show off her new boyfriend. She changed into her gym clothes and then as directed, she lined up on the wall with the other half of her class for a good game of dodgeball. Jasmine had just ate the spaghetti and meatballs, she knew it was still sitting on her stomach so she tried her hardest not to run too much. The other kids were excited, Kyre was playing on the opposing team and he had Carl with him, they were tossing balls to the other side of the gym with ease. Most of the females were feeling a sense of annoyance with how aggressive they were chucking the balls, but Jasmine didn’t mind.
One of the boys from Jasmine’s previous class with Riana was in there with her, his name was CJ. Jasmine didn’t care for him because he was a star football player that felt he could get anything he wanted just because he was cute. CJ was a jokester, he didn’t mind her attitude towards him and for whatever reason this dodgeball session was the perfect place to have a heated discussion, “AYE, I HEARD JASMINE FACE WAS IN KYRE BOXERS, IS IT TRUE?” CJ yelled to the entire class.
The other kids started laughing, Kyre was feeling a sense of shame, “STOP, WHY YOU BRINGING THAT UP IN HERE?” Kyre was ready to peg him with the ball on purpose but CJ was too fast, his football abilities kept him too agile for the average male.
“FACE IN THE BOXERRRRRS,” CJ was teasing Kyre as Jasmine fell out of the game completely. Jasmine was feeling a sense of shame, she threw her body up against a wall and began to tear up. She was trying hard not to cry when one of the girls walked up to her.
“You can’t sit here,” the girl whispered, “you can’t fail for class today, just walk around, don’t let CJ get to you.” The girl was hissing under breath, but she was right. Jasmine slowly started to stand up, knowing she was being rescued, and looked Kyre in the eyes.
“WHY YOU TELL OUR BUSINESS?” Jasmine blurted out among everyone, Kyre dropped the ball and then began to walk towards her. CJ was laughing hysterically hard to himself in the corner, not paying Jasmine any attention. CJ found the entire scene to be hilarious. “FACE IN THE BOXERRRRRS,” CJ was still dying laughing to himself as he kept saying the line out loud, Kyre was growing angrier and angrier but his primary attention was on Jasmine, trying to get her to relax.
Carl stopped playing as well to approach CJ, “Who you talking about?” Carl stood in CJ’s face, CJ looked at Carl eye to eye before the gym teacher walked over to spit the boys up.
Jasmine sat on the wall crying in Kyre’s arms trying to pull herself together, “you bragging on me” she was wailing into his chest, “why would you brag on me like that, it’s nobody’s business. I trusted you. You fucking FAKE. I HATE FAKE PEOPLE.” Jasmine began to scream.
Kyre leaned in close to Jasmine trying to caress her, the gym teacher ran towards him as well, “Leave her alone, Jasmine dismiss yourself to the bathroom now.” Miss. Jen was a lean white woman played soccer for 15 years straight, she was wearing her infamous green and white striped Nike jumpsuit, the whistle she always blew almost hit Kyre in the face so the backed up off of him to give some space.
Jasmine threw herself out of auditorium’s door and ran down the hall to the bathroom. She closed the stall door behind her tightly as she sat on the toilet grieving, she couldn’t believe the person she was supposed to love ruined her life so bad. Jasmine felt as if her reputation was trashed and so many females were going to be talking about her. Inside of the stall, Jasmine continued to cry, she left her phone inside of her gym locker so she couldn’t even pull it out to text April to update her on what was happening.
As Jasmine sat on the toilet she realized it was nothing more than the first few weeks, as a freshman, at Jamerson High School, she wasn’t quite sure what else was in stock for her but she did know that she had a lot of growing up to do. As she sat on the stall crying, she couldn’t do anything but reflect on how many moments in her life made her feel depression this deep and she wasn’t even halfway through the school year. Jasmine began to realize she was going to have to change more than what she thought in order to survive, those choices she was going to make were going to take some real practicing, but she knew she could do it.
It was in that moment Jasmine realized April was going to be more than a friend, but also an accountability partner for her. Jasmine was ready to start working towards being the opposite of her mother and she was prepared to fight hard to not become a product of her environment.
To read the entire story visit: https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B6KFW2JW
