Waking Up In The Swamp

Action & adventure

04:44am - Friday morning

Irony (character name ]awoke suddenly before 5am, as usual, to the usual combination. Ie a plethora of unwanted thoughts, rapid heart rate, spasms, pains, floppy limbs, a pounding headache, weakness, discomfort, anger, desire to have not woken at all, fatigue and the pressure to force a smile of gratitude to God etc …

However this time it was much worse…

This wasn’t her supportive, ergonomic, comfortable, soft, memory foam single mattress (underneath layers of luxury bedding) that she found herself lying on (in her old woman pyjamas) but instead she was lying in…some kind of a swamp?

She suddenly tried to get up but her legs were stuck! She tried to scream but no sound came out of her little mouth! She even thought about texting for emergency help but realised she has no phone!

‘’Where am I? Why am I here? Who or what else is here? How do I get away? Could this be a nightmare? Am I dead and in a stage of hell? Where are my family and friends?’’

These were just some of the many appropriate questions circulating her troubled mind!

She didn’t have any idea whatsoever about what was the right thing to do next …

Comments 3

Tom N

3 years ago

Thanks for sharing your first piece! This is always an interesting prompt to write for.

I thought you did well to capture some of the confusion you’d have waking up randomly in a swamp. But there are a few little pointers I could mention about where it felt a little off for me.

First of all, you used a lot of brackets to provide extra information which really broke up the pace of the piece. Even right at the start, with the first proper line of the piece, you put “character name” in brackets. In this case, as it’s a short story, perhaps using something more common and less ambiguous as the name would have been better so you didn’t have to add the brackets. There were a few more occasions you things in brackets that really didn’t add to the piece I.e. the pyjamas she wears and the type of bed she usually sleeps on.

You also mentioned that she usually has a whole plethora of weird feelings when she wakes up (rapid heart rate, spasms etc) but didn’t go into any more detail about this. Why would these things be normal?

I’m not sure her thought process really makes sense either. Why would she consider that she’s in hell?

Rather than lose yourself too much in explaining her situation, perhaps you could have spent a bit more time describing exactly what was happening and what she was experiencing. How did the ground feel? What could she see and smell?

Keep writing! It’s a good start and I look forward to seeing more of your writing

Waking Up In The Swamp

The Slow Champ