fever dream

sick in the middle of my bed fever low and yet i was sweating it was 3am and i thought of you for years i thought of you i was going to call you to bring me soup let me smell you near me let me feel your touch soothe away the heat and cold remove my blankets and just hold me in your curative arms run your hands down my back lay in my sick and stay in those years i thought of you i thought of kids with our names a family pet and more sick days spent being nursed back by you sick in the middle of my bed i woke up to discover you weren’t there i just thought we had spent the years together my fever broke and i still needed you here

Comments 4

Tom N

3 years ago

This is a nice piece, Amy! I’d definitely consider using capital letters and grammar so it’s easy to read. I understand it might be a stylistic choice, though.

I like the concept of what you’re describing - when you’re sick or when things get tough, it’s a time we dream of those who can look after us.

I was a little confused about the timeframe. You said “for years I thought of you” - that reads like either: a) you were sick for years and thought of that person the whole time or b) this is recalling being sick in the distant past and for years after you continued to think of this person. If you want it to be in the present you might want to try saying “for years I’ve thought of you”

I think you could have used stronger imagery, too. “Let me smell you near me” could be changed into a description of what that smell is like. “Let me feel your touch” could also elaborate on what that touch feels like.

Poetry is a fantastic medium for finding unique ways to describe experiences, so perhaps challenge yourself to go beyond simple lines like those above into more unique descriptions :)

Otherwise, this was a good first piece. Well done, Amy!

willowread

3 years ago

It felt a little disconnected at parts, but over all was not bad

amy

i am 24 and i have been writing poetry since i was a teenager