POEM STARTER
Submitted by Cheyenne King
Describe a moment in life which seems to last forever.
You could write this as a poem or story, or as a descriptive paragraph.
fever dream
sick in the middle of my bed
fever low and yet i was sweating
it was 3am and i thought of you
for years i thought of you
i was going to call you to bring me soup
let me smell you near me
let me feel your touch
soothe away the heat and cold
remove my blankets and just hold me
in your curative arms
run your hands down my back
lay in my sick and stay
in those years i thought of you
i thought of kids with our names
a family pet and more sick days spent
being nursed back by you
sick in the middle of my bed
i woke up to discover you weren’t there
i just thought we had spent the years together
my fever broke and i still needed you here
This is a nice piece, Amy! I’d definitely consider using capital letters and grammar so it’s easy to read. I understand it might be a stylistic choice, though.
I like the concept of what you’re describing - when you’re sick or when things get tough, it’s a time we dream of those who can look after us.
I was a little confused about the timeframe. You said “for years I thought of you” - that reads like either: a) you were sick for years and thought of that person the whole time or b) this is recalling being sick in the distant past and for years after you continued to think of this person. If you want it to be in the present you might want to try saying “for years I’ve thought of you”
I think you could have used stronger imagery, too. “Let me smell you near me” could be changed into a description of what that smell is like. “Let me feel your touch” could also elaborate on what that touch feels like.
Poetry is a fantastic medium for finding unique ways to describe experiences, so perhaps challenge yourself to go beyond simple lines like those above into more unique descriptions :)
Otherwise, this was a good first piece. Well done, Amy!
thank you for the feedback! i actually meant that the person was so sick it felt like years when in reality it wasnt, it’s very vague over all so i understand how that didn’t come through, thank you again, i will think about this during my editing! :)
It felt a little disconnected at parts, but over all was not bad
thank you for the feedback! :)
