“if i knew you didn’t love me, i wouldn’t have done what i did”
god, it took my words and breath i could hear you say, you didn’t want it to hurt but it was too late, i had taken critical blows we were supposed to be simple and now it’s so much more
i cried in the arms of my best friend that night begging past me to just leave you alone i didn’t know you would grow to love me so fast i thought we had a little time
but then there i was covered in you the word’s slipped out without pause and i froze in place icy water waking me up
i don’t love you and i didn’t know when i would now i don’t even know if i can because i apologized and you changed there is only so much sorry i can take
it’s not your fault, and it’s not mine either i think it’s beautiful you felt so safe to say that you fell in love with me in 3 days it’s not your feelings that scared me
it’s mine, in that moment i felt too attached too responsible for a baby i didn’t want to have yet my family makes the marriage jokes and i fill with panic at the thought of forever with you
i’m sorry baby, i think i just wanted something so casual and brief
i don’t know, maybe i just wanted sex with a friend maybe i wanted to hold and be held but i like you so much, it makes thinking about this twice as hard
i love making you laugh, and hearing you speak i like spending time with you no matter what we’re doing i like that my friends like you and yours like me you are almost everything i wanted except one thing
baby, you just aren’t ready for me
my affection won’t make you love yourself more if i could heal you of your pain, i would i took my time and i healed best i could so when i finally came to you i could be confident and good
you are so good but you are mean you hate yourself with a violence and i can’t stop you no matter what i say you will continue despite how much care others or i give
still i’m afraid i’ll hurt you more this way still i know the choice i make will be for us both still i know whatever it is will suck i should have just left you alone
you deserve piles and piles of love you deserve to feel wanted and know that you are you won’t be too much for the one who will fall for you
that just won’t be me i’m sorry baby for stealing your kisses and heart and heat if i could give it back, it’d be yours already i don’t regret our time i regret your pain i’m sorry i couldn’t love you like you want
sick in the middle of my bed fever low and yet i was sweating it was 3am and i thought of you for years i thought of you
i was going to call you to bring me soup let me smell you near me let me feel your touch soothe away the heat and cold
remove my blankets and just hold me in your curative arms run your hands down my back lay in my sick and stay
in those years i thought of you i thought of kids with our names a family pet and more sick days spent being nursed back by you
sick in the middle of my bed i woke up to discover you weren’t there i just thought we had spent the years together my fever broke and i still needed you here
it never came when i wanted ran by it’s own schedule the one time i called it it pat me on the shoulder like i was nothing but a kid
“it’s not your time yet” it said
voice distorted and yet i understood i would have to wait until it wanted to get me and so i did, although rather impatiently i tried to recreate my call to get it back here i think it heard but chose to ignore
it left me waiting, wanting me in agony i thought it hates me because it never came no matter how loud i screamed, how broken i cried i wanted it to save me from my life
it said it’s not my time but don’t i get to be the one that chooses? if i want to go now isn’t that my fate? to die and live if i want to and how?
it never called me back until years and years had passed when i was older, less bitter and wise
it laughed when i glared at it standing over me in my bed my children’s children in the other room my spouse sleeping soundly to my left
“it’s time” it said and i cried for all the right reasons it knew what it did when it left me all those years ago
it was giving me a chance to live
“just a little longer?” i asked, tears hot on my face it smiled soft and sweet, like it wanted to say yes
“it’s time, i’m sorry” it said and i thought of my life as i moved my blanket and put on my slippers i thought of buying my first house filling it with beautiful things like my spouse and children and my grandkids of pets and paintings pictures of my family smiling furniture passed on from generations before i thought of my life
of being young, not wanting a life to mourn i put on my robe and followed it out silence between us giving me strength i said
“thank you for not taking me before my time”
and it smiled and held out it’s arm, as it escorted me away from my life
“where will you go” he asked
“i’m not sure, i’ll figure it out”
“just stay here”
“you know i can’t”
“i love you”
“i know but you lie”
“i won’t anymore, i promise”
she sighed “you promised yesterday and last week and last year, your word is nothing with the amount of times you’ve ran it into the ground, i’m leaving for me and when i stayed? that was just for you. i’m not waiting for you to hurt me like yesterday and last week and last year.”
he looked at her “i love you”
“i know, but you aren’t enough”
“what do i have to do to change?”
“that can only be answered by you”
“i’m lost without you”
“you’ll come out the other side”
“I LOVE YOU”
“AND I KNOW, but it’s tainted”
“so you’re saying i ruined it”
“yes”
he scoffs “i followed my last option to the end, this isn’t just on me. you stopped loving me, kissing me, laughing with me. i saw you while you existed around everyone else. you came to life. i know you blame me for your mundanity but it can’t just be me. i would have walked into the sun to give you anything. if i ruined us, you ruined me”
she whispered “i’m leaving”
he said “i know”
“i love you”
he closed his eyes “no you don’t”
in their own way, each uniquely divine the sun first caught my eye bright eyes flaming with every grin she burned me in way i couldn’t resist with her warmth and embrace seared into my soul i fell in love like never before i thought i could tame her how ridiculous it seems now the idea of a mortal ever capturing her heart she loved me in her own way a ways away from my mundanity she broke my heart like she loved me
the stars came next their twinkle made my heart pound they were strong and clear on cloudless nights whispering secrets to me like a game i fell harder than before they broke my heart worse distance my greatest enemy i could never touch them they laughed like i was silly and cooed but i could see they loved me the only way they could granting my wishes every time they fell they broke me like they loved me
last came the moon his silvery glow became my flashlight i thought i would never love again and there he was every night shining full and bright he was soft and solemn listening to my hurt and carrying it for me he loved me first and that surprised me always attentive and gentle he took care of me when i couldn’t i grew to love him when i knew i shouldn’t have he mended me only to shatter me worse leaving me broken beyond repair i know he loved me and i wanted to believe it would be forever but just like the sun and stars the moon also must go eventually he loved me so deeply i felt like his only tide i broke my own heart by forgetting i was only a human i can never be so divine
we sit still, the dust creating halos around our heads
sometimes i turn just to look at your nose
just to remember if my mind changed what it looked like
the sun makes your hair look so vibrant, i think
you’re more beautiful than i remember
i look away, insecure and nervous about the lack of charge in the air
it’s too comfortable, too soft but that is also you
you were never afraid of not speaking
never feeling like you had to fill space to be loved and i loved just that
just us, uniting breath, sitting whispers away and troves of conversation without words
i look at you again, eyes closed as you absorb the earth
were you always so blinding, i wonder
your eyes open, you look back at me and smile
not a word slips past your pink lips and i know
you were always so blinding, beautiful, angelic, comfortable, soft, sweet
i close my eyes, peace at last
love is the lie that keeps us alive love says “you are my everything” love drives you to the airport 5 in the morning, droopy with sleep love helps you with your luggage and gives you a kiss before watching you leave love says “i understand you so well” love supports your career makes you lunch the night before work love adds a note with a heart and that extra snack you love love says “i’ll never leave, i can’t” then forgets how to love you distant eyes see past where you stand love can’t remember how you look when love loved you more than life love is the lie you believe when love says “you and me till the end”
to survive is to sleep, wake and eat to eat at least twice each day to sleep for hours on end to survive is to take no risks protect the body and mind survival makes viciousness gentle it’s all you can do to see another day
but to live
to live is to sing, dance and scream to eat when you want something good to sleep when you want to dream to live is to take risks everyday from saying hello to a beautiful stranger to reading a book you’ve never read living makes humanity graspable it’s all you can do to leave without regrets
no matter which you choose the moon will still pull the tides stars will continue to implode and die and you, you get a choice to live or to survive because either way dawn still rises, slowly, stubbornly
it was supposed to be me
i did everything right until i couldn’t
when my older brother couldn’t
i went to college, graduated with my degree
when my younger sister couldn’t
i lived without fear, became a leader
when my younger brother couldn’t
i expanded my view, studied gender, politics, art and anything i could get my hands on
it was supposed to be me
the shining jewel of my immigrant family, the one who did all my parents ever wanted
i was gearing to be the favorite child but
i didn’t know the crown could be so heavy
things i loved became trouble and i lost my will
the will to keep going and learning and become something worldly
it was supposed to be me
i’m supposed to be the one who did it all
now i’m back to square one and i can’t even shower
brush my teeth, sometimes eat
i was supposed to be the favorite child
but all i ever did was fall back to infancy
she sits in a dark room waiting for her chance to play i locked her up because it hurt too much to watch her hope and dream all day
she calls my name softly like she knows me so well i shut her out because she does and i can’t stand that fact
one day i’ll come back to her play and jump and sing with her i swear i will be able to take care of us like others couldn’t, didn’t when we were young
she’ll wait for me forever if she has to i pray she won’t have to do that she deserves more than anyone could give i wish the me now could nurture us like she needs
