I had stopped for some reason. I don’t know why. Maybe I had just gone too numb at this point. The blood was on my floor, yet I didn’t feel upset. It was almost like I was meant to relapse. It was almost like this was supposed to happen.

I was lying to myself. Over and over again.

Someone knocked softly on the door. I blinked slowly, looking up, as though I had my door open. I blinked again, trying to will myself to say something, or do something, but instead I just stayed where I was.

“Cas?”

It was the voice of my little brother, full of worry. I tried to work words into my throat, but instead they clogged and got stuck there in a lump. I swallowed, hard.

Three more loud, thundering knocks. “Cas!”

I should say something so he’ll go away. But I don’t. I blink again. I was waiting for my feelings to come back. I wasn’t sure that they ever would. It was almost like my entire world had ended the second he left me. There was nothing left to keep me away from the edge anymore.

At some point I had tugged my sleeves down over my wrists again, because I was now watching the blood slowly bleed through. It was almost fascinating. Almost.

I didn’t even flinch when I heard the key jingle in the lock, or when the door flew open to reveal all ten of my brothers. I blinked, slowly looking up.

Blake was in the front, the keys hanging limply in his hands. His eyes were searching every part of me before they landed on the floor, the blood visible from where I was sitting. He didn’t freak out, instead he ordered for everyone to leave immediately.

I stared as they began to fight, still not feeling anything. In the end, Blake was the only one left. He took a cautious step in the bathroom, his eyes finding the razor. I just watched as he came closer. I didn’t move, I didn’t speak, it was like I was frozen in time.

“Cas,” Blake said softly, slowly getting down to my level. “What’re you doing, sweetheart?”

What was I doing? I wasn’t doing anything. I haven’t been doing anything. I’ve just been here, waiting for me to stop existing, because my world ended, right? So, why am I still here?

Why AM I still here?

My fingers curled into my palms, my nails digging into my hand. Blake kept his eyes on me as he slowly reached over, peeling my fingers away as he kept eye contact with me. He held my hands tightly, almost as if he was afraid to lose me.

I blinked. Something wet fell down my cheek. Blake freed one of my hands so he could wipe it away.

Cradling my cheek in his hand, he whispered “You just lost your whole world, didn’t you?”

And just like that, my feelings came in a whirlwind of color and emotions. They slammed into me like a freight train, jerking me out of my frozen state. I gave a small gasp, pulling away from Blake, but he held me where I was. The tears came then as I felt my heart rip apart for the second time today. I was sobbing, almost choking, and gasping for air. Blake placed my head in the crook of his neck as he pulled me into his embrace, rubbing my back soothingly.

“It’s okay honey,” he whispered as I fell apart. “You’re going to be okay. I promise.”