“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” I say clutching my heart and soul, that are etched onto notebook paper, snug to my chest.

“I would never laugh at you my love, let me see what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours” My boyfriend pulls me closer to him in a soft, comforting embrace.

We are currently sitting on a merry-go-round at a park, at 2am. We drunkingly stumbled our way here from our house that’s only five blocks away. We like to come here and watch the stars and just talk about any and everything. We’ve had this tradition since the first night we met five years ago. Even after all this time, I still get nervous around him. He has always stuck by me no matter what, he has never judged me for anything, and he embraces my flaws.

I’m afraid of how he’ll feel after he reads what my soul aches for. I don’t wanna ruin the blissful bubble we have with us. It’s inevitable after tonight.

It’s dark and chilly, it’s the peak of fall so its a crisp cold where you can see you’re breath but warm enough to be comfortable in a hoodie and leggings. I sigh as the autumn air breezes through my long, wavy hair. I love autumn nights, it’s a different kind of feeling. It’s breathtaking with all the intricate colors on the changing fallen leaves. The night sky casting a soft glow around and throughout the park.

After fidgeting with my fingers and pulling on my hoodie strings. I get the courage to finally say something “ I don’t wanna ruin us, I love us, and I love you, but I’m scared of what will happen if you read these pages” I say looking down at the bolts that are peaking out from the neon blue metal on the merry-go-round. I can’t look at him, I know it’ll break his heart. It’ll break my heart. I squeeze the notebook with a white knuckled grip.

“Please, let me see, there’s nothing you could say or do that will make me stop loving you, even if i wanted to, i would never stop loving and caring for you, I promise” he says while turning me to look at him, when he’s done speaking he places a gentle kiss on my forehead and nudges towards the notebook that had fallen to my lap when he kissed me.

He has that effect on me, no matter what is going on in the universe, he holds me and kisses me and i just melt away and all my worries and troubles get on the first train outta town. That’s all gonna change once he reads the first page.

I give him a lingering, passionate kiss before reluctantly handing over my notebook that contains all my inner demons, dreams, desires, fantasies, and confessions. Gently, he takes it from my hands and gives me one more kiss on the forehead before opening to the first page.

I turn around on his lap because i don’t wanna see his face when he reads what I’ve written. I feel him relax his arms onto my legs as he holds the notebook in front of both of us.

I take the deepest breath I’ve ever taken, close my eyes, then exhale and open my eyes to start reading the piece of work that will tear our lives apart.

_My Garden _

__

_My Garden is home to many beautiful flowers _

_And one special Oak Tree_

_The Oak tree, although only planted five years ago _

_Has become the focal point of my garden _

_Strong, resilient, brave, loyal, loving _

_I love my oak tree_

_Before the oak tree i had a few other trees _

_They just never thrived in my garden _

_That’s okay, i just didn’t have the right tools to tend to them _

_In between tree’s i tend special care to my flowers _

_All different kinds of stunning flowers;_

_Roses, Tulips, Hibiscus, Lilies, Lavendar _

_The list goes on _

_These flowers are strong, beautiful, sweet, caring, nurturing, thoughtful _

_All the things a gardener wants in an everlasting garden _

_She has the most fun tending to her flowers, _

_She yearns to explore more with flowers and all their delicate parts that mirror her own _

_She loves the oak tree, she doesn’t want anything bad to happen or to have it leave her life _

_But the tree, can never be a flower_

_And she can never have her own tiny garden helpers if she doesn’t have a tree in her garden_

_I love my oak tree, he is perfect and my absolute bestfriend _

_I also love my flowers, they’re as breath taking and captavating as woman _

_I can’t have both_

_But i can’t live without either of them _

__

__

__

There’s a long pause after he reads the final lines. It feels like eons pass before he clears his throat.

He sits there, frozen as an ice cap. After a few moments he gently guides me off of his lap so he can stand up.

He starts walking away from me to the other side of the playground. I’m too stunned to speak, i don’t know what to say to him, I barely know what to make of that myself. I never want to hurt him, but its too late for that.