Hi... ladies and gentlemen. My name is Henry Cummings. And I’m Danny’s, the groom’s best friend and best man. Although if you count the time we experimented in college together, then I’m also his ex-lover... And I wish I didn’t say that... Anyways, I met Danny and Lori in college. Even back then I saw a spark between those two that I kinda envied. Lori was beautiful — much as she looks now. And to find the love of your life at such a young age is nothing short of a miracle. I was jealous of the two of them, ok? So jealous that I slept with Danny to try and break up their relationship... And I wish I hadn’t said that... As I was saying, they were in love at first sight and that’s a beautiful thing... As beautiful as Lori’s round breast and plump butt. Does Danny deserve a woman like that? Huh? I mean, I slept with him on her birthday... And she knew, by the way, and she forgave him almost immediately. How’s that fair?! And he has a hairy back. I mean, really gross. The hair’s as bushy as the hair on the top of his head and it travels from his neck to his butt crack... And his breath — he loves garlic on everything... No, wait! Don’t push me! Let me tell you about his feet... Wait, wait!