We all have flaws. So why am I always the one in trouble with mine?
People should be on their hands and knees thanking me for what I do. I kill bad men. If the innocent accidentally die in my quest to cleanse the world of scum, well, no one’s perfect.
That’s why Maxwell Turner, the famous NYPD detective is on my trail. I suppose I have too many innocent bystanders deaths on my hands.
Some would even argue that the bad men desired to live. To those ignorant people, I would say you wouldn’t say that if your loved ones were hurt by one of them. Like Jack Upton, who was selling poisonous drugs to kids. And one of those kids, Alicia King overdosed and died. He got what he deserved by my hand and I know the King family is at peace with his death.
And another thing, I’m no cruel murderer. My method of killing is to use Karin blowfly pesticide mixed with bleach. This produces a gas that quickly and painlessly puts the target to sleep and then death.
So, is my system perfect — no. But it’s better than what police can do.
I wish I owned an Unicorn. Not just because of their sparkling beauty, but because I want to get high. As high as the atmosphere, baby, reach the moon and kiss it’s silvery dust.
You see, unicorns’s horns can be used as an euphoric drug if you lick it like an ice cream cone. The unicorn doesn’t like it. It even might stab you to death with it’s horn if you try. But, as I have licked a horn before, it’s worth a go.
That’s why I’m in Mexico right now. I plan on running with the unicorns. It’s a festival where about a hundred people sprint for their lives to get away from about eight angry, impaling, full-grown unicorns.
I bet if I wrestle one of them down, like I saw that guy do on YouTube, I’d be able pop off it’s horn. God, I’m desperate enough to try.
I hear the church bells ring. It’s almost time. I’d better get down to the street where everyone will be running before all the good spaces are taken.
Danny Gray was a god; a gorgeous and generous hunk of a man that could charm any female who saw him. And just when you’d think he couldn’t be anymore perfect, he showed a side of himself that just slayed my heart — his bravery.
It was a snowy day in the middle of Fall. Danny was driving us to Meadows Fields, ND as we often carpooled to our place of employment.
We were stopped at a traffic light in a rough patch of downtown when a man in a ski mask yanked open Danny’s driver side door. The man said, “Raise up, fool! This is a carjacking.” And he pointed a gun at Danny’s face.
I was screaming. Danny nonchalantly said, “Everyone, calm down.” with his hands up, leveled with his face.
Maybe it was the way he said it, but I did stop screaming even though I was still terrified.
The man with the gun wasn’t calm. I saw his hands trembling so much that he barely held his gun straight. And that gun was still inches away from Danny’s face.
The man said, “Get — get out of the car.”
To this, Danny said, “No.”
I saw the man’s finger adjust tighter around the trigger. Danny would have to had seen that, but he didn’t move.
“Get out!” the man said more forcefully.
“No,” Danny said indignantly. “Choose someone else, man, because me and Clara here, we’re not moving. This is my car and it took me five years to pay it off. I don’t own much but I do own this car.”
With Danny’s hands still raised and me looking stupefied and the man looking amazed, Danny yelled up into the air with eyes pressed closed, “THIS CAR IS MINE!”
After what seemed like a lifetime, the man with the gun backed away and said, “Forget this.” He slammed the door and ran away.
“I’m sorry about that, Clara,” said Danny softly, putting down his hands. People must have been watching what was happening because they started to surround the car asking if we were alright. “I could tell that that punk wasn’t into it. He was just making a mistake... I knew—“
I kissed Danny. I wrapped my arms around him and refused to let him go. It was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.
Hi... ladies and gentlemen. My name is Henry Cummings. And I’m Danny’s, the groom’s best friend and best man. Although if you count the time we experimented in college together, then I’m also his ex-lover... And I wish I didn’t say that... Anyways, I met Danny and Lori in college. Even back then I saw a spark between those two that I kinda envied. Lori was beautiful — much as she looks now. And to find the love of your life at such a young age is nothing short of a miracle. I was jealous of the two of them, ok? So jealous that I slept with Danny to try and break up their relationship... And I wish I hadn’t said that... As I was saying, they were in love at first sight and that’s a beautiful thing... As beautiful as Lori’s round breast and plump butt. Does Danny deserve a woman like that? Huh? I mean, I slept with him on her birthday... And she knew, by the way, and she forgave him almost immediately. How’s that fair?! And he has a hairy back. I mean, really gross. The hair’s as bushy as the hair on the top of his head and it travels from his neck to his butt crack... And his breath — he loves garlic on everything... No, wait! Don’t push me! Let me tell you about his feet... Wait, wait!
