“I can’t keep doing this bro, I can’t keep lying and keep a straight face at home anymore, I just can’t. I have a future to think about, I’m trying to get my shit together and build a future and you’re hell bent on digging deeper into this shit and dragging everyone around you down in the pits with you, what the fuck happened to you man?”, my brother was right, there was no denting I’d pulled him in too deep into my my shit show of a life, and just when I couldn’t handle the pressure and pulled him into it one more to bail me out.

“Just this one last time, I need this, then I’m gone, I’ll cut you yours and I’m out…” I tried responding calmly, sincerely, shutting my eyes as he cut me off real abrupt, expecting a a justified lecture, his eyes were wide open, brow tight, he was definitely more pissed at me than usual.

“There won’t be a last time, it’s always something, and this time they’re going to find out, you know he saw us with your guys, theres inly one reason we’d be loading a van with them, and he saw us with this shit in our hands, my eyes locked onto his, you think he’s not already called the police, Dad, and half the fucking community?” He sunk his head into his hands, fingers clasping his hair between them. He was sweating, this was nervous, stressed out perspiration, the worst, it started in an instant, and refused to end until you were able to calm down, next would be the adrenaline jitters, I had to calm him down.

“Alright, you tell them you had no idea and I asked you for a hand moving a friends stuff and it wasn’t until we got back you realised what it was and told me to dump it, I’ll be back in the morning, no product, and the cash will be safe back in the flat”. I was trying to reason with him to give me up, wash his hands of the drugs but also keeping him onside with promise of his share of the money. I know, I was playing cerebral games with my own brother over his and the family reputation for my selfish gain. What he didn’t know is this is what paid for his education up front, it’s what bought us the family cars, it’s what kept the heating on and food on the table, without questions being asked there was always a miracle bonus or winning that kept us ticking along, and no one was the wiser.

“So you want me to snitch you out and pretend like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing? We’re not kids anymore man, no one’s buying that crap - you know you can still make it out without touching that shit again?” He was waving his arms around, pacing making swift turns around the side of the table he was on, Mum and Dad’s dining table, it was a solid table, I’d know, I’d used it for homework, to eat from, to cut my drugs on, and even slept on it once when I was too hight to take the few steps to the living room sofa.

“It’s not an option for me, Bro, I can’t let it go, this is what I know, and I have to see this through, if I don’t, they’ll come looking for their money”. This wasn’t me playing it smooth, no this was the gravity of my predicament becoming all too real in the moment and forcing me to be honest with him.

“Fuuuuuuuuck, so Mum and Dad might have their door knocked down because of this shit?” Uh-oh, now he’s really pissed, I might have been elder but he had both the moral high road, and the mass to knock me down both verbally and physically.

“Look I’ll leave now, I’m sorry, you’ll have to tell them the truth, I can’t be here for that right now, I need to end this, my debt is done, then I can face the wrath of family, community and the law if it cones down to it, but for now, I have to get rid of the noose around my neck, and make sure they don’t run up in the yard looking for their money”. I should have done this in the first place, without making that call for his helping hand, fuck, why’d I do it, I don’t know, why’d he pick up, why am I always trapped in a cycle of difficult decisions of my own making… *deep breath* “Give me the keys, I’ll have it back in the morning, when they get back tonight tell them theres been a misunderstanding, I’m sorting it out and will be back tomorrow”. I’m reassuring myself that they’ll be alright for one more night.

“I can’t lie for you again, I’m done”, he pulls the keys out of his hoodie and underarms it across to me, *ching cha ching*.

“I love you bro”, I grab the back of his neck and our foreheads knock together, “I’m sorry I’m like this, I’m sorry”, I mean it, it’s not me pretending anymore, at least I don’t think it is, I really can’t tell or control which side of me anyones interacting with anymore - what I do know for sure is, I do love him, I’d do anything to make sure he was alright, it’s all I’ve known, but I’ve lost my sanity in living like this, the drugs, the fear, the rejection, the pressure of the world crushing my shoulders every waking day, the filth in the hearts of man I’ve witnessed, I’m not sure if I’m a good man anymore, what I do know is I’m not a bad man.

“Look I’ll tell them it was a misunderstanding, and you’re sorting it, just come back alright, and end it tonight”. He’s grabbed my shirt like he’s about to batter me, but he doesn’t know how else to make it any clearer for me, this is as hard for him as it is for me to express real emotions anymore. “I love you too bro, I want you to be better, be my brother, not this criminal anymore, promise me”. He has tears forming in his eyes as they turn red, this is what I do to people I love, and yet I am unable to love them in the same way, I just don’t feel real anymore, but I have to go for now, I’ll figure out how to be a brother again once I’m back… if I come back. This would be enough for me to move on and setup somewhere new. I can’t do that to his or them, I shouldn’t.

I unravel his hands from my shirt and turn to waln out the door, and hold my palm up to signal my bye for now, he nods. This might be the last time he sees me, and my last memory of my little brother is tears in his eyes, I caused that, and yet he has a glimmer of hope for me in there. Is it enough for me to change my ways… we’ll find out I guess.