That’s what I feel every time I see my reflection. And no its not because I hate how I look most days as most people would think I quickly glance away from anything reflective, if people noticed it be when I got to my face - mainly my eyes. Some days it can be difficult to look into my own eyes.

Shame.

Guilt.

Hatred.

Why me?

Why not them?

These are some of the questions that pop up in my head when my eyes make contact with the only person who can actually see into my soul.

Me.

The only person who can hear my horrible thoughts, who can make me shake my head in disgust at myself for even thinking the most how the fuck, no. Why the fuck did that pop up in my head?

Is it normal?

Am I normal?

Do I want to be normal?

Do other people have these thoughts?

Am I crazy? Do I need medication? Should I be locked away?

This is where I let myself get to before I shake my head and let those thoughts disappear.

Or convince myself that its okay I have these fucked up thoughts that come out, considering how bad I have had it. It's not I act on those thoughts.

My life in a nutshell for the last 5 years.

Let’s go by years shall we.

Year 1, technically this year started 5 years before but you'll get it. So my sweet partner turned into the most lazy victim - took him 3 years, buying a house together, proposing to me, COVID to strip him of his ‘friends’ - secret, it didn't…he just told me it was me who scared his friends away - no. We were in lock down you jerk. For him to show my his real colours. Which was he wanted to trap me - while he got me to dig the hole, and then throw the shovel away - all by myself, he had no hand in it. Then when he had me - cheating, asking to have an open relationship then saying I don’t want kids, but when the tears started to fall at that one, he quickly made it into a joke and said he wasn’t being serious. Sadly took me 6 months to mentally prep myself to leave him. At this time frame I saw nothing in the mirror - I was nothing. Nothing but a failure.

Year 2

Fighting to keep the house - that was on the sidelines, but gosh is the sidelines expensive for a lawyer who quickly went to his side and not mine - even though I paid them to work for me, sure to make sure I followed the law. This is when I started to realise that the ex could charm anyone, even someone I cried to about some embarrassing issues that were happening, she turned to his side by the end.

Though somehow also dove straight into a guys arm who loved bomb me - gosh cringe! It only took me 2 months to see it and get the fuck away from that!

Anyway, my dad was falling of the wagon, but it wasn’t my responsibility - kind of. I was out of a 6 year relationship - stressing about money, paying off debt, paying off my ex's debt that he created for us, putting myself back together, I didn't have the energy to be watching my family self destruct only 10 minutes from my house. Just before Christmas - my dad went off the handles. Kicked my brother out of the house, drank a lot, fought a lot - I was called over a few times to help the situation as dad ‘only listened to me’ apparently. Christmas Day was good, however dad left 2 days later…. Positive - found a guy who was a good friend, fuck good, good hugger, someone who calms my racing thoughts, but didn't want more then that. I was happy-ish with that.

Year 3

Dad picking up his stuff, causing more fights, having to stand between my dad and little brother to stop my dad from punching my brother and going off at dad for threatening to run him over…I don’t know what dad told the family, but none have contacted us since. Still house stuff - this is the scary year, the ex fiancé is not responding to my lawyer, we have hardly any time to get the house sorted before we have to go to court to settle it and god…i do not want to see his face. I had small panic attacks every time i had to go to the shops with mum - near where he worked. If i was by myself? Never ever would go there. But i was stressing about court cost, if we had to sell - we both end with lots of debt. It ended sad - my mum found out she had bowel cancer. Also half way through the year, another positive - I ended up fostering a little girl. Also the ex signed the papers a week before the cut off date. The house is mine.

Year 4

Everything turned on its head. I moved back with my mum, I watched this strong women turn into a shell. She was strong at first - but her demons came out quickly. I cried a lot. She said a lot she prefer to die then continue on…but i had promised to look after her. She said she would never as she wanted to watch her grandkids grow…but I always worried I would come home to her no longer with us. I took her to appointments, i put my life on hold, for 12 months. I decided to move back into my house - so myself could have some mental health down time to recover all i had heard, all i had seen, and all i had prepared to see but hadn’t. Also working out my sexuality - no that's a lie, i knew it but waiting for mum to say something after her finding out i am Bi - sometimes i wish she would say something. But she seems ok as long as i am happy. Positive - that guy, he asked me to date him.

Year 5

That boy? He dumped me as he said he wasn’t good enough for me - I couldn’t do this, fight for something that i can’t change.

I had packed my first box. Moved it to the front room, mum had gotten sick again - which is normal since radiation. She got better for 10 hours before she begged me to call an ambulance- that was not normal as i ran out of work and sped home…2 hours later - oh you just have gastro, your dehydrated. 5 hours later - brain bleed. 6 hours later - we think you had a stroke 6 hours later - we don’t know why the bleed isn’t stopping. 12 hours later - oh you have a mass on your brain back we can’t really tell as stuff need the blood to go.

A large tumour that had been missed from her ‘full body’ MRI’s for the last 12 months. It was over 200grams of tumour that has been tested and is the same as her bowel…

I really don’t remember to much of this year. Lots of travel - and not the way I expected- hospital trips, flights for surgery, flights for more tests, flights for radiation. My only high light is my daughter. All my own highlights I had booked - cancelled. Fights with my mum as i was hurting, she couldn’t remember how certain things went so she yell, I couldn’t sit quiet any more and would try and explain but we would end up even more hurt.

So now for what I see in the mirror. Is it justified my thoughts?

For my mother who doesn’t smoke, drink hardly ever, eats well. How did she end up here? I am not healthy so is this going to be me in 20 years? Or less?

Why am I the only child (I have a brother) that had to watch my mother become a shell?

Why when he does one thing, he is the hero, but when I do 100 things I am still not enough?

I help my brother when I have nothing left to give but I am still the bad person, the one who is the villain, the devil who ruined the family?

Why am I the person that has to step up?

Why couldn’t I say no more?

Say no to someone who was hurting me?

Say no to things that made me uncomfortable?

Say no to things I knew would only hurt me…

I can never be the victim. I ask for help and others run in the other direction, and then silence until I break it - changing the line from i am broken to ‘here is a picture of my daughter doing a funny face’.

I am the rock but no one is my rock.

However, I don’t want help. Help leads to connection, connection leads to depending, depending leads to caring, caring can lead to love, and love leads to a broken mirror.

I am a broken mirror.

I am broken mirror at a dollar shop that no one wants. Even with glue - smile - you can still tell I am broken. My eyes give it away.

I am bad luck.

Because my future can never reflect what I want to reflect.

Whole.

Beautiful.

Kind.

Innocent.

Good enough.

When I look in the mirror, I see the person that no one want to see.

The villain. The one who fell. Fiend. The one with no soul.

The Devil.