Such a good day to get out of the house and explore. With the Autumn air - not too cold but the perfect time to be able to stand in the sun and not melt underneath it. Even the air feels different when I breathe it in, so light and crisp. I feel like I am floating as I hike up to the quarry - everyone in the little town has been boasting about it. However, the whispers state that it is a place of the fae, that it is magical so no photos must be taken in this secluded, magical place. With the hike so far, it has been peaceful, not another soul I have seen in two hours. Only the rustling of the leaves and the birds chirping have been accompanying me. A twig snapped to my left - my eyes snapped to the sound. I paused, looking around to see any movement within the trees. There was nothing, brushing off the thought of someone else being out here while I was hours away from town, and trying to convince myself that it was just a cute little animal - I continued with my walk. I spot two large boulders about 100 meters up the path, the town folk told me this would be the opening to the quarry. My pace quickens, I am about to be a part of the few who have seen this place, to be included as you can only see it with your own two eyes and not through a lens or technology. I stop and take a deep breath as I reach the boulders. This is it, this is what I have come for. Taking a step forward I look down upon the quarry. It was even more beautiful and magical; than I could imagine. Slowly walking down the uneven boulders, I listened to the slow trickle of water as it went over the boulders, reflecting the beautiful red and orange leaves, now and again the wind would pick up and a leaf with dance with the wind before falling into the water, floating on the top. Looking up the stone walls blocked out the real world - changing the colours of the water as the reflection changed. Heading straight to the water, I look around me, taking it in and breathing in this amazing place before I sit at the water's edge. After a few minutes, baby fish come up to nibble on the rocks, looking for food. I giggle as I then look deeper into the water as it quickly drops off into deep water. I cannot see anything but shadows of fish when they come closer to the top to nibble on the leaves that have fallen onto the water. Looking across the other side of the water, I daydream about fae warriors stopping here to grab fresh water on the way home after battle. One stays behind to rinse his face, leaning down his long blonde hair touches the water. He splashes his face and opens his eyes, he jumps back, falling on his ass. Staring at the water, he gets his bearings and looks into the depths of the water again - not willing to blink. There was a woman's face, looking at him with curiosity - her blue eyes looking him up and down, her head tipped to the size, her long red hair cascading around her, her arms down by her side. Ever so slowly the women approached the top of the water - never breaking eye contact with him. When her shoulders breached the water she stopped. He looked down to not see legs but to see a dark purple tail. 'A mermaid...' he whispered. She smiled cockily. 'Well done, I am. Why are you in my home?' 'I-I was just cooling off after a long walk.' He said, moving to sit and cross his legs. This then leads to them talking and asking each other questions about themselves and their people. However, it never led to them telling each other's names. 'RIN!' a voice from far away yells. 'RIN! WE NEED TO GO!' The mermaid looks towards the voice and then starts to back away, frightened. Rin puts his hand out, 'Wait, please! He won't hurt you!' She shakes her head, 'I have already broken my law to let you see me, I cannot let another,' she pauses to smile, 'Rin.' 'Please before you go then, can I ask you two questions?' 'RIN!?' shouts the other fae. 'I WILL BE THERE IN A MOMENT!' Rin yells over his shoulder, frustrated. The mermaid looks at him and nods. 'First, what is your name? As you now know mine.' She smiles brighter, showing how beautiful her blue eyes are. 'Sereia. What is the second?' 'Can I see you again?' Her smile disappeared and she looked sad. The clouds then became dark, the wind picking up, feeling rain on my face. WAIT! I opened my eyes to see the quarry had changed the sky had become dark, the wind had picked up, and the smell of rain was in the air. I quickly got up, walking as quickly as I could without slipping on the boulders. All too quickly I glanced back down to where I daydreamed about the mermaid and far, as I turned I saw something on the left. It was the initials R & S. I gasped and looked back between the water and the initials. That cannot be. It was only a daydream...right?

I no longer am afraid of the darkness; it brings some quiet from my crazy life but also my friend - I have been longing to see him. His name is Ken, not because his name is actually Ken but because Death just seems too scary of a name, it's kind of stuck now as when I named him, I was five years old, and I was into Barbie - at one time I thought he was my boyfriend, to late to take that back. He is the stereotype big, tall guy in a black, wearing a very large black hoodie though - I can never see his face from the shadow. But even before I could talk, he was there, waiting patiently for me to come to the calm darkness - even though it would only be for a few minutes at a time. Sometimes it would be days, weeks, or months between visits. Since last visit it has been 9 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days! I am on new medication for my heart which seem to be working, it likes to stop and give my parents their very own heart attacks - I am on the transplant list for a new heart, but I have been on it for as long as I remember! I am now 2nd in line to get a heart! While my parents stress, I know I get to see my friend and get some calm and space from the pills, hospital stays, and being homeschooled. Ken doesn't talk much. I ask him questions and he answers with images and then I answer the question in return. I know his favourite colour is dark green, he likes forests, likes pumpkin, hates tomato, enjoys a good coffee (I think - he shrugged but didn't say no), his favourite animal is a puppy, he seems to enjoy my music - he becomes 'lighter' when I sing.

Opening my eyes, I look around for Ken. I have beat him here for once. Sitting I wait, enjoying the quiet. This place is magic, so when I think of my favourite toys, they pop up here as well. Today I imagine my pens and paper. Before I had gotten halfway through drawing my picture, I can suddenly feel Ken. I look up and see him, I smile. Normally Ken keeps his distance - we have never touched. Even when I have tried, he would vanish and turn up in another spot. I frown, as he comes closer than normal. 'Ken?' I ask confused, standing up. It is my turn to back away. He lifts his hand towards me, palm up, slowly coming towards me. I look at his hand, it looks so soft, just like mine. I want to touch it; I hesitate to put my hand in his. 'Why?" I ask in a small voice. He stops, he tilts his head to the side, he surprises me by saying, 'Lottie, this time you don't get to go back.'

'So, who's going to die today?' I point at each and every one of my plants. I narrow my eyes at each of them before I walk over to Mony - my monstera. "No more leaves going brown! I have followed your instructions, I have learnt what you liked, you will survive today! YOU HAVE what you need to survive today," I then went to my pleading voice, "Please let your new leaf open with pretty holes in them!" Then I moved over to my Ficus. "Fic, please for the love of GOD, no more leaves going red and dropping. You are supposed to be not needy and here you are giving me the worse time! I just have to walk past you and ten leaves drop!" I then turned away and said under my breath so he didn't hear, 'You will be my last, I can't keep doing this with you, Fic." This is when I spot my herbs, I took a deep breath and walk over to them. I lean in close not to scare them. "Hello, my herby babies, now I know you are going good, and I want you to keep going, you are doing sooooo good for mummy." I grab my bag and keys and head to the door. Before I say a pray. "Please no more plants to die on the hottest day of the year!"

"Do you have to do that?' I looked up quickly from my book, forgetting to hold my place on the page. 'What?' I say, in confusion. I slide my glasses back up. 'Read, duh. Why do you have to be such a nerd?' my brother taunts. I look around me - here I am curled up on the couch in my favourite reading position to the far right of the lounge room, while the family in sitting all to my left of me on their phones or IPADS. I wanted to say what I was doing was better, but I shrugged instead as no matter what I said it was always the same. I've given up a long time ago to fight for me. Some days I even let them win and would put my book down to join the endless droning of the internet. Under her breath my mother said, 'She's so different from us.' My father huffed in agreement. My simmering unease was now starting to boil. This was no longer a safe place, I stood up and told my family I was going to my room. No one acknowledged me, so I tried to act like I was okay. This is something I do on the regular now.
As I shut my door, I finally felt like I could breathe again. I took a full deep breath, took one more before moving over to sit on my bed. Placing my book beside me, I no longer feel the need to devour it as I did before, I closed my eyes and imaged what I wanted to say, to stand up for myself, that I do not judge you on the simple pleasures that you enjoy in life. Just because I am not the same - but because I can't win a trophy, a certificate, a ribbon, or a round of applause with reading, you try to snuff out my interests because no one else in our families would continue to stick to something they enjoyed if they got bullied for it. It just took one comment, and you would stop. What cowards - I have continued to do what I enjoy for years with your belittling comments. But you haven't given up on trying to get me to stop, to be just like you - so I read some nights in secret. Watching TV with you while I really imagine the last few chapters from my current book or image what would happen next. Then when it was finally bedtime, I would get comfy under the blanket (so I could easily hide my book and light if you came to check on me) and stay up to 2am reading without your judging eyes watching me. But look how sad everyone is, so depressed and not enjoying life until it's too late. I do not regret my choices to see different worlds, different loves, feel so strongly for characters that I can imagine the characters standing up for me - right beside me. Being the chosen family I always dreamed of.
I sigh and open my eyes. Turning to look at myself in my mirror, I continue to be me, I don't let you drag me to your side. I finally let myself say aloud. ‘I’m not a traitor. I was never on your side.’

My eyes flash open, I am standing in an empty room, the walls were a beautiful dark blue, like the ocean. There were four LED down lights, all but one was working. It kept flickering, why has no one fixed that yet? I hear a hum, I look around to investigate - there are oddly three doors behind me. The first on my left is a deep red colour, the trimmings were white, the door handle rose gold. Huh, what a weird colour. The middle door was white, off white, white trimmings, and a black door knob. The final door was a dark forest green, with an even darker green trimmings and a black door knob. That is a pretty door. ‘Choose one’, said a voice from above. I flinch but from the voice that appears from no where. Looking around I cannot see anyone, it isn’t a very big room. In a quiet voice, ‘Where do they lead?’ I didn’t expect an answer but the hum came back before, ‘One leads to Heaven, one leads to Hell, the other leads back to life.’ _Wait, am I dead?!? ‘Am I dead?!’ _ _‘Not yet, the door you choose will determine your fate,’ _ _No pressure. One to hell…that would need to be the red door, the white heaven, and the green would need to be for life…right? I want to live and thats the door I am most drawn to. _ I slowly walk over to the green door, I am calm, but my hands become sweaty. My right hand slowly reaches out to touch the black door knob - it is cool, refreshing on my sweaty palm. I twist the door knob and open the door. I hear a male, deep chuckle, ‘Welcome to hell, my dear.’ ‘NO!’ I scream, I see a mans silouett walking towards me, I cannot see his face, as he is in darkness. I try to turn to run but he chuckles again. He says in a velvet voice, ‘Oh my dear, please don’t be frightened.’ _TOO LATE! _My inner panic goes to a sense of calm as I lose consciousness.

I felt warm, perfectly snuggled under my blanket, it is up under my chin while I lay on my belly. I am so snuggled up that I do not want to leave this bed, I cannot remember the last time I could stay in bed once I started to wake up. I was always rushing. ‘That’s the best part, you can stay in bed forever,’ said an amused voice. My eyes flew open, I was in my bed but not my bedroom - it was large, in the corner on one of those plant comfy couches I always wanted was the man who matched the voice from the door. His legs are crossed, relaxed, leaning back in the chair, wearing black shiny shoes, black pants and of course a black button up shirt. His skin was a light tan colour, he had slightly pointy nose, but it looked slightly crooked like he had been punched years ago but it never healed. His head was put to the side as he was watching me, a half smile on his face. His blue eyes were watching me intently, while his blonde hair was just long enough to fall into his eyes. He dwarfed the chair, he had to be at least 6 feet 2in - ‘I am 6 feet, 5inches actually,’ He smiled. I narrow my eyes at him, how did he know? ‘Your face says it all, come on, get up and I will explain, or I can join you if you prefer.’ He winked. I got up as fast as I could. ‘NO! I am up, I am up,’ As soon as I am standing, my bed, the couch and the room disappear - we are both standing in a void of black. It is to quiet and I need to say something. ‘Now what? Torture? Cut my hair? Tie me up and pull the skin from my bones?’ He looks me dead in the eyes, I was starting to regret say that to him, I wanted to break the eye staring contest but he did it first. Throwing his head back and laughing - not just a small one but hand on his belly and doubling over. I look at him in confusion, what is going on? Who is this weirdo? Finally he controls himself, standing to his full height, wiping a tear from his face. ‘I am sorry, this happens to me all the time, I just don’t know why this part makes me laugh, maybe because I know in a few weeks you’ll be laughing with me about it over drinks.’ ‘Ah huh, sure.’ Definitely a looney. He walks over to me and puts his hand out. I look at it and then all the way up, up, up to his face, then back at his hand. ‘My name is Lucier - if you haven’t already worked it out. It’s nice to meet you Taylor.’ I stared at his hand for a few seconds louder - my heart is racing and I feel like it is having trouble pushing my blood around. Deciding that no matter what, shaking hands with Luifer can’t turn horrible, right? I place my small pale hand into his. How can Mr Evil hands feel so warm and welcoming, like our hands are hugging? ‘Just cause I am the Devil, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to shake someone’s hand. Come on, its time to go.’ He said as he manoeuvred our hands from shaking to holding - he did it so casually like we had done it many times before. The black void around us slowly started to change, green vines started to grow from nowhere, to trees, butterflies randomly flying past my head, I hear a hum of insects, and chirps of birds. Soon enough I see no more black void but a beautiful lavish rainforest, where I can hear a stream and a distant waterfall. ‘This is beautiful,’ Lucifer said, as he clicks his fingers and a blanket appears on the ground. He lets go of my hand and I suddenly feel lost, he sits and guestures for me to sit. Which I do. I look around and agree with him, ‘It is beautiful, why bring me here?’ I stare at him, so confused to see him in a suit, in a rainforest, on a plain old picnic rug. Actually any guy wearing a suit would look weird. He looked at me, staring into my eyes - my soul. ‘Taylor,’ he said it with so much sincerity. ‘I didn’t bring you here. You brought me.’ I laugh at him, ‘Ahhh I don’t even know where this is!’ ‘I don’t either. This is somewhere where you wanted to go, to be at one stage of your life. It’s peaceful, I can see why you wanted to come here.’ ‘Yes it is peaceful, I like nature, I wanted to be in it more before I-‘ ‘Died,’ He finished for me. ‘Death is never the end.’ ‘Apparently it is, if you come to hell.’ He chuckled, ‘Yes, I get a bad…’ He was looking at a way to say it nicely. ‘Wrap, that its horrible down here, and that your life goal should not to even end up down here?’ ‘Persisely, however it is not like that at all for you. Sure some is true - but that is for the people who are evil at their core, you are not evil. You are curious, inquisitive, so many unanswered questions and so many experiences to be had. Beautiful, that’s why you choose my door. Red was Heaven - it would not have been a good pick for you! It would of restricted you just as choosing the white door! Choosing my door is going to allow you the chance to explore whatever it is that you want, whatever you can think of, imagine, create without any judgement from anyone - including yourself.’ ‘Like what? What if I don’t want to?’ My devil smiled, ‘Well sweet, you then get to watch. But that’s not nearly as fun to experience.’

I am eager to get the next few minutes over with, these chains around my wrists that connect to my ankles are starting to rub my skin raw. My clothes are but dirty, wet rags around me. My eyes scan the other women who also have been falsely accused of being a witch. It’s absolutely astonishing that the human race has still survived this long, especially wiping out as many females as possible. The only ridulous thing is - I am a witch, if i had not been hit on the head from behind, I would of used my magic by now to be free. But I woke up to being pulled into line with the other crying women, no, children. They look to be about 12 or 13 years of age. I can maybe feel from three or four of the girls will have gifts - when we make it out of today. My eyes scan around at all the towns people - what pitiful human beings, and the few law enorfocers. My eyes catch on one - an old love, but he was to scared to be seen with me. Just like he did to me - I engulfed him with fire and ran away.

I am a puzzle that will never be complete or have all its pieces fit. It is not because I am broken - my pieces are always changing. It could take days to change or months, or even years before a piece is changed, maybe ten are removed all at once.

Having those missing pieces, I use to feel that this was wrong, that this is failure. But after reflecting - it makes perfect sense to why. There are pieces of myself that I hate or make me cringe, so I take them out and set them to my right side so even though I am never going to use them again, I can look back on them and remember why I don’t use them anymore. Why they will never fit again to the person I am today.

My left side pile has always been large, my puzzle can only fit a fifty different pieces at once, but there are over a thousand pieces in my pile. Now even if I want a piece to fit - also doesn’t mean it actually will - it can look like it but it will never fit, no matter how I try to place it.

I pick one up an examine it, do I want to be interested in politics - no. I gently place it on the right pile. Before I pick up my next piece, I take a sip of my warm coffee. Looking down at my large left pile and the down at my chest - 25 pieces already used.

My pieces I have now - a mother, caring, nature, sarcastic, workaholic, caring to much, music - specifically the music I grew up with, photography, travel, reading, put others before myself, coffee is a must each day, sleep, resting bitch face - gotta protect myself when needed, big heart, love to cook, love to garden, empathetic, passionate, curious, goal driven, short fuse, anxiety, obsessive, and overprotective.

Now some of these I can’t get rid of, they have been glued in. I cannot remove them even if I wanted to remove them I couldn’t. They are part of me, I wouldn’t be me without them. Even if some are negative or viewed as bad by society these days.

I am a difficult, broken, damaged puzzle by society standards and I am okay with that.

Because I am but a puzzle.

‘Dad?!’ I gasp. This cannot be happening! I look between my phone and out my window in my car. Here I thought while I have a quiet five minutes in my car before work, I’ll try swiping left and right to find the one - such an innocent thought. This is not what I expected to see at 7.15am on a Monday morning.

Now I know mum and dad have been split for a few months now, but why the hell is he coming on my screen? I have protocols in place so I don’t see people above 35, as I am 29…dad is 51.

Should I click it? Do I want to click it? Yes I do, but once I open it - there is no going back. I am going to have to bleach my eyes. This is going to go into that little black box in my brain that will forever be forgotten.

My thumb hesitates to click the button that will bring up his profile. I take a deep breath, rest my head on my seat, and say a silent prayer. Please Dad, please no sexy talk from you be on your profile!

My thumb begrudgingly touches the screen. Okay he has written 30 as his age - dad no way you only look 30. The first picture I saw was one in his work uniform- at least he is clean shaven and looks somewhat presentable. Second picture- blank. Huh. How you gonna get the ladies dad with one pic?

I scroll down to his bio.

‘A king looking for his queen’ I groan as I say this out loud. How cringey. Good to know that you consider yourself a king you alcoholic cheater. But good to know.

Hobbies - loves walks on the beach, camping, travel.

Hmm I know the camping one as that’s where you like to drink yourself silly - it’s not fun watching your father drink himself silly and pee wherever he likes.

That’s all that’s there. I wonder how many dates he has been on?

‘Fuck!’ My eyes catch the time and I realised I start work in 5 minutes! I quickly grab everything and get out. Getting half way to the door of work when I realise I need to lock my car, I quickly spin, dig into my pocket and press the button. Do not want the kids of the neighbourhood getting into my car! No thanks.

My boss is not going to believe what I am gonging to say to her. Should I tell her? She’d want to know. I rush through signing myself in, and walk straight to my bosses door. She looks up as I enter, smiles and says morning.

I smile at her in return ‘Guess what?’ ‘What?’ ‘Mum, I found dad on my dating app!’

That’s what I feel every time I see my reflection. And no its not because I hate how I look most days as most people would think I quickly glance away from anything reflective, if people noticed it be when I got to my face - mainly my eyes. Some days it can be difficult to look into my own eyes. Shame. Guilt. Hatred. Why me? Why not them? These are some of the questions that pop up in my head when my eyes make contact with the only person who can actually see into my soul. Me. The only person who can hear my horrible thoughts, who can make me shake my head in disgust at myself for even thinking the most how the fuck, no. Why the fuck did that pop up in my head? Is it normal? Am I normal? Do I want to be normal? Do other people have these thoughts? Am I crazy? Do I need medication? Should I be locked away? This is where I let myself get to before I shake my head and let those thoughts disappear. Or convince myself that its okay I have these fucked up thoughts that come out, considering how bad I have had it. It's not I act on those thoughts. My life in a nutshell for the last 5 years. Let’s go by years shall we. Year 1, technically this year started 5 years before but you'll get it. So my sweet partner turned into the most lazy victim - took him 3 years, buying a house together, proposing to me, COVID to strip him of his ‘friends’ - secret, it didn't…he just told me it was me who scared his friends away - no. We were in lock down you jerk. For him to show my his real colours. Which was he wanted to trap me - while he got me to dig the hole, and then throw the shovel away - all by myself, he had no hand in it. Then when he had me - cheating, asking to have an open relationship then saying I don’t want kids, but when the tears started to fall at that one, he quickly made it into a joke and said he wasn’t being serious. Sadly took me 6 months to mentally prep myself to leave him. At this time frame I saw nothing in the mirror - I was nothing. Nothing but a failure.

Year 2 Fighting to keep the house - that was on the sidelines, but gosh is the sidelines expensive for a lawyer who quickly went to his side and not mine - even though I paid them to work for me, sure to make sure I followed the law. This is when I started to realise that the ex could charm anyone, even someone I cried to about some embarrassing issues that were happening, she turned to his side by the end. Though somehow also dove straight into a guys arm who loved bomb me - gosh cringe! It only took me 2 months to see it and get the fuck away from that! Anyway, my dad was falling of the wagon, but it wasn’t my responsibility - kind of. I was out of a 6 year relationship - stressing about money, paying off debt, paying off my ex's debt that he created for us, putting myself back together, I didn't have the energy to be watching my family self destruct only 10 minutes from my house. Just before Christmas - my dad went off the handles. Kicked my brother out of the house, drank a lot, fought a lot - I was called over a few times to help the situation as dad ‘only listened to me’ apparently. Christmas Day was good, however dad left 2 days later…. Positive - found a guy who was a good friend, fuck good, good hugger, someone who calms my racing thoughts, but didn't want more then that. I was happy-ish with that.

Year 3 Dad picking up his stuff, causing more fights, having to stand between my dad and little brother to stop my dad from punching my brother and going off at dad for threatening to run him over…I don’t know what dad told the family, but none have contacted us since. Still house stuff - this is the scary year, the ex fiancé is not responding to my lawyer, we have hardly any time to get the house sorted before we have to go to court to settle it and god…i do not want to see his face. I had small panic attacks every time i had to go to the shops with mum - near where he worked. If i was by myself? Never ever would go there. But i was stressing about court cost, if we had to sell - we both end with lots of debt. It ended sad - my mum found out she had bowel cancer. Also half way through the year, another positive - I ended up fostering a little girl. Also the ex signed the papers a week before the cut off date. The house is mine.

Year 4 Everything turned on its head. I moved back with my mum, I watched this strong women turn into a shell. She was strong at first - but her demons came out quickly. I cried a lot. She said a lot she prefer to die then continue on…but i had promised to look after her. She said she would never as she wanted to watch her grandkids grow…but I always worried I would come home to her no longer with us. I took her to appointments, i put my life on hold, for 12 months. I decided to move back into my house - so myself could have some mental health down time to recover all i had heard, all i had seen, and all i had prepared to see but hadn’t. Also working out my sexuality - no that's a lie, i knew it but waiting for mum to say something after her finding out i am Bi - sometimes i wish she would say something. But she seems ok as long as i am happy. Positive - that guy, he asked me to date him.

Year 5 That boy? He dumped me as he said he wasn’t good enough for me - I couldn’t do this, fight for something that i can’t change. I had packed my first box. Moved it to the front room, mum had gotten sick again - which is normal since radiation. She got better for 10 hours before she begged me to call an ambulance- that was not normal as i ran out of work and sped home…2 hours later - oh you just have gastro, your dehydrated. 5 hours later - brain bleed. 6 hours later - we think you had a stroke 6 hours later - we don’t know why the bleed isn’t stopping. 12 hours later - oh you have a mass on your brain back we can’t really tell as stuff need the blood to go. A large tumour that had been missed from her ‘full body’ MRI’s for the last 12 months. It was over 200grams of tumour that has been tested and is the same as her bowel… I really don’t remember to much of this year. Lots of travel - and not the way I expected- hospital trips, flights for surgery, flights for more tests, flights for radiation. My only high light is my daughter. All my own highlights I had booked - cancelled. Fights with my mum as i was hurting, she couldn’t remember how certain things went so she yell, I couldn’t sit quiet any more and would try and explain but we would end up even more hurt.

So now for what I see in the mirror. Is it justified my thoughts?

For my mother who doesn’t smoke, drink hardly ever, eats well. How did she end up here? I am not healthy so is this going to be me in 20 years? Or less? Why am I the only child (I have a brother) that had to watch my mother become a shell? Why when he does one thing, he is the hero, but when I do 100 things I am still not enough? I help my brother when I have nothing left to give but I am still the bad person, the one who is the villain, the devil who ruined the family? Why am I the person that has to step up? Why couldn’t I say no more? Say no to someone who was hurting me? Say no to things that made me uncomfortable? Say no to things I knew would only hurt me… I can never be the victim. I ask for help and others run in the other direction, and then silence until I break it - changing the line from i am broken to ‘here is a picture of my daughter doing a funny face’. I am the rock but no one is my rock. However, I don’t want help. Help leads to connection, connection leads to depending, depending leads to caring, caring can lead to love, and love leads to a broken mirror. I am a broken mirror. I am broken mirror at a dollar shop that no one wants. Even with glue - smile - you can still tell I am broken. My eyes give it away. I am bad luck. Because my future can never reflect what I want to reflect. Whole. Beautiful. Kind. Innocent. Good enough.

When I look in the mirror, I see the person that no one want to see. The villain. The one who fell. Fiend. The one with no soul.

The Devil.