One fine day in October, Vladimir the Marxist-Leninist went to New York. ‘Perhaps’, he mused, ‘I vill go to ze ztock exchange, and see how the capitalist svine do their business.’

Of course, Vladimir had no intention of radical action—he was a communist, not a terrorist. And yet he vaguely wanted to demonstrate his ideology’s superiority. A task he acknowledged would be difficult given that an actual Marxist country hadn’t really worked out yet. ‘I will have to observe their habits, then. And zen I vill come up with a fitting symbol of capitalist greed!”

And so he went to the stocks. He saw an area labeled “Tesla”. “Ah, Nikola Tesla, a capitalist entrepreneur and inventor! How lives on his legacy?” He said aloud and walked up to the area. He saw an advert for the car company, and he was elated. “Good, an automobile manufacturer, they must hate and destroy ze environment!”

“Actually sir,” said a random bystander, “they’re an electric car company with a lot of commitment to helping the planet out of our dependency on fossil fuels.”

“Ah, and is this Tesla doing anything to move our species forward?” Vladimir asked, assuming that would shut up this ignorant American scum.

“Yes. Elon Musk also owns SpaceX, which is a company devoted to space travel. Which I assume from your attire and accent,” Vladimir was admittedly wearing a bearskin coat and a fur hat with the scythe of Mother Russia embroidered onto it “that you would appreciate."

Vladimir sighed. Perhaps he could make another company an example. “Microsoft, maybe.”

He walked over to the Microsoft area. “Ah, a technology company. They outsource their labor and keep all the wealth centred with themselves!"

“Actually,” replied the same American, “Bill Gates has given billions of dollars to charity and Microsoft in general is one of the best corporations to work for.”

“Vy are you following me? Do I need to call security?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Zhopu porvu margala vikoliu.” Vladimir said, and left.

He saw yet another company. “Well perhaps if this American likes Microsoft, he will hate Apple!”

And so he meandered over to the Apple area, checking behind him to see if he was being tailed. As he turned back around, the American was roughly two inches from his face, saying:

“Actually, Apple is also a good company. They put a lot of effort into the security and quality of their products, and are a Fortune 500 company. They are also cool—the conception that you must choose between Apple or Microsoft is completely false."

Vladimir sighed. ‘Is there any company this man hates?’ He wondered.

He walked over to Walmart. “Ah Walmart, with your insufficient wages and terrible products,"

“ACTUALLYY—“

“WHAT? WHAT, YOU STUPID AMERICAN? SPEAK UP I CAN”T HEAR YOU OVER THE CROWDS OF MOTHER RUSSIA! KARL MARX SAVE MY SOUL! PAST’ ZABEJ, PADLA JEBANAJA! YOB TVOYU MAT! PASSSOSSEE MAYEE YAI—"

“—you’re not special. Everybody hates Walmart.”