Mitch puts his head on his desk and throws his arms over to muffle his scream. After recollecting himself, he opens his work email.

MITCH. EXPENSE REPORTS. DONE BY NOON. ON MY DESK. NOON.

Expense reports. I’ll show you expense reports, you fuck. Mitch reaches under his desk and draws out his trusty long sword. The same sword that slayed the three Gexnon-headed in the village of Gib. What a fine sword. He heaves the long sword over his shoulder and, with a great deal of confidence, marches over to his boss’ office. Mitch kicks in the door and yells, “no human boss would ask for expense reports on casual Friday!” And with a whirl of his chiseled arms, he swings the long sword into the neck of his “boss” and severs his head. Alien-like tentacles sprout out from his neck, searching for some life to cling to. They slowly begin to whither and evaporate.

“Oh, Mitch! You saved us from work on casual Friday!” said Macy from accounting. “You’re our hero! Now, deflower me out on the veranda!”

With a grin, Mitch thought, ‘ What the fuck is a veranda?”

“Mitch.”

Doesn’t matter. Princess Macy from accounting was about to get his flesh sword and-

“MITCH.”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you get my email? Expense reports on my desk by noon? Why is your hand in your pants?”

“Spider bite. Itchy itchy. Yeah I’m working on them.”

“Good!” Mr. Boss said as he walked away.

Mitch gets up and walks to the coffee station. Coffee is the lifeblood of any office. But, there is no coffee. He notices Mr. Boss walking away with a steaming cup. That bastard took the last of the coffee and didn’t even start a new batch. Only an evil lizard demon would do that.

And there it was. Hanging out of Mr. Boss’ pants was a scaly, lizard tail. Not on my watch you demon lizard cunt. Behind the coffee station, Mitch had hidden a battle axe. It’s the perfect weapon for decapitating a demon lizard’s tail. Everyone knows that demon lizard tails are their weak spot. Destroy the tail, destroy the lizard.

Mitch hoists up the axe and charges the demon lizard.

“Hey demon lizard! What did the axe say to the tail? CHOP to meet ya!” he screamed as he parted the demon lizard’s tail. The demon lizard screamed in agony and began to melt into the floor.

“Oh my god! Mitch you saved the precious coffee from the evil demon lizard! And your joke made total sense! Please bury your face in my breasts!” said Macy from accounting.

“Oh I would love to bury my face in your breasts,” said Mitch.

“Ew, Mitch what the fuck is wrong with you?” said Macy from accounting. “Oh my god, do you have a boner? Sick! I’m going to HR about this.”

“Macy, no it’s not what it looks like!” But it was, because Mitch was as hard as the stone that held King Arthur’s sword.

Mitch skulks back to his desk to work on the expense reports. On casual Friday.

An hour later, Burt walks into his cubicle.

“Mitch. Need you in my office. I think you know what this is about.”

Mitch nods and follows Burt into his office. There is a poster of a cat hanging on a rope that says ‘hang in there!’ Mitch hates it with all his heart.

“Take a seat Mitch. Macy tells me you said some inappropriate things. Normally this really wouldn’t matter, because women are stupid. But, you had an erection. Which makes it a real doozy. You fucked up bud.”

“I’m sorry. I was just daydreaming and got lost in the moment. You know how it is in this office.”

“Were you a warrior that killed the evil boss and then Macy from accounting let you bang her on the veranda?”

“Yes!”

“Mmmm. Yes, we all have those fantasies. But some of us are smart enough to keep it to ourselves. I’m sorry but we are going to have to let you go.”

“I’ll show you letting go,” said Mitch as he pulled a .44 magnum from his jacket. He pointed it at Burt, pulled back the hammer and fired. Burt’s brains painted the cat poster a chunky red.

“That’ll show you, you evil shaman wizard… wait where’s Macy offering me her body?”

“Active shooter! Everyone run!”

Mr. Boss kicked in the door to Burt’s office and shot Mitch three times with his Glock.

“Take that you evil, toxic masculinity-wielding hob goblin!” said the incredibly muscular and handsome Mr. Boss.

“Oh Mr. Boss! You saved us from the angry incel! Take me on the veranda!” said Macy from accounting.

And before he could, there was a knock at his office door. It was Mitch.

“Here’s those expense reports for you.”