It was happening again. That rapid thudding in my chest. Only this time, I couldn’t just squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to ground myself. 5,4,3,2,1 would not work right now. I needed to move. Quickly. My life depended on it.

As usual, I’m paralysed with fear. Hands tingling I pinch myself hard - to feel something. Anything. Anything other than this anchor of black doom. I watch as blood bubbled to the surface of my skin. A red droplet seeps out of the wound and drips down my hand stopping abruptly at my fingertip. I stare at it, promising myself that the blood falling was my cue to move. It would be my gunshot. Time seemed to slow. Eyes narrowing, my vision is blurred. I close my eyes for a minute too long. I missed my gunshot. My heart sinks a little further in my chest, the thudding getting faster and I’m starting to struggle for air. Countless memories flash through my mind - the writing in the concrete wall, the bald man at the fireplace, the field of tall grass. The yellow door. Understanding floods my veins and the anchor is released. Fear turns to heartbreak and before I know it I am crying uncontrollably. The pain of betrayal burning a hole in my heart. How could he? Falling to my knees, I scream. I scream for them, for me and for those who will never know the truth. As my lungs draw their last few breaths I sink deeper and deeper into darkness. The abyss.

Startled, I sharply sit up gasping for air and clutching my chest. Mother is at my side, tucking damp hair behind my ears. “Your safe,” she whispered. “I’m here. It’s just a dream”. I looked her in the eye and before she could speak again I spoke. “ I remember”.