Grandfathers eyes narrowed as he glanced over from his chair beside the fireplace “Do you want to talk about it?” he said softly. I sighed. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t know how. Or what I’d even say. He knew that too but he always asked anyway. The warmth of the fire beside him called out to me. I kicked the heel of my boots to remove them, water spilling out as I pulled them off. A cold shiver took hold of my body and shook it deeply. I parked myself beside him and sat in silence trying to quiet my mind by listening to the crackle of the flames and feeling the warmth against my cool skin. “Here” grandfather said, holding out his hand. Puzzled, I looked from my palm to his face. “A penny”, I said inquisitively. His smile widened. “I’m too old for penny sweets, grandfather”, I wasn’t even sure they sold sweets for a penny anymore. Things were a lot more expensive these days. I chuckled to myself. “No dear, I don’t give you this to spend. I want you to keep it. Forever. And I want you to use it”. Use it? He just told me not to spend it. I can see this chat ending very soon. I start to shuffle in my seat, readying to excuse myself for bed. My cheeks are pink now and my eyes starting to tire. I humour him “I will keep it in my pocket for as long as I live” I said sarcastically, instantly regretting the tone as soon as my words were spoken. He was a good man. And I wasn’t being very nice. “Sorry” I said and meant it. Still grinning ear to ear he shuffled his chair closer to mine and put both hands over mine and he squeezed the penny into my palm. “Sometimes, Olive dear, you don’t want to talk because you don’t know how you feel, what choice to make, what path to chose, what to let go or what to hold on tighter too. Life can be hard. The mind can be so overrun by thoughts and others expectations, you can’t hear it” he paused and nodded his head. “Hear what?”I say softly. Intrigued, I leaned in closer. “Your intuition, dear”. I’m definitely confused now, what’s intuition got to do with an old brass penny. I tossed the coin around my fingers and wondered if grandfather was losing his marbles. But there was something about the coin I just could not place - a feeling of mystery or magic or even both. I stared at my hands for a while. My grandfather continued “You have the power inside you. We all do. The power to draw upon the universal energy that will guide you. Show you the way. Whenever you are feeling like you don’t know the answers, make a bet with yourself and flip the coin. As soon as you throw the coin in the air, you’ll know which side your hoping it lands. That right there, is your intuition. It was there all along, you just couldn’t hear it through your thoughts. Use the coin my dear but never spend it”. My eyes filled with tears and my throat tightened. I wanted to say thank you but the words just wouldn’t come out. Squeezing his hands tighter, tears rolled down my face and my heart clenched. I nodded. And he understood. My grandfather has not lost his marbles, he is the wisest man I know. And I will cherish this coin, and him. Forever.

It was happening again. That rapid thudding in my chest. Only this time, I couldn’t just squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to ground myself. 5,4,3,2,1 would not work right now. I needed to move. Quickly. My life depended on it. As usual, I’m paralysed with fear. Hands tingling I pinch myself hard - to feel something. Anything. Anything other than this anchor of black doom. I watch as blood bubbled to the surface of my skin. A red droplet seeps out of the wound and drips down my hand stopping abruptly at my fingertip. I stare at it, promising myself that the blood falling was my cue to move. It would be my gunshot. Time seemed to slow. Eyes narrowing, my vision is blurred. I close my eyes for a minute too long. I missed my gunshot. My heart sinks a little further in my chest, the thudding getting faster and I’m starting to struggle for air. Countless memories flash through my mind - the writing in the concrete wall, the bald man at the fireplace, the field of tall grass. The yellow door. Understanding floods my veins and the anchor is released. Fear turns to heartbreak and before I know it I am crying uncontrollably. The pain of betrayal burning a hole in my heart. How could he? Falling to my knees, I scream. I scream for them, for me and for those who will never know the truth. As my lungs draw their last few breaths I sink deeper and deeper into darkness. The abyss.

Startled, I sharply sit up gasping for air and clutching my chest. Mother is at my side, tucking damp hair behind my ears. “Your safe,” she whispered. “I’m here. It’s just a dream”. I looked her in the eye and before she could speak again I spoke. “ I remember”.