There was a point in time

When genuine kindness was startling to me.

Unusual behavior.

Especially to receive from friends.

I think that at some point in my head,

I must have changed the definition of that word,

Of friends.

And I was scared all the time.

More than I needed to be.

Because it was over.

I just didn’t know that.

How was I supposed to know that?

I changed the meaning of friend.

If these were my friends,

It meant that they would hurt me.

That was the new definition,

The one she carved into my knee.

She blamed it on her ocd.

Undiagnosed, actually.

And I wasn’t scared of what was on the other side

Because I didn’t know what it could be,

I was scared that it was more of the same,

That the nightmare was the dream.

That this was it for me.

Once you’ve left the devil you know,

Nothing might change with the devil you don’t.