This line could not be moving any slower.

I’m seconds away from being late to the afternoon lecture on the scientology of frogs in cuisine (weird context, don’t ask), and I must, MUST be on this train or so help me somebody is going to die.

I spot the root of the delay. A man is arguing with the barrier supervisor, something about how his ticket isn’t working.

There’s 2 minutes left for the train.

I’m out of time. A skit I saw on my doomscrolling yesterday comes to mind, and after mulling over the worth of my dignity versus the pain of a disruptive attention grabbing late lecture entry, I decide to surrender to the cringe.

I take the biggest breath my lungs can hold, and yell out, “My leg!! Somebody help me!! Oh my god my ankle’s broken please anybody help!”

Everyone obviously immediately turns to identify who the hell was screaming the place down at 8am on a Tuesday.

1 minute left for the train.

I deliberately crash my body weight as hard as I can into the person directly in front of me, causing everybody to fall into each other and starting the most glorious riot you have ever seen.

Security failing to control the chaos, commuters raging over the commotion as they fall into each other, coffee getting spilt all over precious tech and ironed tailored clothing.

And in the midst of it all, I smack my phone onto the card reader, the platform gates open and I barrel onto the train, falling into the carriage but impressively managing to keep my face off the dirty train floor.

Doors close seconds after my entry, and the train pulls off for its destination.

“Are you alright miss?” says a nearby suited fella.

I raise my hand in the universal signal for “I’m just great”, stumble over to a chair, and sit down.

Days like today serve to remind me how stupid education is. Because it’s obviously society’s fault, and completely nothing to do with my poor sleep hygiene and complete disregard for my body’s essential restorative function.

Sigh.

I don’t even work yet and I already need a holiday.