Grief

It’s a never ending cycle

A constant uphill battle

Most days I’m okay

I know you couldn’t stay

You fought to stay here

But your body got so tired

And you surrendered to the calm

On that sad and fateful day

It’s been almost three years

I’ve processed this a lot

But sometimes it still sneaks up

Ripping apart my heart

As I crave your warm embrace

Your kind and gentle touch

On nights like tonight

I lay here lost in thought

The tears flow from my eyes

As I remember the struggle and fight

Grief is a strange feeling

Like your heart is being ripped to shreds

But you have to keep moving

Though it’s so hard to live

When someone so vital is dead

So many things

That other girls can do

I’ll never have that

But I don’t blame you

Yes

I feel angry

But not at you

I’m angry for the circumstance

That led to me loosing you

Walking down the isle

Going to my first prom

Introducing my first boyfriend

It all feels so wrong

Like it’s not normal

To experience these things without you

I can’t let others see

This vulnerability

I lock the tears away

They’ll never see me cry

I say that I’ve moved on

That now it’s not so bad

But the pain will never fully leave

I’ll always feel a little sad

And on nights like tonight

It gets so hard to cope

Everyone thinks of a boy

Growing up without a father

But what about girls like me?

What about the eldest daughter?

Whenever someone asks

What I would wish for given the chance

My answer is always the same

Though I’ll never be honest

In reality

The thing I want the most

Is a fatherly embrace

To hold me tight

And keep me close

To feel safe and secure

In his big strong arms

To forget about the struggles

And be told that it’ll be okay

I joke about this grief

Because it puts others at ease

But if someone were to ask me

If I was truly okay

I’d break down into tears

And tell them all my fears

That I don’t remember how it feels

To have that fatherly love

And all I really want

Is his strong yet gentle hug

To hear that it’s okay

That he will keep me safe

That what I want

More than anything on earth

Is to hug him tight

And forget all of my strife

Because almost three years ago

When I was fourteen years old

I lost my father

As the cancer took its hold