Grief
It’s a never ending cycle
A constant uphill battle
Most days I’m okay
I know you couldn’t stay
You fought to stay here
But your body got so tired
And you surrendered to the calm
On that sad and fateful day
It’s been almost three years
I’ve processed this a lot
But sometimes it still sneaks up
Ripping apart my heart
As I crave your warm embrace
Your kind and gentle touch
On nights like tonight
I lay here lost in thought
The tears flow from my eyes
As I remember the struggle and fight
Grief is a strange feeling
Like your heart is being ripped to shreds
But you have to keep moving
Though it’s so hard to live
When someone so vital is dead
So many things
That other girls can do
I’ll never have that
But I don’t blame you
Yes
I feel angry
But not at you
I’m angry for the circumstance
That led to me loosing you
Walking down the isle
Going to my first prom
Introducing my first boyfriend
It all feels so wrong
Like it’s not normal
To experience these things without you
I can’t let others see
This vulnerability
I lock the tears away
They’ll never see me cry
I say that I’ve moved on
That now it’s not so bad
But the pain will never fully leave
I’ll always feel a little sad
And on nights like tonight
It gets so hard to cope
Everyone thinks of a boy
Growing up without a father
But what about girls like me?
What about the eldest daughter?
Whenever someone asks
What I would wish for given the chance
My answer is always the same
Though I’ll never be honest
In reality
The thing I want the most
Is a fatherly embrace
To hold me tight
And keep me close
To feel safe and secure
In his big strong arms
To forget about the struggles
And be told that it’ll be okay
I joke about this grief
Because it puts others at ease
But if someone were to ask me
If I was truly okay
I’d break down into tears
And tell them all my fears
That I don’t remember how it feels
To have that fatherly love
And all I really want
Is his strong yet gentle hug
To hear that it’s okay
That he will keep me safe
That what I want
More than anything on earth
Is to hug him tight
And forget all of my strife
Because almost three years ago
When I was fourteen years old
I lost my father
As the cancer took its hold