**Chapter 3******

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Davian

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Nothing was alright. I don’t even remember how I got out of the truck and into my bed. I don’t remember falling asleep, I don’t remember waking up. All I remember is the scraping sound of my car colliding with another, all I remember is the smell of coppery blood floating all around me. The part that scares me the most is that blood wasn’t just mine, it was someone else’s.

There’s a gentle knock on my bedroom door before it squeaks open. I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling, counting the faded glowing stars Dad had helped me put up when I was eight.

“Hey Davey.” Allie’s soft voice breaks the silence. “I brought you some food.”

I shake my head, wiping at my cheeks I didn’t even realize were wet. “I’m not hungry.”

Allie comes up to me, sitting on the end of my bed with a plate of food in her hands. “You can feel, you know.” Allie tells me as she looks off into the distance. I like that about her, she doesn’t fight for eye contact when she knows it’s never going to happen. “That’s the whole point of emotions, they talk. They tell us what we need to do. Without them we’d be lost.”

I know Allie’s trying to understand me, but I don’t think anyone can. If Allie can’t— the most emphatic person I’ve ever met— then maybe I’m just not meant to be understood.

“You can cry,” Allie keeps going. “Or scream, or smile, or laugh. I know if feels wrong, especially after . . .” Allie pauses, I can tell she’s searching for the right word if there’s even a thing. “But it’s not. It’s just life.”

Maybe she does understand me. “It’s almost worse,” I whisper, my voice filled with even more pain then I want Allie to hear. “Then losing them. I always blamed myself, but this time. It really was me.”

Allie’s green eyes are wet with tears, shining in the early morning light that is seeping in from the single window at the side of my bed. She sets the plate behind her, then with one quick movement I’m wrapped in her arms, feeling the warmth of her body against mine. It’s comforting, even though my heart jumps in my chest. I push that feeling away, Allie’s taken and she’d never go for me anyways. I don’t even like her that way anymore.

“It was an accident,” Allie mumbles into my ear as she squeezes me tight. “It was a stupid hand that the world dealt you.”

I let my tears crawl down my face as my arms lay limply at my sides. Allie’s hugging me enough for both of us, even though I want to return the feeling of comfort to her, I don’t.

“What do I do?” I ask the simplest question ever. Funny how simple questions really aren’t that simple. Not in this case anyways. Not in my world.

“I think,” Allie takes in a deep breath as she releases me. Now she meets my eyes, and I don’t try to avoid them. “You need to take time . . . Time to process this, to forgive yourself.”

I nod. Forgive myself, is that even something humans are capable of? “What about . . .” I trail off, the crash flashing through my mind. “I need to see . . . Apologize . . .”

“You will Dave,” Allie cuts me off, wiping my cheek. “We will.”

I nod again. “Today?”

I feel like a little kid begging to go to my grandparent’s house or begging for a new toy my friend has.

Allie swallows as she keeps her hand on my cheek. “If it’s what you want.”

It’s didn’t realize it till now, but it’s all I want. To see this person, to maybe heal my wounds, while trying to stop their bleeding. I want to at least try to help them, to clean the mess I’ve made.

“It is,” I mutter as the door creaks open, and Tommy steps in.

“I don’t think it’s the best idea,” Tommy says as he comes to Allie’s side. I don’t let him know I’ve heard him. I just keep my eyes on Allie’s, on the person who is helping me. Not on the person who I’ve had to live up to.

Allie turns to face him, leaving me stranded. “Tommy, if it’s what he needs . . .”

Tommy shakes his head. “It’ll just make things worse.”

“Maybe, but it could also heal . . .”

Tommy sighs. “Gosh, Allie. This isn’t the kind of thing that can be healed. It’s not a cut, it’s a life.”

He didn’t sound mad but I could tell he was. He was stressed out because of me and now he’s taking it out on Allie.

“It’s fine!” I say before either can say anything. I don’t need to be the reason for another mistake.

Allie meets my eyes, worry flooding through her face. “Are you sure?”

I nod once, avoiding her eyes. It’s not that I’m lying, it’s that I don’t want her to see me crying over not being able to do something.

After a few minutes Tommy and Allie leave. I can hear them arguing in the hallway. I thought by taking Tommy’s side it would settle things, it always does.

I hold in the urge to let it all out, to scream at the top of my lungs and cry like a little baby.

“This isn’t something you can magically fix!” I hear Tommy’s muffled, but still loud voice.

“I’m not—”

“Then what are you doing? Helping?”

There’s a long silence that I can see my scream covering up, but I don’t let it out. I don’t need them rushing to my side. I don’t need anything.

“Yeah!” Allie’s voice comes back, louder, angrier than I’ve ever heard her speak before. “I’m helping! It’s all I’ve done for the past three years since the fire! Trying to keep everything Eliana and Kai made from breaking! So yeah, maybe I’m just a stupid girl who tries too hard and thinks everything can be fixed! But at least—”

Now I let it out, I turn around, stuffing my face into my pillow and I scream. It uses up every bit of energy I have left, but it’s worth it. I can’t listen to Tommy and Allie fighting, they never fight. But more importantly I’m tired of this rock that’s on my chest, I’m tired of carrying around the weight of the world even though it hasn’t even been twenty four hours since it was strapped to me.

When I finally let my scream die down, I feel Tommy’s strong arm resting on my back, I feel Allie’s head as it comes down on top of mine. And I let it out, I cry but with sound, I heave out sobs, I choke on my tears, I don’t feel like a baby. I feel like a sixteen year old boy who’s lost his parents, who lives with his older brother and his girlfriend, who just got into a car crash, who killed another human being, who is alone in a world of people. Crying isn’t for babies, it’s for people who are so messed up, who are so broken inside they can’t be quiet anymore. It’s for people like me.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy mumbles, it’s not for me though. The gentleness of his voice, is something only Allie could get out of him.

“I’m sorry too,” Allie says, her head still pressing down on mine. Protecting me from having to lift my head and face the world. Protecting me from making another mistake, from ruining another life.