It’s hard. When you come from a place where you’re invisible if you don’t serve a purpose. You are a means to an end, an end that never benefits you. You’re the one with the badge. The strong one - also known as the scapegoat. The strong one translates to: the one that has no feelings. But are you really cold inside? Or are you simply terrified. To feel the very feelings that got you punished. Hungry. Tired, from being in a pub all night. Scared, that mum and dad will fight when you get home. Embarrassed, that you are going to school tomorrow with dirty clothes.

When you have spent your childhood in environments that stimulate your fight or flight, it creates a shape shifting version of yourself. You’ll change your camouflage based on the people you surround yourself with. Our goal becomes pleasing the people we are with, without thinking about the bigger picture or consequences. If you are working daily to please a person who does not have your best interests at heart, you will forever live a life surrounded by shame and guilt. Deep in your brain you know that you don’t enjoy it, yet your brain is trained to please. Therefore we make our decisions based on the other person.

Now let me tell you a little bit about people pleasing the right person. Yes I said it. They’re out there for you. Your person will appear when you least expect it. They’ll learn how to read you inside out. They’ll help you to break down the years of barriers that you’re brain has built up in order to protect you. They’ll teach you how to love yourself, how to be proud of where you are. You’ll be able to feel for yourself. It’s scary, it really is. It also hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. At the start of this journey I thought I would never get here. I broke over and over, yet every time I have got up and felt stronger than the time before. With that love, you’ll learn how pleasing the wrong people, has left you vulnerable and in a cycle of being manipulated and abused. With the love of the right person you can be brave enough to stand up for the child inside you, and love them like they deserved.

I have always been capable of doing this. But capable wasn’t enough. I needed support, love and safety. I needed to learn how to be loved and to love, and in your arms, I found my home.