The silence in the house is deafening as I sit staring at the wall. Something I find myself doing when they’re both asleep. What else am I supposed to do?
I am a mum. I spend every waking minute thinking of how I need to be better for them. Yet today, getting through the day was the only goal and I did it. Now my darling dependables are sound asleep. Even they don’t need me. I have twelve hours.
Twelve hours is a long time when you have no idea who you are. When you are programmed to please. A grown adult, a parent, a partner. With no ability to make decisions based on my own wants or needs. Ive never had an opinion. When I did it was wrong. Quite the disappointment it would seem.
I’m in a constant state of solitude. I spend my day watching the clock. Drowning in the automatic thoughts that hate me as much as she does. I have to wait for another day to pass, before I take off my mask. I know I can’t let it slip. If they saw who I really am, even people as amazing as they are could never love me.
I’m just the girl who wasn’t good enough for her own family. The one role of a mother? To love, nurture and protect her baby unconditionally. Its been thirteen months and mine is still giving me the silent treatment. She cast me out, like I didn’t spend the past twenty seven years of my life being her beloved scapegoat. I can hardly act surprised. A narcissists speciality is the silent treatment.
He went out again. I often wonder if he enjoys being so busy that I actually miss him some weeks. When I’m in his arms I am safe, protected from ever being hurt again. Just looking into his eyes gives me an instant relief from the weight of the shame. I have carried it for so long. I feel his love hard, like the heat when the airport doors open. It takes my breath away and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude.
When he’s not around the storm begins inside of me. The voices are loud and angry. My mother written all over them. They laugh at every part of the day where I wasn’t good enough. I woke up late again. I didn’t make his coffee. I only did two washing loads. I couldn’t stop the children fighting. I’m an awful mum. I haven’t even managed to leave the house. I have not reached the unrealistic expectations, again. No wonder he goes out.
You would think I’m used to it at this point. Let’s face it, I’m almost thirty. And until he walked into my life, I’d always been alone. Hiding in the shadows of my siblings. When we were young we used to work together, to keep up appearances. We wouldn’t want to ruin mummy’s perfect family picture she portrays to the world. We would have been punished. I was a lonely little girl surrounded by what appeared to be the perfect family. It’s true what they say. You really don’t know what is happening behind closed doors. If only someone had saved that little girl like he saved me.
No body saved her. There is no happily ever after when your mother is a narcissist. What happens when she wins? When my need for her overwhelms me and I shatter. Once I let the clear air around me be polluted with her judgement. It would be a matter of time before I am once again blinded. Her sharp tongue would grace me with my flaws and imperfections, I’d self sabotage the best thing that ever happened to me. I submit. She’s right. I don’t deserve him. I am a fraud.
He’s still not home and it’s been almost an hour. He knows I’m sat waiting for him. I’m almost dizzy from the speed of the thoughts whizzing around my head. They’re probably telling him to leave me. I find myself wondering how much he must pine for his life before me. _He doesn’t deserve me bringing him down. _ __ __ My whole body jumps and I feel danger shoot from my toes and consume my head. He’s here!
My cheeks are tingling and the heat radiates through my body. I try to control my breathing. In. Hold. Out. I swallow hard to shift the lump that’s lodged in my throat. Please don’t cry.
Before I could read his eyes I’m swept off my feet. Every hair on my body stands up as his warm mouth glides up my neck to my ear. When I’m in his arms he takes the weight of my world. My cheeks hurt from fighting my smile. _He went out and left you. _
It’s only a matter of time before I ruin the mood. My eyes are heavy and my mind is tired from running all day. He hasn’t asked if I am okay. I seeking silent approval before making a decision. Is it cold in here? Who knows what will happen if I put the heating on. He works hard to pay for that gas. What do I bring to the table?
I see the pain in his eyes, hes desperate to help me. The guilt rises burning my throat. I try to swallow it down, easier said than done when my brain feels like the burden, that ruined my mums life. The blood continues gushing round my head.
l imagine what reason he will give for leaving me. Let's face it, everyone else has, why wouldn't he? He wouldn't because he loves me.
I heard a noise. It’s dark outside, I hold my breath listening for it again. The room closes in around me.
It was a cat. How silly? Yet completely out of my control. My heart is still pounding. It's okay it was just a cat remember. But it could have been anything couldn't it. Everything sounds loud whilst you're trying to listen, to see if you can still hear it. Has it got closer? Is it shouting?
Now I look to my right, and the love of my life looks me in my eyes and asks if I'm okay. Am I ok? How do I answer a question that I don't know the answer to? I could say I don't know. Or shrug. Or smile and say it's nothing I'm okay. But this man loves me. He knows what my eyes mean, he reads them probably better than you're reading this now.
I can feel the heat building. The gut wrenching inferno that rips through my body like wild fire.
It’s happening again but how do I stop it?
My brain reacts to keep me safe. But what is the danger it’s protecting me from?
I was once a child.
My innocence was stolen by the very people responsible for protecting me.
I’ve perfected my act over the years. When I had no choice but to smile and accept fate.
It becomes easy to adopt the persona of strength, when the alternative is punishment for feeling.
My brain reacts to keep me safe. But what is the danger it’s protecting me from?
I heard a bang lastnight.
A neighbour closing the car door.
My heart skipped a beat. Then it ricocheted around my chest screaming for help.
My blood gets hot and I freeze.
It’s just the neighbour.
I’m safe now. I can breathe.
But the feelings don’t match the thoughts.
Earthquakes no longer feel so foreign to my body.
People like me struggle to open up. Whether you were always told you weren’t good enough, you were being dramatic and it really wasn’t that bad. Be it that everything would be better here if you just sat down, didn’t speak or cry. Accepted that although you are just a little human who wants to explore, you sometimes make a mess and always needs to rely on someone. You’re an inconvenience to the life your parent once had.
Then we fast forward, to being an adult. We’re in the big wide world where you have to trust the right people. You need the right friends. Ones to love and support you and to continue the work that your parents put in, moulding you to the person you are.
But what if you weren’t moulded by a parent’s unconditional love and understanding? You didn’t go to sleep every night knowing you were loved, in fact you prayed it would be better tomorrow. You weren’t kept safe enough to learn the dangers of the world, because you spent your childhood exhausting your nervous system trying to keep yourself safe. So then you choose the wrong friends. The ones who you can never trust with the thoughts inside your head. Instead you mask it. You change everything about yourself on the sole basis of making that person happy. You appear to be having a great time. No one notices the anxiety you are riddled with because you’ve spent your whole life hiding them, knowing if you showed them there’d be consequences.
All of this time in more toxic environments make the wounds they left open deeper and deeper. You then get into a relationship. Not a loving, stable environment, but a toxic, one with a narcissist. From the outside in everything looks fine. On the inside you are fading away, frightened and looking for support. Who better to talk to than your mum right? The person whose one main role is to give unconditional love? But what if that person is also a narcissist, that has done everything this man is doing to you, just in a different dynamic?
You break. Then you try to escape. But the guilt that has built up over the years of being convinced that everything is your fault makes you easily guilt tripped. The words twist around your limbs and sink your feet into the ground. But keep going, I promise you can get back up without them.
You have to work on yourself, fake it until you make it. But the reality of it is, you fake it, until it really breaks you. Then as a mum of two, that is devoted to correcting every negative parenting habit that was forced onto you, you have no choice but to pick every single piece back up, and figure out how to put it back together again.
Doesn’t sound pleasant, especially throwing in the two children that you are now a single parent to. Not one bit of coparenting in sight. Just continuous abuse and manipulation tactics from afar. You were alone.
Then life changed. You met your person. The one that does love you unconditionally. Who understands, accepts and nurtures everything about you. The one willing to support you through the unpacking of every bit of trauma. Watching you break to a point you have to accept defeat and ask for support, despite spending your whole life independent.
You are programmed to please people. And all of a sudden, you’re too poorly both mentally and physically to do it. Your children have only ever been supported by you, no stable grandparents, aunties, uncles or family friends. Just occasional visits and unhealthy atmospheres. But most of all silence.
They now have to accept that some days, mummy can’t walk to take them to school. Your new incredible support system, your person and his family can’t help enough. They love helping and nurturing. But your children, they are just children. Children that have had no choice but to know how to solely rely on you. They have never been taught to trust others, because there hasn’t been anyone to trust. Yes, there were family contacts and occasional meets, but never any regular contact.
They’re anxious. I feel their anxiety in the same way I used to feel my mums mood changes, piercing through my chest. It triggers me. It makes me feel as though I’m doing to them exactly what she did to me. I reassure them they are safe and supported through my own voices of doubt and distrust.
My brain is trying to keep me safe by reminding me what happened the last time I trusted someone to love me. But I know it’s different this time. I feel it in every part of my being. Life from the outside is pretty amazing, grounded me is happy, she’s content. My brain who has been blindly trying to guide me through these relationships using only feelings and thoughts is now struggling. It can’t understand how we’re supposed to be happy.
How can we be happy and loved when our thoughts don’t match our feelings. Hearing a noise at night has me holding my breath in silence, listening to the noise to see if I’m in danger. My chest burns and I freeze, frightened. It was a cat. How silly? Yet completely out of my control. My heart is still pounding and I can feel the blood rushing in my head. It’s okay it was just a cat remember. But it could have been anything couldn’t it. Everything sounds loud whilst you’re trying to listen, to see if you can still hear it. Has it got closer? Is it shouting? Now I look to my right, and the love of my life looks me in my eyes and asks if I’m okay.
Am I ok? How do I answer a question that I don’t know the answer to? I could say I don’t know. Or shrug. Or smile and say it’s nothing I’m okay. But this man loves me. He knows what my eyes mean, he reads them probably better than you’re reading this now. I’m unable to say any words that make sense to someone who could never imagine the directions my thoughts spiral in.
I see the pain in his eyes of wanting so desperately to help me, we have no clue where to start. The cycle of the guilt I feel inside starts again, my brain feels like the burden, that ruined my mums life. The blood continues gushing round my head and my heart . I tell myself he only cares and in my head I imagine what reason he will give for leaving me. Let’s face it, everyone else has, why wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t because he loves me.
People who were never traumatised can never imagine how we think, because our brains only work the way they do, because of the trauma.
A bus driver can’t drive a helicopter just because he drives a bus. Yes they have their own brain, own heart, own opinion and understanding, but that does not make them a professional in how yours works. Especially if they come from a safe background with very little trauma. It is not an easy concept to get anyone’s head around because honestly, how can someone appear completely happy and strong one day, and the next they don’t want to get out of bed? The next they can’t see one bit of value that they bring to life.
It’s hard. When you come from a place where you’re invisible if you don’t serve a purpose. You are a means to an end, an end that never benefits you. You’re the one with the badge. The strong one - also known as the scapegoat. The strong one translates to: the one that has no feelings. But are you really cold inside? Or are you simply terrified. To feel the very feelings that got you punished. Hungry. Tired, from being in a pub all night. Scared, that mum and dad will fight when you get home. Embarrassed, that you are going to school tomorrow with dirty clothes.
When you have spent your childhood in environments that stimulate your fight or flight, it creates a shape shifting version of yourself. You’ll change your camouflage based on the people you surround yourself with. Our goal becomes pleasing the people we are with, without thinking about the bigger picture or consequences. If you are working daily to please a person who does not have your best interests at heart, you will forever live a life surrounded by shame and guilt. Deep in your brain you know that you don’t enjoy it, yet your brain is trained to please. Therefore we make our decisions based on the other person.
Now let me tell you a little bit about people pleasing the right person. Yes I said it. They’re out there for you. Your person will appear when you least expect it. They’ll learn how to read you inside out. They’ll help you to break down the years of barriers that you’re brain has built up in order to protect you. They’ll teach you how to love yourself, how to be proud of where you are. You’ll be able to feel for yourself. It’s scary, it really is. It also hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. At the start of this journey I thought I would never get here. I broke over and over, yet every time I have got up and felt stronger than the time before. With that love, you’ll learn how pleasing the wrong people, has left you vulnerable and in a cycle of being manipulated and abused. With the love of the right person you can be brave enough to stand up for the child inside you, and love them like they deserved.
I have always been capable of doing this. But capable wasn’t enough. I needed support, love and safety. I needed to learn how to be loved and to love, and in your arms, I found my home.
