What Could Never Be

I was never able to tell you what I wanted to tell you. Our friendship meant the world to me, and I wouldn’t ruin that, even if it meant I lived in anguish. This is to the one that I loved, for you were the one that I could never be with but always wanted to.

It started when we were young, middle school in fact. I thought I liked other people, but the thought of loving someone like you never would have crossed my mind. It was forbidden. It was taboo. I pushed it away at first, as I knew the feeling must be an impulse, or something I could force away like the times when I had liked others before, but this? This was different. You were kind to me. Compassionate. You seemed to dislike everyone, but you showed me kindness. Sweetness. I couldn’t help but think of you every waking moment of the day. I told some friends. They were shocked because of the circumstances, but they loved me the same. Accepted me. This was only the beginning.

We were then in high school. At this point I thought I would move on to others, maybe even go back to those I had liked in the past, but nothing felt the same as how I felt for you. Butterflies don’t begin to explain the rushing feeling I felt at any time we were near each other. It was more like a horror movie or a roller coaster. That rush of adrenaline that made me excited to go to school every day, was given to me by you. You were my reason to be happy. You kept me going. You never knew. I remember one time, you hugged me in the band room whenever marching band practice was canceled. I froze. “I could just kiss someone,” you said, as red creeped from my cheeks to the rest of my face. Even the thought of you joking about kissing me was enough to send my mind into a spiral. Could you love me? No you couldn’t. So I suppressed. It became even harder to suppress when I constantly saw you going after people that did not like you back. You would pursue them in hopes of someone liking you back… but they never did. Even two of my best friends were those that you really liked. I wasn’t even considered. I would have loved you. We could’ve been great together. Hugging. Laughing. Watching movies on the weekends. But it could never be.

I can remember loving your beautiful eyes, and how when you smiled, there would be wrinkles next to them because you would always squint while smiling; you did smile pretty often! Speaking of smiles, you had one that was unforgettable; I would see the gates of heaven, a field of sunflowers, and a beach, quiet, calm, and beautiful. Your wavy hair made me envious. I couldn’t imagine how someone so kind, someone so gorgeous, and someone so amazing could have such beautiful hair. Everything about you made me so unbelievably happy to be alive, but I knew we could never be.

Now let’s talk about college, one of the last few times we talked, and the time that I finally accepted that we could never be. The last time we talked in person, I saw you outside of one of the places to eat on campus. I was so excited to talk to you. You still looked great. You still treated me special. It was all going well… and then they came. You were in a relationship. They were nothing like me. They seemed unemotional. They had blonde hair. They seemed to rush you. They seemed to not care. I would’ve cared. It could never be.

It may seem dumb to love someone that can’t love you back, but love isn’t something that I could control, and I loved you. I loved you. I loved you. I wish I could say it a million times to your face just like the million times that I thought it throughout the time that we knew each other, but I loved you. Maybe I’m just writing for myself. Maybe I’m hoping that somehow, someday you find this and know it was written about you. I just needed to throw it out there. I loved you. Thank you for being the first person I loved, even if you never felt the same.



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