(TW: Has mental hospitals and SH.)

“Okay. I’m just going to go over there and tell him how I feel.” I say.

I repeat this over and over again until the words start to mix in my head.

“Okay. Just I’m going to there over and tell him feel I…wait what?”

I stop pacing and look out of my hospital window to see Jax pass by. I’ve been stuck in this mental hospital for the last 2 weeks and the only good thing that comes out of group therapy sessions, is Jax. With his light brown hair and dark eyes. His brooding but laidback demeanor.

I get up and put on my hoodie, my fingers getting stuck from my shaking hands. I slide on the slippers the hospital gave me and slowly walked out of my room. Technically I’m not suppose to be out of my room for another 30 minutes, but I’ll just make something up if anyone ask me.

I see Jax turn a corner and quickly follow. Biting my finger nails and trying to tame my messy blonde hair. I pick up my pace. No going back now.

“Jax!” I shout.

A few people look at me from the corner of their eyes but say nothing. We’re use to weird things happening here.

“Jax.” I say again before he finally turns around.

“Hey what’s up Chloe.” He says while putting his hands into his sweatpants pockets.

I put my hand on my wrist and move them behind my back, using my nails to pierce my skin. It’s a bad habit I know. But it’s how I cope with anxiety.

I say quickly, “Nothing much I guess. Bored.”

Jax laughs and shrugs, “Yeah it’s kinda what goes on around here. Are you still making those paper stars? The puffy ones?”

I snort, “Yeah. It’s the only way I can stay sane here.”

Jax nods and we kind of go into an awkward silence. I feel my nails digging deeper and that’s when I know I have to say something.

“I have to tell you something-“ Jax and I say at the exact same time.

I laugh quietly and Jax runs his fingers through his hair, “You go first.” I say.

“Nah it’s fine. What where you about to say?”

I take a deep breath before it all comes out in a rush, “Jax… I really like you. Like more than a friend. I just…wanted to see if you maybe felt the same way…”

Jax eyes widen and he starts to shuffle uncomfortably, “Oh um-“

“I know we’ve been friends for only awhile since I’m always back and forth in here but I just thought I should say that.”

Jax runs his fingers in his hair again, but this time more nervously, “Chloe I’m really flattered but…” he stops talking and looks away.

My heart seems to stop beating and drop to the floor when I see his face. A mixture of pity and guilt.

He clears his throat and starts again, “I’m really flattered but I’m already in a relationship. With a girl from my highschool.”

“Oh.” I say.

Of course he’s already taken. Of course I could never stand a chance. Me, a nobody girl with mental problems. Me who’s to skinny and hair’s to stringy. Me who can never really escape from my past. I feel something wet drip down my hand and I could tell my nails have digged to deep.

“Oh.” I say again.

“Yeah.” Jax huffs, “We can still be friends after I get out though.”

I feel myself frown, “What do you mean?”

Jax shuffles his feet again, “That’s what I was going to tell you. I’ve been officially released starting two days from now.”

The floor somehow turns uneven and wobbly and my heartbeat is to slow. I stagger forward when Jax catches me.

“Hey you okay?” He asks, “Should I get someone?”

I shake my head fast, “No no. That’s fine. I just-“ I point behind me with my uninjured arm and start to shakily walk back.

“Wait Chloe!” I hear Jax say.

But I don’t turn to look at him. I can feel myself shutting down again. Losing all emotion and feeling in my body. I can’t tell you when I get back to my room, because I don’t remember. I can’t tell you when the doctors pierce a needle into my arm and bandage my wrist, because I don’t remember.

It’s just me.

With my thoughts.

Always alone.

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