**_(Warning: Mentions of suicide.)

HILDA _** My mom can go die in hell. My dad along with her. They’re so pushy that it hurts. I hear their concerns and their wishes ringing like a ticking bomb in my head every single second I live. There’s no way to stop it; no way to live in peace. I can never live to their expectations. I can never reach perfection in their eyes.

So why try? Why keep going on in this life? You have no friends, no love, and the only family you have just keeps trying to tear you down.

What’s the point of having your pathetic life if you have nothing going for you?

“Hey, Hilda.”

I swat away the Voice and focus back into reality. I have work to do. The work keeps me going. It’s the only thing that needs me. Or, maybe not need me, but it’s just something to do. “Yes?”

My coworker points his thumb towards the exit of the employee lounge that connects to the shopping building, right outside of the grocery section. “They need you at checkout 6.”

I nod, reaching over the back of my chair to get my vest and name tag.

My Name Is: HILDA ANN ARSONA It’s my pleasure to help you, today!

It’s never a pleasure to greet people who don’t even care who you are. It’s never a pleasure to put on a fake smile for show, to please people, to worship them so you aren’t shunned.

I’m so tired.

Then leave. All you have to do is leave.

A million ways to kill myself run through my mind, but I ignore all of them. I have a job to do. I have shoppers who need me.

They don’t need you. You’re something that’s given to them, handed over like a repetitive toy.

I don’t say anything to that.

---

“Thank you for shopping at Jal-Mart, ma’am! Have a great day.” I say to the second last shopper who leaves without a glance or a “thank you”.

The smile on my face feels stiff, my shoulders feel tense, and I feel fake fake fake fake. I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone.

They know.

They know.

They know my thoughts.

They know everything.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

A brown skinned lady who looks like she has Hispanic origins is my next customer. I hear her by not a “hello”, but by the click! click! click! of her shoes. She sweeps her long, brown ponytail behind her shoulder and gives me a smooth smile. There’s a tall, broad White man beside her, adjusting his glasses as his nostrils flare in my directions. His hair is a shock of red and his dark eyes are searching and hungry. They didn’t look like an couple, not at all, so I didn’t assume.

It was curious.

“Hello, thank you for shopping at Jal-Mart. I hope that your experience was satisfactory.” The words tumble out of me automatically as I take their groceries and place them into bags.

Bread. Mayo. Meat. Cheese. Cereal Bars. An ungodly amount of water bottles and pillows.

“Going camping?” I ask, curious for once.

The lady give me only a smile in answer, she says, “Do you like your job?”

The scanner beeps as I scan the last of their items.

Beep!

Beep!

The only people who ask me that are my parents.

Do you like your job Ann? You probably hate it don’t you? Why don’t you go back to school, get a degree? Marry a doctor, or a lawyer, or at least someone! I want grandchildren. How much longer are you going to be living your life like this. Why are you so lazy. Just get out of that apartment and do something with your life!

I swallow a large lump down my throat and wipe my hand across my face only to find that it’s a cold sweat I’m feeling. It takes me a moment to gather my words, and I realize that I’ve finished bagging up their items.

“Why wouldn’t I? Your total is 34. 78, ma’am.” The man tilts his head as though trying to figure me out. The woman just shakes her head sadly and brings out her card. I swipe it then hand it back. The two grab their bags and head out the store.

The lady turns back suddenly, brown eyes that remind me of caramel wide and bright. “Oh, and thank you Hilda. For the speedy service. Have a great day!”

Click! Click! Click! Is the only sound I hear in my mind. The Voice doesn’t come, and an idea comes into my head.

I need to do something with my life. Without my parents, somewhere where I can get a fresh start.

And then I smile.