They say when you think of someone randomly

It’s because that person is thinking of you

I cannot see how it is possible for my thoughts to be reciprocated when any evidence of your existence is something you withdrew

And still my psyche is caught in a whirlwind of memory and fantasy

I know half of what I recall is just potential I saw, not a reflection of you but of what I would have done if you were me

If I wore your shoes, if I could have treated me the way I wish you had

And I wish more than anything that you did, because what I want is the you that my mind creates to envision any feeling except the one rooted in an reality - a myriad.

A myriad of chances and opportunities and excuses I granted

Realizing now nothing was organic from the way I had planned it.

See the thing is, settling for you is just as selfish for you as it is for me, it serves nothing but to prove some self-fulfilling desire I can fix what is broken or may not have even ever been.

Love requires work and I gave it my all, the hardest part is still not knowing how you felt before, during and after our final call.

You left it to me in the end to make a decision, I know I don’t regret it but what we could still be is all I can envision.

I thought you would fight for “us” or whatever semblance of a relationship we fostered, but now I realize the lack of effort from the beginning tells me that the idea of “us” is something that would never have been able to prosper.

It was painful when I was told how fast you moved on, a day after our call and your dating profile is the first application you logon.

2 months is supposed to be innocuous, a blip in my timeline, and while your actions tell me that’s the case for you, I find myself unable to fully detach from the idea that you’re no longer someone to call mine.

This has been one big circle of thought, and right back from the beginning, there is a lesson from this that I have been taught.

I don’t know that we ever truly knew one another, it pains me to know this despite our third date when I met your sister, your father and your mother.

The you that I did get to know is different than the you I think you are, and the you that I think you are is nothing close to the you that I want to remember and miss from afar.

For now I’ll see if each day is different, if you’re running through my mind even though in real life you are missing.

Farewell beautiful boy, I thank you for what our time has taught me, settling is loneliness without the privacy. You’re gone for now and someone I can’t see, but when I think of you, can you hear me?