12/08/2022

what am i supposed to do? my best friend, someone who ive never seen as anything more, the one who ive loved platonically for the past eight months just confessed his feelings for me. i dont know if i feel the same way. dont get me wrong, hes great. but im terrified of ruining the connection we already have. im a great friend, but im not a good girlfriend. i have way too much past damage and its not his job to fix that. i just know it wont go well. anyways, its 12 in the morning right now and i just cant sleep. what he said keeps replaying in my head. i cant believe he has feelings for ME. all the other girls in his past are butt ugly, so what does that say about me? idk, theres so many things going on in my head right now, i think i just need to go to bed.

12/12/2022

i think i might have feelings for his friend, matt. hes 3 years older than me, but i just think hes cute and funny. maybe out of my league, i dont know. i dont want him to find out, because i know he will be upset. im not even sure how i feel anymore. love and boys are just so confusing and im too scared to be hurt again. he hasnt even shown any interest in me, so i dont know why im letting this affect me so much. maybe tre isnt so bad after all. i feel like he would treat me nicely. i just dont want to get into a relationship, ruin it, and then lose the friendship we had before. but maybe itll be okay. maybe it wont be like my last relationship. i cant go through another heartbreak, i just cant. but being with him makes me forget all of it. i feel the need to push these feelings down and pretend they dont exist, out of fear. maybe i will talk to him about it soon. just not yet. maybe not ever.

12/24/2022

matt and i hung out today, we made gingerbread houses today. i told tre, and he ignored me for the whole day. i knew he would be mad. i tried to talk to him about if after i got home, but he would barely say anything. what he did say, kinda broke my heart. i feel like a shitty person. he told me that once he catches feelings for someone, he just cant let go and he hates to see me with someone else. we texted about it for a while until he went to bed. i am still up, just thinking. hanging out with matt wasnt even that fun, we just didnt click. he seems funny as a friend, but not anything more. which is what i used to think about tre but i feel like that might be changing. matt is supposed to come over for christmas with my family tomorrow, my mom invited him. she said tre was welcome too, maybe ill just have tre come instead. ill sleep on it.

12/25/2022

i told matt he couldnt come over anymore without giving him a reason. tre and i hung out all day today, we had burger king for lunch and went sledding. he came over for christmas dinner with my family, and met my aunts and cousins. my mom took this picture of us on my back porch that i just cant stop staring at. his face is just so fun to look at. maybe i am starting to grow some feelings for him. i cant fall asleep tonight, its already 2am.

update: its 3am right now and my aunt just threw up in my bathoom from drinking too much. i am a raging emetophobic, i cant handle anything that has to do with vomit. so yeah, im not getting any sleep tonight. i have nobody to talk to about it so im just here freaking out by myself.

12/26/2022

i am still traumatized from the vomit incident last night. luckily, tre ended up waking up at like four in the morning for some reason and responded to one of my previous texts, so i was able to talk to him about it. it was actually so comforting. hes so understanding about my phobia and it just feels like he gets me. maybe friends to lovers isnt an awful idea. i know that if i told him how i felt, he would be thrilled, but i just cant bring myself to make that commitment and possibly mess things up. nothing eventful happened today, i just hung out with tre like normal, like every day. now im just chilling in my bed with my cat. goodnight…

01/07/2023

its been a while since i actually wrote something. i can confirm that i am in love with tre. i think im going to tell him tomorrow. so much about how i feel has changed. remember that photo i said my mom took of us on christmas? yeah, i made it my wallpaper on my phone and whenever i cant sleep, i just look at it and it makes me so happy. just something about his smile and the way his arm is around me. i think i know how i want to tell him. im going to wait until i drop him off from hanging out and just text him straight up saying i am in love with him. im scared. not because i think hes gonna reject me, but because im scared to

commit to this. once i say those words, its either we end up as lovers, or our friendship is over altogether. what if i change my mind? is there a reason i didnt want to be with him that im forgetting? i guess well see. i have no choice but to let him know how i feel.

01/09/2023

i told him. last night. it was like 12 in the morning, and he wouldnt respond to me. he was already asleep. so i just said it, laid awake thinking about it for what felt like forever, then eventually fell asleep. i woke up at like six in the morning for some reason, checked my phone, and realized he texted me back at like three. “i love you too”. this cant be happening. in my sleepy daze, i said lets get married, and then fell back asleep. after waking up and realizing it wasnt a dream, im not entirely sure what happens now. its been over two yeats since i began a relationship with somebody, i wasnt sure how to do this. and i knew he wasnt either, because hes never had a girlfriend. do you think hell even know how to treat me? i guess well find out soon. we hung out today, but it was nothing different. just our normal driving around, going to target, driving around more, getting food, smoking some weed and then going home. im in bed now, ready to fall alseep and have nightmares about him breaking my heart.

01/11/2023

he kissed me. he fucking kissed me. i could tell that he was hesitant, he like leaned in, pulled away, and then leaned again. we made out a little, and then HE SAID HE LOVED ME. this cant be real. it feels like a dream. i am officially fully in love with this man. i feel like he will treat me good. i dont really have that much else to say. goodnight🥰

01/15/2023

ok guys i officially have a boyfriend! he asked me to be his girlfriend, but in the most “tre” way ever. we were driving around together, and he looks at me and goes “lets date”. i simply said okay! and that was that. he kissed me again when i dropped him off. it feels like my life is complete. i have everything i could ever want. i dont even think i need this journal anymore. matter of fact i think im going to throw it away.