The silence in the house is deafening as I sit staring at the wall. Something I find myself doing when they’re both asleep. What else am I supposed to do?

I am a mum. I spend every waking minute thinking of how I need to be better for them. Yet today, getting through the day was the only goal and I did it. Now my darling dependables are sound asleep. Even they don’t need me. I have twelve hours.

Twelve hours is a long time when you have no idea who you are. When you are programmed to please. A grown adult, a parent, a partner. With no ability to make decisions based on my own wants or needs. Ive never had an opinion. When I did it was wrong. Quite the disappointment it would seem.

I’m in a constant state of solitude. I spend my day watching the clock. Drowning in the automatic thoughts that hate me as much as she does. I have to wait for another day to pass, before I take off my mask. I know I can’t let it slip. If they saw who I really am, even people as amazing as they are could never love me.

I’m just the girl who wasn’t good enough for her own family. The one role of a mother? To love, nurture and protect her baby _unconditionally_. Its been thirteen months and mine is still giving me the silent treatment. She cast me out, like I didn’t spend the past twenty seven years of my life being her beloved scapegoat. I can hardly act surprised. A narcissists speciality is the silent treatment.

He went out again. I often wonder if he enjoys being so busy that I actually miss him some weeks. When I’m in his arms I am safe, protected from ever being hurt again. Just looking into his eyes gives me an instant relief from the weight of the shame. I have carried it for so long. I feel his love hard, like the heat when the airport doors open. It takes my breath away and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude.

When he’s not around the storm begins inside of me. The voices are loud and angry. My mother written all over them. They laugh at every part of the day where I wasn’t good enough. _I woke up late again. I didn’t make his coffee. I only did two washing loads. I couldn’t stop the children fighting. I’m an awful mum. I haven’t even managed to leave the house_. I have not reached the unrealistic expectations, again. No wonder he goes out.

You would think I’m used to it at this point. Let’s face it, I’m almost thirty. And until he walked into my life, I’d always been alone. Hiding in the shadows of my siblings. When we were young we used to work together, to keep up appearances. We wouldn’t want to ruin mummy’s perfect family picture she portrays to the world. We would have been punished. I was a lonely little girl surrounded by what appeared to be the perfect family. It’s true what they say. You really don’t know what is happening behind closed doors. If only someone had saved that little girl like he saved me.

No body saved her. There is no happily ever after when your mother is a narcissist. What happens when she wins? When my need for her overwhelms me and I shatter. Once I let the clear air around me be polluted with her judgement. It would be a matter of time before I am once again blinded. Her sharp tongue would grace me with my flaws and imperfections, I’d self sabotage the best thing that ever happened to me. I submit. She’s right. I don’t deserve him. I am a fraud.

He’s still not home and it’s been almost an hour. He knows I’m sat waiting for him. I’m almost dizzy from the speed of the thoughts whizzing around my head. _They’re probably telling him to leave me._ I find myself wondering how much he must pine for his life before me. _He doesn’t deserve me bringing him down. _

__

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My whole body jumps and I feel danger shoot from my toes and consume my head. He’s here!

My cheeks are tingling and the heat radiates through my body. I try to control my breathing. _In. Hold. Out._ I swallow hard to shift the lump that’s lodged in my throat. _Please don’t cry_.

Before I could read his eyes I’m swept off my feet. Every hair on my body stands up as his warm mouth glides up my neck to my ear. When I’m in his arms he takes the weight of my world. My cheeks hurt from fighting my smile. _He went out and left you. _

It’s only a matter of time before I ruin the mood. My eyes are heavy and my mind is tired from running all day. _He hasn’t asked if I am okay_. I seeking silent approval before making a decision. _Is it cold in here?_ Who knows what will happen if I put the heating on. He works hard to pay for that gas. What do I bring to the table?

I see the pain in his eyes, hes desperate to help me. The guilt rises burning my throat. I try to swallow it down, easier said than done when my brain feels like the burden, that ruined my mums life. The blood continues gushing round my head.

l imagine what reason he will give for leaving me. Let's face it, everyone else has, why wouldn't he?

He wouldn't because he loves me.

I heard a noise. It’s dark outside, I hold my breath listening for it again. The room closes in around me.

It was a cat. How silly? Yet completely out of my control. My heart is still pounding. It's okay it was just a cat remember. But it could have been anything couldn't it. Everything sounds loud whilst you're trying to listen, to see if you can still hear it. Has it got closer? Is it shouting?

Now I look to my right, and the love of my life looks me in my eyes and asks if I'm okay.

Am I ok? How do I answer a question that I don't know the answer to? I could say I don't know. Or shrug. Or smile and say it's nothing I'm okay. But this man loves me. He knows what my eyes mean, he reads them probably better than you're reading this now.