Chapter 10

Davian

I keep finding myself on benches in the middle of the night. Some nights on the bus bench and other nights in the hospital garden. Tonight it’s the bus bench.

I have Dad’s jacket and I have our place. Sometimes I feel him sitting next to me, talking to me about work. Or asking me about school. I miss that, I miss him.

It’s hot outside, even in the pitch black night. I guess I can thank summer for that, the unbearable heat that I can never escape. It’s almost like Maisie and I. She’s this girl that I see whenever I close my eyes and I hate it, because it shouldn’t be that way. I can’t be friends with her. But at the same time I love it and it’s like when I’m with her I’m surround by heat. The kind of summer heat that not even the black night can solve.

A warm wind blows at my cheek as dead leaves stumble across the ground. There’s something about the heat that reminds me of Jace. Not like Maisie though. Maybe he felt stuck in inescapable heat, except not in a friend-who-killed-the-other-friends-mother kind of way. Maybe he felt he couldn’t control his own life. So he wanted to control mine. To feel in control of at least one thing. 

Is it strange that even now I miss when he’d beat me up? I wasn’t stuck in the heat I was stuck in the cold, and Jace gave me some of his heat. We balanced out, he’d beat me to find control, and I’d let him because deep down I believed I deserved it.

After Tommy told me about him and Allie I couldn’t stop thinking about life. I mean we find love, we lose it, we live, we die. It’s almost a cycle, Tommy’s found his, but me and Jace. We’re both in the same place. And I think we both know it.

Maybe the only reason I’m thinking about Jace now, is because I want to stop thinking about Maisie. It’s wrong to think about her, it feels even more wrong than Jace beating me up. Like something so wrong that it swings back around to be okay, so I keep doing it.

Still I wonder what Jace is doing now. I wonder who he’s found to control now that I’m gone. I wonder, at this exact moment, is he asleep on a dry pillow or still awake, wishing he could sleep one night without a damp spot under his cheek.

. . .

I’m not exactly sure when I left the bus bench, or why I ended up here. In the giant field covered in tiny grey stones. It’s completely empty, except for one person. And I know it’s her.

I walk over slowly, is this the right thing to do? I came here because . . . Honestly I have no idea. My parents aren’t here, no one in my family is. Yet, I felt drawn to something. Is that something the girl I’m closing the distance between, or is it something else?

“Maisie?” I ask as I come a few feet behind her. She turns around, a tiny smile growing on her tear streaked face.

“Hey Davian.” She whispers as I come up to her side.

_Davian_. I hear her voice in my head. She makes my name sound so different than I hear it. Comforting, I’ve never liked my name as much as I do right now. It makes me wonder if she hears her name the same way when I say it.

Maisie turns back to what she was looking at before. I follow her gaze, and now it all makes sense why she’s sad. She’s staring into a deep, dark hole. A hole away from her, a hole that will hold the one person she needs most in life.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as she lifts a hand to wipe at her wet eyes.

“It’s fine,” she says turning to meet my eyes.

“You’re crying,” I point out, knowing what she’ll say. Because it’s not fine, Maisie’s not fine and she’s too afraid that if she admitted that everything would tumble down.

Maisie takes a quick breath. “Because it’s the only thing I’m able to feel.”

I’ve been there before. Maybe I’m still there now. “It won’t always be like this.”

“Won’t it though?” Maisie lets her eyes fall back to the hole. “My mom’s gone, I have nothing left anymore.”

I shut my eyes. _What have you done Davian? What the heck have you done? _

“Me,” I blurt out as I force myself to look into her teary eyes. “You have me.”

She nods once, her gaze so broken. So lost. “Yeah, maybe . . . But how long will you stay? How long until you leave me? Like everyone else.”

I can’t keep lying to her anymore. I need to tell her the truth. _No! You can’t, you can’t make her leave. She can’t lose you. Or is it you that can’t lose her?_

“I don’t plan on it,” I tell her as my eyes flicker down to the dark hole. I’ve almost been down there, maybe she can sense that. I’ve wanted to leave this hard, scary world. But here I am, I’m either pathetic because I couldn’t finish the job, or strong because I stopped myself.

“No one does,” Maisie breaks the silence I didn’t even realize had fallen around us. “They just do . . . You know, people are wrong. It’s not each other we can’t trust, it’s the world. The universe, the thing that makes everything happen. That’s what we can’t trust.”

She’s right. “So . . .” I start searching for the right words. But words won’t get Maisie to trust me, nothing will. “What can I do?”

She turns to face me, millions of tears slithering down her cheeks. “Don’t tell me I can trust you. Don’t try and make everything be okay. Because it’s not, Davian. Life’s not okay.”

That’s when I realize words and actions are nothing anymore. Not to us, not when you’re this broken. I reach out, wrapping my arms around Maisie as she stumbles closer to me, her arms stay at her sides as I hug her as tight as I can.

Her cheek rests on my shoulder, her heart racing in her chest as she chokes out sobs.

“I don’t know what to do,” Maisie cries as she trembles in my arms. “I can’t watch my mom get buried tomorrow. I can’t let her go.”

I nod as I let my head fall on hers. “I know, Maisie. I know.”

There’s so much more I want to say. That I understand, that I’ll be here for her, that I’ll never leave. But she’s right. I don’t know the future, I don’t know what I’ll do, where I’ll end up. I can’t promise her anything, and that’s what’s hard.

Slowly, her hands rise up from her sides and wrap softly around me. I let my eyes fall closed, I let my breath match hers. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, all I know is, if I could stay here forever, I would.

Maisie pulls back, her arms still around me as her tear stained eyes meet mine. “Maybe . . .” Her trembles, “Maybe there is something you can do.”

I nod, “Anything.”

She sighs letting her head fall back down to my shoulder. “Don’t let go.”

I lick my lips as a tear escapes my eye. “Never.” I mumble. “I’ll never let go.”

I feel Maisie’s cheek move on my shoulder, and I see her smile. Such a beautiful smile.

I let my eyes close again, I let the world around me fade. The crickets singing softly, the gentle rustle of the trees as their leaves dance with the wind. The kiss of the wind as it swirls around us, blowing Maisie’s hair gently. I feel Maisie, her arms around me, holding me, I feel her cheek pressing into my shoulder, I feel her heart beat matching with mine.

And I feel the guilt, the dread. I can’t do this anymore. Not to this girl, but I can’t stop, I can’t fight anymore. I’m done fighting, I need Maisie even if it crushes my heart to do this to her. I need her, and for once I’m putting my stupid self first. All because of one girl.

(Hey everyone!! I justed wanted to say a quick thanks to you all! For reading these long writings that I know aren’t the best. It means a lot to me that you’re here. And trust me Over Again wouldn’t be a thing if I didn’t have to guys! So thank you so, so, so, so much!!!! I love you guys!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️🫂)