Selena moves back and forth slowly while seated on the short plastic seat of a swing. The park was so much smaller than she remembered. What used to be a whole world of adventure when she was younger was now just an oxidized couple of swings, a wonky wooden seesaw with a missing seat, a plastic jungle gym that she could smell from where she was right now. There was dried up grass all around her, discarded children’s toys loitering it. The swing croaked anciently as she moved in it.

This place had been magical to her once. She had spent more than half of her childhood visiting it, so many of her firsts happened there. Her first steps, her first scraped knee, her first friend, her first kiss, her first fight, and the first time her heart was broken. She hadn’t been back here since that last first. It had been almost twenty years now and, being back here again, it was like the wound was fresh.

She looks around her solemnly. What had she been expecting? That coming back here would magically heal her? That she wouldn’t feel anything anymore? That every spot in this park wouldn’t remind her of him?

Selena looks towards the faded red slide where they’d shared their first kiss. He was still a scrawny, pimpled kid with braces. She had developed into her womanly beauty quite early, so she looked older than him even though they were the same age. He had brought her flowers he had picked himself on his way to the park, she had brought him ginger ale. They sat on the slide and talked. She can’t for the life of her remember what they talked about but what did thirteen year old kids have to talk about anyways?

What she does remember is the feeling of his warm, clammy hand on her shoulder, his light grey eyes boring into hers asking a question he couldn’t bring himself to ask out loud. Her leaning towards him, their lips touching. The familiarity of the sensation even though she’d never been kissed before.

“Selena?”

She’s snapped out of her memory when a deep voice calls out her name. She looks up and her breath catches. His dark hair was short now, tousled up in a careless way. His face was smooth and unblemished, a few shades lighter than he’d been before. He was tall, much taller than she ever thought he’d be. His usual knee-length khakis and graphic t-shirt had been replaced by a pair of straight dark blue jeans and a button up shirt. He was all grown up now.

He lets out a laugh, his grey eyes shimmering against the pale moonlight.

“Jesus christ, is that really you?”

Selena slowly stands up, trying to will her facial muscles to shift into a smile. “Nathan.”

He smiles easily, straight pearly whites gleaming back at her as he steps closer to her. “This is crazy I was literally just thinking about you.” He says. She smiles a bit, her shock still weighing heavily on her lips.

“Me too.” She murmurs. He looks her over. “Can I hug you?” He asks, that familiar intrigue making itself known through his eyes once again. She laughs a little and nods, her heart speeding up like it did that day on the slide.

He closes the gap between them and wraps his strong arms around her. She feels so tiny compared to him now. He smelled of cigarettes and mint and wood. It was almost intoxicating. She lets her arms wrap around him, her fingers grazing the muscles beneath his shirt. He lets out a husky laugh. “Who’s taller now?” He murmurs, his breath fanning against her ear.

She lets out a laugh and pulls away, looking up at him. “It’s been a while, hm?” He chuckles, the corners of his eyes creasing as he smiles. “I miss you, you know. Every day.” He says. Her heart stumbles and she looks away briefly. “Oh please.” She murmurs.

He keeps his gaze on her, she can feel it. “I do. Seriously. I don’t know how or why but I still think about you almost every day.” She looks back at him and his face has shifted into a more somber expression. “I really am sorry. About that day.” He says. “It’s my biggest regret. To this day.”

Selena feels like she’s about to pass out. Everything was happening too quickly, too perfectly, like her subconscious had gotten a hold of the fabric of the universe and was letting things play out exactly as she’d wanted them to.

“We were too young, obviously we were kids.” He continues. “You know I was—a curious guy. You gave me everything I wanted, you really did. I couldn’t find anything wrong with you. I tried, trust me. But you were…perfect.” She wanted to crawl into a hole. She wanted to jump into his arms. “But I was a child. I think I was too young to understand what it is we had.” He nods a little.

“You don’t have to do this, that was a lifetime ago.” She says lightly even though she wants him to keep going.

“Yeah. It was. Doesn’t make what I did any less worse.” He says. He brushes a hand through his thick hair. Selena catches the gleam of a gold ring on his marriage finger. She looks away.

“You look the same.” He laughs. She looks at him again and smiles a bit, “You don’t.” He lets out a laugh and nods, looking down at himself. “Yeah thank god for that.” He looks back up at her. Her heart constricts. “What are you doing here anyways? I heard you moved to Mexico.”

“Colombia.” She corrects him. “I’m…just visiting.” She gives a small nod. “What about you? Do you still live here?” He gives a small nod, crossing his arms across his chest. “Oh yeah. I bought mom and dad’s old house.” He says. “Still in the same bedroom and everything.” He lets out a laugh. Selena gives a small nod, looking him over once more.

“Did you end up going to cooking school?” She asks, tilting her head. He shakes his head, “Nah. Took over the store.” He says, a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes adorns his face. She nods a little. “You? Still writing the next great american novel?”

She smiles a bit, “It’ll be published in two months actually.” His eyebrows raise and she can see an unguarded shock take over his face. “Goddamn.” He whispers, looking all over her face. “I knew you’d do it.” He says lightly, his deep voice going several octaves deeper. Selena smiles a little and shrugs, “I don’t know if it’ll be the next great american novel but—it’s…special.” She murmurs.

He stays silent for a few seconds, his eyes roaming all over her face. “Of course it is.” He whispers.

She looks at the time, it was close to midnight. “What are you even doing out here at this time?” She asks. He looks away from her, his sharp profile being caught beautifully by a streetlamp behind him. “Ah. Just clearing my head.” He returns his gaze to hers, not smiling this time.

She gives a small nod, “Hm.” She murmurs. They stare into each other’s eyes in silence. Words that couldn’t be spoken are communicated then. She feels his pain, his regret. She feels how the years have probably been much harder on him than they have on her. She feels his desire for her.

She feels nothing for him. That pain that she was feeling earlier, before he got here, before she saw him and saw who he would’ve become for her. Before she saw that yes, he was the best thing that ever happened to her while she was a pubescent kid, but that was it. That it ended when it should’ve. That maybe she’d still be coming on late night walks to this park had she sticked by him. That her life would’ve turned out completely different.

That he did her a favor.

She sucks in a light breath. “Well…I have an early flight to catch.” She murmurs finally. He stares at her longingly, unspoken words caught between his parted lips. “It was nice seeing you.” She smiles.

“Selena…”

She reaches up to pinch his cheek lightly. “Bye.”

She turns away from him and walks away; from him, from that place. She can feel him staring at her as she walks, and a part of her wants to turn around to confirm that he is. A part of her wants to turn around because it might be the last time she ever sees him again. But she doesn’t. She keeps her gaze forward as she walks.

Let the past remain in the past.