“if i knew you didn’t love me, i wouldn’t have done what i did”

god, it took my words and breath

i could hear you say, you didn’t want it to hurt

but it was too late, i had taken critical blows

we were supposed to be simple and now it’s so much more

i cried in the arms of my best friend that night

begging past me to just leave you alone

i didn’t know you would grow to love me so fast

i thought we had a little time

but then there i was covered in you

the word’s slipped out without pause

and i froze in place

icy water waking me up

i don’t love you and i didn’t know when i would

now i don’t even know if i can

because i apologized and you changed

there is only so much sorry i can take

it’s not your fault, and it’s not mine either

i think it’s beautiful you felt so safe to say

that you fell in love with me in 3 days

it’s not your feelings that scared me

it’s mine, in that moment i felt too attached

too responsible for a baby i didn’t want to have yet

my family makes the marriage jokes

and i fill with panic at the thought of forever with you

i’m sorry baby, i think i just wanted something so casual and brief

i don’t know, maybe i just wanted sex with a friend

maybe i wanted to hold and be held

but i like you so much, it makes thinking about this twice as hard

i love making you laugh, and hearing you speak

i like spending time with you no matter what we’re doing

i like that my friends like you and yours like me

you are almost everything i wanted except one thing

baby, you just aren’t ready for me

my affection won’t make you love yourself more

if i could heal you of your pain, i would

i took my time and i healed best i could

so when i finally came to you i could be confident and good

you are so good but you are mean

you hate yourself with a violence

and i can’t stop you no matter what i say

you will continue despite how much care others or i give

still i’m afraid i’ll hurt you more this way

still i know the choice i make will be for us both

still i know whatever it is will suck

i should have just left you alone

you deserve piles and piles of love

you deserve to feel wanted

and know that you are

you won’t be too much for the one who will fall for you

that just won’t be me

i’m sorry baby

for stealing your kisses and heart and heat

if i could give it back, it’d be yours already

i don’t regret our time

i regret your pain

i’m sorry i couldn’t love you like you want